Apr 13, 2008
“With all due respect”: A demeaning and dishonest cliché.
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If I feel the need to point out to someone that I’m being respectful to them, it’s pretty good evidence I’m not.
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© 2012 Abuyo. All rights reserved.
And:
“I’m not prejudice,but…” I hear that one in the South. If you have to say it, it probably isn’t true.
“Please don’t be offended but…”
When I was a missionary in Tennessee, our team leader didn’t believe in the phrase, “I love you, but…” or “Jesus loves you, but…” That is still a challenge to me.
It’s worse when I’m apologizing. I know I’m wrong. I just don’t want to admit it!
“I’m sorry if I offended you, but I didn’t mean to”
My personal favorite: “I don’t mean to gossip, but…”
Not sure I agree AP. Sometimes one has to speak very clearly (and maybe even forcefully) to those in authority. It seems to me that this is when “with all due respect” is appropriate. I think what it means is, “what follows is blunt and possibly offensive. I don’t mean to be offensive, but it’s the only way that I can see that you will hear the message.” Just wait until you work for a type A boss who has little regard for other’s feelings and you’ll known what I mean.
There’s the ever popular “Don’t mean to hurt your feelings, but….” my friend calls that having your but[t] in the wrong place!!
That’s ridiculous, Abraham — it’s an extraordinarily-narrow view of how real conversations unfold. The clause “with all due respect” is a qualifier which is necessary in many, many circumstances. Let me name 3:
[1] I would qualify my relationship with my boss at work as extremely friendly and casual. Nevertheless, often we have intense disagreements over courses of action, and it is important in those situations to mark out the boundaries between the friendly interaction and the professional admonishment. So for him to begin a statement with, “with all due respect,” is a kind and clear way to say, “this is not a casual comment but a professional one: pay attention”.
[2] Dan, Phil and I occasionally have off-line exchanges in which we are sharpening each other on one topic or another. Because we are friends, we don’t treat each other with kid gloves: we speak frankly to each other. However, frank talk can easily be misunderstood as something else, so the marker “with all due respect” indicates that there is no offense meant by saying plainly what needs to be plainly said.
[3] Your Dad is wrong in his continualist view, but at the same time he is frankly a world-class scholar and I respect him really like a second father. In that, if he and I were to have 30 minutes to talk about the continualist view, and I came to the place where I was able to expose some of the weaknesses of his view, I’d frame my conclusion which the preface, “with all due respect,” in order to demonstrate that I am not trying to beat him down but that I offer him a proposal that has to admit I am an inferior source of information based on our comparative C.V.s and (if I can say this in this way) seniority in the body of Christ.
Tossing the phrase “with all due respect” out of polite conversation is overkill. Does it sometimes serve as a cover for people to say rude things? Sure. Does that mean that it’s always a dodge? Not hardly.
I agree. I don’t ever feel the need to say “with all due respect” or “no offense, but” with people I respect. People I love and respect may be slighted or hurt by something I say because they disagree or it is hard to hear, but I trust it won’t damage my relationship with them.
“to be totally honest with you . . .”
and ’round my neck of the woods, I hear a lot of “Bless your heart.”
That’s a phrase intended to say they feel sorry for me but they really don’t.
Frank,
The phrase is not polite. It is a way for impolite people to fake it, and have an excuse when they’re offensive.
I can see how it would be difficult to to get rid of this excuse.
Respect should be the entire flavor of our communication, not an adjunctive dish that we stick on the front to cleanse the palate.
(Note: the only thing that adding “with all due respect” to the beginning of this comment would do is add an air of condescension. I wouldn’t only seem harsh; I’d seem harsh and pompous.)
Completely agree with Abraham. I don’t think I have ever used that phrase. Saying something doesn’t make it true. Our conversations should be seasoned with love and respect through our body language and choice of words…there is no need to qualify it.
Call it a cliché and enough said. (All clichés are “demeaning and dishonest,” aren’t they?)
And all politeness teeters on the edge of cliché all the time. “Please” means “Gimme,” “Excuse me” means “Get out of my way,” “How are you?” means “There you are in my line of vision and I have to say something,” “Fine, thank you” means “I don’t want to tell you” and on and on… But none of us is ready to can politeness for all that.
The solution is the same as it is with any cliché avoid it if it’s not true or, if it is true, say what you really mean.
Karsten
I think I agree more with Frank on this point.(not on his incorrrect cessationist view).
Is it wrong to affirm your respect for someone verbally and in the same sentence express disagreement over some lesser matter?
Isn’t that all the phrase is saying? (I can’t assume motive on those words alone can I?)
(1) I respect you. (Giving verbal affirmation of the truth – when it is true – and I think in situations when that phrase is used it can be – is very appropriate).
and (2) I disagree.
How is that dimeaning or dishonest?
as an attorney, the phrase ‘with all due respect’ is worn. I agree with Adam; can’t we affirm disagree and respect? Go out on a limb, risk more, with grace-
Somehow I feel the burn of this. I made just that statement recently. And yet I made the comment… with all due respect.
clichés can be useful. I use them all the time to make sure that my meaning is clear. Sometimes, making up new and colorful phrases is a guaranteed way to be misunderstood.
Adam is right, but Frank is also right. Adam, you can’t really judge all situations can you? Can’t you think of one situation where this phrase, or something very like it, could form part of an authentic, sincere conversation?
Melissa is perfect – she has never said it. Why tell us? And as an attorney, Karen, you should be better than to throw out an argument from authority so fast. Attorneys are wrong sometimes, Melissa is not therefore an attorney. I know so, because I just do – okay?
I don’t know that cliches are necessarily dishonest and demeaning…after all, they became cliches because a lot of people thought they were fresh, precise, and applicable.
But I do agree that writers need to avoid them, because now they’re, well, cliches. :-)
I also agree with Abraham that “with all due respect” generally means it isn’t. I love that quote from Margaret Thatcher: “Being a leader is like being a lady. If you have to tell people you are one, you aren’t.”
I do agree that the phrase “with all due respect” is certainly uttered falsely on many occassions.
But I disagree that it is “necessarily” demeaning and dishonest. Therefore, I believe the phrase can and should be used in conversation or writing. The context and manner in which it is delivered will make all the difference. It can keep the conversation going and disarm defensiveness (even if ever so subtly).
Our brother Josh Harris used it recently in his wrap up article on the “Shout to the Lord/American Idol” drama.
JH Quote: “I guess I’m not really at home with either group. With all due respect, I don’t think that having a song like Shout to the Lord sung (even though I like it) is going to usher in revival.”
I would take more issue with a phrase like “to be perfectly honest” – …as opposed to what? Imperfectly honest? (or “totally honest” like Timmy noted above). That phrase seems truly “dishonest”.
Said another way: “I don’t generally regard you an idiot, though in this matter you’re getting close.”
We are are called to “speak the truth in love” (Ephesians 4:15). This means we should not shy away from the truth to avoid conflict, but our heart attitude should be that of love and respect for the hearer, not just simply a selfish need to be proven right.
HSAT, I believe Abraham has a point that this phrase is often misused, but, in light of the above verse, the issue is not the phrase itself, but the heart attitude of the person using it.
If we actually to respect the hearer, the words following the phrase “with all due respect” will bear this out. If we in fact flippantly dismiss or belittle the person or their position with our words, then we are lying if we are saying “with all due respect…”
“This you know, my beloved brethren But everyone must be quick to hear, slow to speak and slow to anger; for the anger of man does not achieve the righteousness of God.”
– James 1:19-20
For example:
Bad:
‘With all due respect, you’re an idiot.”
Good:
“With all due respect, I hear you saying _______, and if this is in fact your position, I’ll say I agree with ______ because ________, but I disagree with ________ because _______. Do I understand you correctly? Do you understand my position, even if you don’t agree?