10 Christian book covers you’ll wish you could erase from your brain

December 19, 2013 | By Abraham | 7 comments

I’m not well enough informed to compile a list of this year’s ugliest and weirdest Christian books myself or to confirm the exhaustiveness of someone else’s list, either. However, I’ve got to believe that the covers compiled by Englewood Review of Books for their worst-of-2013 are at least close to as bad as they come. I’m not sure how they could get much worse.

Here are some from their list followed by excerpts from Amazon’s descriptions…

(NOTE: You will doubt that some of these are real. Feel free to click on the covers to confirm their existence. Maybe you’ll even want to buy one or two — because, hey, just because an Amish romance has an ugly cover doesn’t mean it isn’t actually a really awesome Amish romance.)

Mail Order Margaret

Worst Christian Book Covers - 10

…Are things the same in post World War I Minnesota as they were in 1880? Maggie lost her fiancé in the war, and nothing in her hometown feels right anymore. When she runs across an advertisement for a mail order bride, she can’t help but be intrigued.

 

I Went to Heaven and This Is My Story

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“I Went To Heaven & This Is My Story,” is a true story from author, Jane Moe. During surgery, Jane saw visions of Heaven. Jane’s journey brought her more questions and she found the answers in the only true Church of Jesus Christ. This is her story.

 

Maggie’s Mondays

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Maggie Walker is single parenting four teenagers, while she shares a bedroom with her invalid mom. She cleans houses for a living, but tries to devote a few minutes to her sketchbook every day. Jim Madden is struggling to get out of debt, while he single parents three children. A romance is hardly feasible, but God never lets circumstances interfere with His plans.

 

The Sinner’s Guide to Natural Family Planning

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Do you and your spouse hold hands at sunset, and do pink flowers grow around your marital bed?

If so, this book is not for you.

But if you’ve tried Natural Family Planning and have discovered that your life is now awful…you’ll find comfort, encouragement, honesty, wit, and, most importantly, practical advice in The Sinner’s Guide to NFP.

 

Romance in Amish Country

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…Will she find inspiration through conflict and discover the very special path God has in store for her?

Take a trip to Amish Country with part three of the Romance in Amish Country series and savor Ruth’s Story.

 

Under the Mantle

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Fr. Donald Calloway, MIC, deftly shares his personal insights…all while telling us what it means to be “under Mary’s Mantle.”

 

Lancaster Hearts

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…Now at seventeen and on her Rumspringa, she’s doing her best to balance life as an Amish woman with the pursuit of Englischer education. But things come to a head when an Amish guest preacher comes to Judith’s district’s church meeting, bringing along his handsome son, Isaac.

 

A New Family Is Formed Along the Oregon Trail

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…While bathing at the river one day the woman hears, then sees, a baby crying and she retrieves a young Native American infant found propped up against a tree. The wagon full of brothers helps take care of the baby but they are all cautioned to keep the child a secret from the rest of the wagon train. It is very hard and all of them seek God’s help in both resolving the crisis, and keeping the child safe.

 

Amish Vampires in Space

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Jebediah has a secret that will change his world forever and send his people into space.

The Amish world of Alabaster calls upon an ancient promise to escape destruction. Then end up on a cargo ship bound for the stars.

But they are not the only cargo on board. Some of it is alive…or used to be.

 

Murder Intelligently Designed

Worst Christian Book Covers - 05

Ben Stein, producer of the movie “Expelled,” says “Murder Intelligently Designed is an astonishingly thoughtful, well written book that provides not only a compelling plot line, but insight into an immense social and academic issue.”

When atheistic biology professor, Brenda Blechard, is found flattened under a bust of Nietzsche, Grit Griffin, Grace Willis, and fellow “Deep Water” members must solve the crime and exonerate a friend.

Take a humorous journey through “Murder Intelligently Designed,” laugh at academic foolishness, and resolve to live by grace.

(Visit ERB for more, via Matt Perman)

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7 Comments

  1. Kate says:

    I seldom literally laugh out loud when perusing the internet, but…Amish Vampires in Space definitely did the trick.

  2. John W. Otte says:

    It was a travesty when the original blog shared “Amish Vampires in Space.” Thank you for continuing the travesty. First of all, the cover for the book is awesome. It does not belong in a list of badly photoshopped DIY covers. Second, it seems clear that people are including it because they think the story is somehow silly. It’s not. If you actually read the book (rather than judge it by its cover—which is a bad thing, if I recall correctly), you’ll find a serious book that tackles some very difficult topics. And yes, there are Amish, some of them become vampires, and they are in space. It’s a phenomenal book.

    1. LMCH says:

      Honestly, when I read the description I thought “actually, there is a way for that to be a really interesting book.” Because the idea of the Amish, or some other isolationist type of religious movement, leaving Earth to colonize a planet free from the worldly English really doesn’t seem all that far-fetched, and it’s not like I haven’t read other sci-fi novels involving alien life doing frightening things. The intersection of the two could be exactly as you say. So I’m right there with you there.

      But the cover – and particularly the title – really does seem to convey a kind of goofy schlock-pulp sensibility. If that’s not the author’s intention, it is well hidden and likely keeping away a lot of the kinds of folks who would read this book if it were presented differently.

    1. Abraham says:

      It’s not weird because of comic sans or bad photoshopping, no. I think it earns its place here for having a priest sitting between a conjugating couple. Also, since there’s a confessional involved, they appear to be doing it in church. :)

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