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12-year-old speaks out about plain donuts… Says what we’re all thinking

March 16, 2012 | By Abraham | 101 comments

A youngster’s culinary tirade that was shared on Facebook recently…

101 Comments

    1. Afaz says:

      @jmd Please say you are joking. The structure, development, and grammar leave a lot to be desired. However, the creativity is pretty aces.

      1. Carr says:

        Really!? From a 12-year-old kid? You’d be hard pressed to find a high school graduate that could compose complex compound sentence, let alone filling one simple paragraph with this much voice.

        This looks like a writing prompt, so it’s really not about structure. Not sure what you have against the grammar. There’s a “fragment” of sorts in the answered question, but that’s a common writing technique and is usually acceptable. The development is one of the most attractive things about it. That’s what makes it so funny. This has been written like a comedian’s joke — introduce the topic, this time with a clever new name; aptly describe just how “fake” it is; then, finish it all off with a bold punchline. Brilliant.

          1. McCartney Green says:

            I also agree… if it truly was written by a 12-year-old. She has voice and I know college graduates who couldn’t have put together these thoughts. Unfortunately, this looks more to me like an adult who tried to write like a 12-year-old. I could be wrong… Lord knows, lol, but that is my suspicion. Still, it’s cute. To me, if I’m gonna eat a doughnut, it’s gonna be covered with chocolate and pumped with creme. :)

        1. Patty Lee says:

          I’m an English professor, and I approve this message. I wish my students wrote this effectively. And FYI, s/he is using fragments for rhetorical effect.

        2. Joules says:

          “You’d be hard pressed to find a high school graduate that could compose complex compound sentence,” Yep. That’s our world.

      2. turtlegirl784 says:

        Really? I proof-read papers and essays by classmates in college that were TERRIBLE, especially compared to this. They used the wrong words, had horrible run-on sentences, and seemed not to know that punctuation (other than a period) existed.

        1. DrM says:

          I teach university and have done for more than 10 years. This is an extremely good essay from a 12 year old. I don’t think many people realise just how rare good, creative writing skills are. To say nothing of technical essay writing skills. I have marked FAR worse in my time.

          1. Sandra says:

            You are right. I did not know just how hard writing was till I tried to learn how. I found my skills were seriously lacking and that I wrote like a confused child. I did learn a little. However learning the rules does not equal being a good writer.I do not think I shall ever be one, but I have much respect for those who can. So it remains on my list of tried and failed things that I want to learn.

      3. Kristin says:

        I think this superbly well written! For anyone, really, but especially for a 12 year old! Half the people I know can’t even word a simple FB post this well. Nor would they actually know how to spell doughnut correctly. And this kid did it all with an immense amount of character behind his words. I totally agree w Carr – that it is written like a comedian’s joke. I think this kid’s got a good career ahead of him/her. And, Afaz, lighten up! Jeez.

      4. FenianBastard says:

        Yes, the structure, development, grammar improvements that you suggest would have made the piece boring.
        Instead the writer’s true voice is being displayed, and that is what will make him, or her an exceptional. I hope you
        do not teach writing to children.

          1. good job kid says:

            perhaps fenianbastard was being a creative writer themselves by using ‘exceptional’ as a classifying word.

      5. villefort says:

        you’re mistaking simplicity for lack of sophistication. in other words you have no idea what you’re talking about.

      6. mercan says:

        Obviously English is not your native language. This has excellent structure, development and grammar for a 12 year old.

      7. Mike says:

        It’s natural to be jealous that a 12 year old can write better than you, but no one likes a sore loser. Try to behave.

        It’s simply astonishing that this writer is producing entertaining, fun, readable content on what is most likely the first draft in a venue where the writer must finish and then count and tally the number of words written. Beyond impressive.

        The structure was perfect for the piece and the grammar was just fine. I would have moved a couple things around grammatically if I was editing it, but following the rules of proper grammar would have been a huge mistake and ruined the tone of the composition.

        You’re a fool.

      8. ender says:

        The structure, development and grammar (not to mention the spelling and handwriting) are so good as to be suspect. In today’s sadly deteriorated educational environment most college graduates could not write so well. I suspect the 12-year-old had assistance from at least two aides: an editor and a calligrapher. If I am mistaken then I only hope the youngster will choose a career in journalism or literature rather then selling out and going into advertising.

      1. Carr says:

        Mmmm… boiled fries.

        Wait. Can they be called fries? Mmmm… French boils.

        Wait. Now we have an STD.

        Sorry friend, I cannot go with the boiling is deep frying in water.

  1. Sam Ebeyer says:

    That 12 year old child just insulted my favorite donut by calling it a bagel. Plain cake donuts are the fundamental, quintessential donut. They are the black on the donut palette, the foundation for donuttical adjustment. This child is a reflection of the larger negative force at work in our modern world. According to this child, even a donut has to have bells and whistles to be considered a donut. Books are not sufficient when iPads are present. He is the destroyer if imagination…the crusher of “music makers” and of those “dreamers of dreams”.

    I love plain donuts. I love them like a fat kid love, well…donuts. I have lived over two of this child’s life times and have tried more donuts than this child knows exist. In my informed opinion, though creative, this child does not have the expertise to offer an informed conclusion. Silence thyself child. Silence thyself with donuts. Jam them in your dome until you mumble in muffled donut speak. The plain donut is the first in the donut world, the rest of those donuts are just posers standing on the shoulders fit to carry the weight of their sprinkles; donut posers over-emphasized like J.K. Rowling in a world where Hemingway and Steinbeck are still in print. Bagel indeed. You are a bagel, kid; you are a smelly onion lunch bagel with too many poppy seeds.

    1. AStev says:

      Whoa whoa whoa. WHOA. Tame thy tongue, heretic!

      Bagels are glorious. A perfect specimen of hooped bread, as magnificent as the rings of Saturn. Donuts enter the world knowing that at best, they are slip-shod cakes, a momentary diversion for those easily satisfied. But bagels? The sustenance of kings and emperors! The breakfast of conquerors and the sandwich-lining of poets!

      And the more onions, sesame seeds, poppy seeds, and so forth, the better, an ornamental raiment for the arch-prince of breadstuffs!

      Except sunflower seeds, those filthy interlopers.

      1. Stephanie says:

        hahaha I love this thread, although I must add that having been a baker for 5 years and worked in a specialty donut shop for 1 I speak with knowledge when I say that bagels ARE INDEED the sustenance of the gods… donuts are their desert! SO SILENCE BOTH YE FROM THY BLASPHEMIES.

        Plain cake donuts are -amazing- especially if they’re BANANA cake. Just saying.

      2. Courtney says:

        A Stev, that is hands-down the best-written thing I have read in at least a month. Especially on the internet.

      3. Trisha says:

        But…but…I LOVE sunflower seed bagels!! Do I need to tame my tongue too, because, I gotta tell ya, it’s pretty wild…wait…that came out wrong…

    2. Alice says:

      I dislike bagels and I have never had a plain cake donut. I have, however, had a glazed cake donut, and it was wonderful. You are very eloquent. Now I’m going to go buy a cake donut.

    3. Jenn says:

      Everyone is acting like dunkin donuts is good to begin with. Everything there is too cakey and dry. If u want something yummy, go to krispy kreme<3

      1. Nil Zed says:

        Indeed, Krispy Kreme are, if hot, fresh, now, the essence of doughnuts, fried fresh air with sugar on top. Dunkin’ Donuts are just cake with a hole in it. Heavy clunkers.

      2. Clara says:

        No. Krispy Kreme is hot fried air and sugar. Pointless. No chain produces excellent donuts. Turn away from both Dunkin and Krispy Kreme and set thy face towards a good local bakery, preferably one that’s been making outstanding donuts since the 1950s and hasn’t redecorated much since then, either.

        1. SaBelle says:

          Couldn’t agree more KK’s are aweful. Best donuts ever are Big Donut in Los Angeles on Century Blvd.

          1. Mobcharge says:

            You incorrect.. Believe it or not, the best donut shop in the LA area is Broadway donuts located in the hell hole known as Long Beach

    4. good job kid says:

      I got to the second sentence and got bored. The kid kept me entertained the entire way through at least.

  2. Stacey says:

    Maybe you could take a spelling lesson Sam…this 12 year old can spell “doughnut” instead of taking the lazy way out!

    1. Andrew says:

      FYI…Spelling it ‘doughnut’ and ‘donut’ are both legitmate. Ever heard of a store called Dunkin’ Donuts?

      1. Tiffany says:

        Yes KK does have a truely plain doughnut. I eat them once ir twice a month. I love them. So soft and moist and delicious. I personally despise any other doughnut as the are too sweet for my liking.

      2. Nil Zed says:

        If you arrive as they are hot and fresh, you can request an unglazed doughnut at Krispy Kreme, pulled off the line before it gets bathed in glaze. I was doughtful the first time someone suggested this was a good plan, but then a convert.

        (I shall let the spelling error stand, it amuses me.)

  3. Jay says:

    The plain donut is for the Sugar on Snow supper where donuts and pickles are used to cut the sweetness of maple sugar taffy on snow in July. : )

      1. Winnie says:

        Brendt,

        I was equally confused, but having lived in Maine for a few years where they’ll have a “suppah” for anything I knew there must be a reason for the sentence. I did a search and this is what I found.

        http://blogs.smithsonianmag.com/food/2009/03/sugar-on-snow/

        Now I feel as though I learned something today, so I believe I will leave work and go enjoy the great outdoors. Or maybe I’ll go eat a Doughnut!

        1. Lisa says:

          Jay, Brent, and Winnie: Almost a year later, I stumbled upon this little treasure buried in the doughnut thread. Thanks for the smile! :)

  4. Kevin says:

    A 12-yr old wrote a funny/interesting segment on doughnuts and y’all are gonna sit here and criticize him and argue over doughnuts??! Grow up and find something about yourself to pick on rather than some innocent 12 yr old who was just sharing something innocent and funny. I’m sure if he wanted to be criticized he coulda gone back to his teacher. The nerve of some people. You must think highly of yourselves to act in such a manner.

    1. Carr says:

      Pretty sure the majority of the comments about donuts are tongue-in-cheek and all meant in fun. It’s one of the more entertaining comment threads I’ve seen in a while. (Big kudos to Sam Ebeyer and A Stev. Loved those comments.)

    2. Devon Uchiha says:

      They have to come here to pick on twelve year old’s just to make themselves feel good. Troll’s just go return to your bridge’s, as for you grammar nazi’s go kill bad grammer of someone in your age group, and then come back try again later.

      Sincerly yours!~
      The man that made you feel like an idiot

    3. Amber says:

      I agree Kevin. I say, holy hell let up people! I found the piece funny and well written. I have also proofread, graded, wrote suggestions and ranted in caps on a separate document a mile long on college papers way worse than this 12 year old’s opinion on plain doughnuts(and I am not the only one on here that has made that assessment.) This kid has better writing skills than many and the voice of the paper is clear, as if this 12 year old kid, with a sense of humor I might add, is sitting next to me at a doughnut/donut shop… (the former spelling is the correct one but the latter is widely accepted due to the English language constantly changing as often as most people change their underpants. So when it comes down to it, it is really not a big debate; but I have a BA in English Linguistics and Language Acquisition so we have a tendency to be more lenient with this sort of thing. We recognize the constant changing of the English language and its many nuances in writing.)-ranting about what he thought about the plain doughnut. Also he didn’t literally mean that the plain doughnut was a bagel, he was joking that it might as well be a bagel because it is as plain as one. I might as well add that he wasn’t bagging on bagels or implying that they were gross. It was a simple comparison. I also want to add that…isn’t bagels baked? I know that they are NOT boiled. I don’t remember who said that while skimming through the comments but I found that tid-bit a rather daft one. Kevin, you hit it right on. With most of the comments on here criticizing this kid’s entertaining and creative little paper, these people greatly overestimate their own intelligence. And by adding their snide, high handed comments over an innocuous and comedic segment written by a 12 year old kid shows a glaringly clear picture of the stupidity sprouting out of the mouths (or technically speaking, fingers)of the small minded that have nothing else better to do with their time than bag on a child. Just the few examples said above proves my (and others who have seen the same BS) theory. The reason why I took the time to rant in the first place is because of the pathetic disgrace of those who had the gall to write the things they did. Those of you who wrote such things should step back and take a really good look at themselves and what they wrote, not just here but in other places as well. Try to take an unbiased look (if you can) and criticize your comments. Just imagine that someone else wrote it and see what you come up with. That is if you even CAN stop petting your overly large ego to do so. You might just be hopeless. In any case, with my rant aside, This kid’s segment on doughnuts was a light and funny piece and should be taken as such. Have a laugh-maybe make a little joke yourself like Sam and A Stev- and move on for more web surfing to kill boredom. I would have followed said formula myself except I cannot stand idiocy and I have to say something about it. Alas, it is a curse! Oh! I have an idea! Take a plain doughnut, cut it in half like a bagel, take frosting and sprinkles and spread it on the halves and eat it like one would eat a bagel! A bagel doughnut! Now everybody happy! (lol I know it’s cheesy but I found it mildly amusing :D)

      1. JJES says:

        I’m surprised that no one has written a comment about your post (or maybe I missed it). Anyways … you say that you have a BA in English Linguistics and Language Acquisition. and then you wrote ” isn’t bagels baked?” … that’s wrong. Also, it’s good that you’re not a baker because, although you say “I know that they are NOT boiled.”, you’re wrong. I don’t know where you got your info. … it looks like you just made it up … bagels are boiled and THEN baked. Look it up. I think you greatly overestimate your own intelligence (or, at least, your ability to write and get facts straight) and maybe you should take your own advice … stop petting your overly large ego.
        There might be some mistakes in what I’ve written, but I’m not the one with the BA … I have a GED.

      2. Jan says:

        Ambre – perhaps you should proofread what you write. “I have also proofread, graded, wrote suggestions and ranted in caps…”

        Try them one at a time. I have also proofread. OK
        I have also graded. OK
        I have also wrote suggestions ALARM BELLS! ! The correct word would be ‘written’. As in “I have also proofread, graded, written suggestions and ranted in caps etc etc”

        BA in Linguistics? From where?

    1. Lauren says:

      Even counting the title, date (as 3 separate words), week 3, and A.K.A (as 3 separate words) I only got 136.

      I loved the piece, though! If only my students would write that well! :)

      1. PunaPastah says:

        You guys are lousy counters. The word count is exactly right. Must count the words in the title, “m/d/y” as three words, “Week 3″ as two and “a.k.a.” as three words and I came up with 137. Twice.

  5. sissy says:

    First, it doesn’t matter about the stupid grammar people its just a opinion that some 12 year old had its very impressive and very good ad actually has a good point to all of you who think well the grammar isn’t perfect and blah blah doesn’t matter just enjoy what the twelve your old said.

  6. Tracey says:

    OK, please don’t bash this post. As one who teaches GED students reading and writing, if this was a school assignment, I hope the grammar was corrected. Years of teachers letting bad grammar slide is part of why I have this awesome job! The voice is fantastic, and this kid could be a writer. If you are going to go for the most bang for your buck, calories, sugar, glycemic index and all, I’d pick the doughnut everytime. Plain, frosted or whatever. If there were no plain doughnuts, what would we dip in our coffee? This kid will figure that out someday!

  7. Dan says:

    I got on this gravy boat a little late so I’ll make a mass comment which encompasses many of the threads.

    1. Donut vs. Doughnut? Yes, it has dough, but not nuts, especially if it is plain. Yes I DO eat it, but I don’t eat nuts. Toss up. Deciding vote? The spell checker prefers “donut” thus the winner is “doughnut” as in “do nut spill it thees weigh.”

    2. the child’s writing? A bit sloppy for a 12 year old but with a masterful and unique sense of voice. Unless the kid didn’t see this exercise as one of exploring his own writing style and is just massively ADD with anger problems.

    3. Bagels — love ‘em but comparing them to donuts is like comparing apples to other apples that aren’t at all like the first apples. Except that one it a bagel.

    4. Word count — here’s a secret folks — English teachers don’t check word counts unless the content is so overly long or short or seems not to answer the assignment or includes extraneous material. We give word counts as a suggestion. Only online forms really care.

    5. Plain donuts — the simplicity and lack of ornamentation requires a discriminating palate which this child has yet to cultivate. He probably doesn’t like black, bitter coffee or caviar, either. Barbarian. Give him time.

  8. Will says:

    Plain donuts are the best ones, unless of course youre 12 years old and still think theres no such thing as “enough sugar”

  9. dsimathguy says:

    Hey, people complaining about this post! Shut it! How about enjoying the funny post instead? That’s what I do.

    I like donuts…

    1. Joy says:

      I think that they are enjoying it, and just having some fun. I don’t see many comments that are rude, except for maybe yours ;)

  10. Minicooper says:

    Wow… some people are bored… It’s not a doghnut vs. beigl war. I wonder whether the child wrote it himself or just copied it for the writer’s benefit.

  11. whylie2010 says:

    Impressed by a kid who knows the difference between “it’s” and “its”; Many adults don’t know the difference and it. drives. me. crazy.

    1. ender says:

      Indeed. That was one feature that led me to suspect he might have had help. And I would like pedantic Dan to cite instances of our 12-year-old OP’s ‘sloppy’ writing. I didn’t detect any.

  12. Ted says:

    The plain cake donuts are my favorite! Enough sweetness to be satisfying, but definitely NOT a bagel. I buy them by the dozen and enjoy.

  13. Cierra says:

    I am 13 years old an in the sixth grade which is about the grade he/she is in you have to take a writing exam, in Alabama. It is graded from 1-4. This girl/boy would have only made about a 2 or 3. Therefore, he/she didn’t do awesome or outstanding. It is just an average 12 year old writing

  14. Skeptic says:

    Not entirely convinced it was a 12 year old who wrote it, as it reads *exactly* like a scripted “indignant speech” delivered by a smarmy, long forgotten child actor in any number of late 80′s, early 90′s Spielberg movie. :^/

    It’s cute in an early Seinfeld-ish rant way.

  15. G-A says:

    You can tell this kid is not from New York because it is obvious they have only ever had lousy bagels. Can we fly them to NYC so they can have a proper bagel?

  16. Donuttellmeaboutdonuts says:

    This child has never had a really fresh plain donut. While this is funny and all and yes, is above the usual run of 12-year-old literary accomplishment, I still want to accompany this child 30 years back to the college dorm where I went for freshman orientation, where they made their donuts that morning. The donuts were served up still warm with the oil still gleaming on their slightly crisp skins. We plucked them from the tray in the cafeteria and bit into them, marveling at how the simple ingredients blended to form one glorious melody of taste, aroma, and mouthfeel. You can’t get that from a Duncan Donut. There is nothing better on the planet. Frosting, fillings, and sprinkles on such a glorious creation would be like gilding the lily, totally unnecessary. Alas! That college dorm today probably doesn’t even offer donuts for fear of a lawsuit from helicopter parents who want bagels (which really are no better nutritionally) and granola for their little darlings.

  17. good job kid says:

    The transparent fact that this piece has created such a large feed, is proof in itself that this is a wonderful piece of work.

    most things of worth are controversial,
    and look at all of us adults,
    we keep talking about it.

    Good job kid,
    keep us talking.

  18. Brad says:

    This child’s composition is bordering on being an exemplification of laconic prose, which is exactly what this sentence is not.

  19. Sharron says:

    I like the hint of personification that the plain donuts are trying to be more than they are by their presentation on different colored paper. Then, as if that didn’t bring them along side the special donuts, nudging closely to the “silver” paper would certainly make the masquerade a “fait complete.” However, the writer is observant and exposes this marketing trick, sans direct human cause beyond simply placing various donuts in a box. The writer screams at the plain donuts that he knows exactly what they are and what trick they are trying to pull: “DO-NUTS!”

  20. Jerry Stauffer says:

    I dream of a world where we can all eat the donuts/bagels/rice cakes/cereal/bacon/candies/baked goods/boiled goods of our own individual preference without fear of grammar Nazis beating little kids up with keyboards. This could take a while. (I enjoy an occasional powdered donut myself-too much filling can be off putting.)

    1. ender says:

      Someone should take him to a place where they make those perfect plain donuts and magical bagels that posters have praised so fervently. He might yet convert to the True Faith.

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