Apr 27, 2008
12 ways to love your wayward children. What would you add to the list?
I spoke at a parenting class today. My article on how to love your prodigals was my outline.
What would you add?
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That was an outstanding article. I am not in a position to add anything, but it does give me clarity of thinking as I work with a couple “prodigals” in our church.
Thanks so much for writing such a sincere, straight-forward article.
Great article man! The Lord has blessed you with a wonderful gift to articulate with words. I was brought to tears with the compassion your 12 ways expressed. He is slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love. Thanks man!
Well,
I’m certainly glad “taking your child outside the city walls and stoning them to death” wasn’t on the list or niether you and I would be here right now Aber. :-)
don’t set a timeline. let God do His work in His time.
WOW! Thank you so much for this article. I am printing and pasting in my journal to read over and over again as I pray for my children. You have been an encouragement to me. Thank you so much!
“Shepherd your other children to do these 12 things too.” Being the sibling in these situations is tough sometimes, so to have parents who actively lead the other kids in caring for their wayward sibling is really important.
Excellent, Barnabas. Thanks!
13. Boundaries — don’t enable.
It’s one thing to show hospitality, love, and care. It’s another to pay delinquent bills and blindly hand over cash. Require adult behavior from those who say they are adults.
IMO. It was one of the most crucial things my parents (who are cultural Christians but not inside the Gospel) did for me.
I really liked what you wrote. Though I’m not a parent myself, I have many friends who are prodigals. I’d like to see what you have to say about how to love your prodigal friends. This can be hard too!
Thank you for sharing this! I e-mailed it to a few friends. My children are all 10 and under, but I have some older friends w/adult children who are struggling in their faith. I thought your article would be helpful to them, but it also was encouraging to me in my own parenting. Keep sharing your heart.
Frank,
I think you’re right that boundaries are important to set sometimes.
But what do you think it means that the prodigal son’s outwardly rebellious stint was entirely “enabled” by his father?
Thanks, Abraham.
I was in the parenting class on Sunday.
When all the happenings were boiled down what is true at the core about your story and Kempton’s was that God sovreignly met you both. That alone is what gives me hope for all the waywardness in those I love – including me.
Parents of wayward children look for any little sign of ‘goodness’ or ‘progress’ – any straw to grasp. Their emotions ebb and flow with the outward appearances of sought-for behavior. But God’s spirit is like the wind – no one knows how He acts. And act He will because He holds our children, despite all outward show. So all that ‘going to Egypt for help’ ends up being more damaging and empty.
Trust ONLY in God. That’s what I’ve gleaned through tears…..
“Woe to those who go down to Egypt for help and rely on horses,who trust in chariots because they are many and in horsemen because they are very strong,but do not look to the Holy One of Israel or consult the LORD!” Isaiah 31: 1-3
boundaries would depend on the age, i suppose. a parent couldn’t do much about a 21 year old in regards to boundaries, but could do a lot for a 16 year old.
Not to make light of your story, which is really encouraging. But I’m wondering…
1. Do you still roll your own cigarettes?
2. If so, are they better now that you’re consciously rolling them to the glory of God?
3. Would you still say that Miller High Life is the “champagne of beers”?
Jake, you’re not making light. Those are important questions.
1. No.
2. They would be better if I did, because I would have a happier heart and I’d use American Spirit instead of Top.
3. Miller High Life was the most liquid for the least cash. Now that I have a job, I can afford better.
Become “human” to them.
Our kids are well acquainted with our flaws and hypocrisy, whether or not this is ever articulated. While I wouldn’t allow them to play victim and blame “me” for their poor choices and decisions, I think sharing my stories of brokenness speaks credibility to them. My kids need to know I KNOW I’m not perfect and don’t have all the answers.
Nothing speaks more loudly than the testimony of a changed heart, a changed mind–one that reflects the POWER of God in a life, to do that which you haven’t been able to do on your own.
I’m gonna get shot for alternating between first and third person, aren’t I? ;)
I would like to read the “side bar story” that you refered to.
Excellent and honest article. Thank you for sharing.
Excellent. I’m especially encouraged to read #3. One of the many benefits to drinking in moderation.
(Plus Matt 18:15-17 would probably apply to the use of Miller High Life.)
I would also be interested in the “side bar story” that was mentioned. And can you give real concrete examples of showing Jesus to my almost 13 year old who already battles pronography. Thank you for the encouragement.
That’s a great question, Abraham.
I don’t think the father “enabled” the prodigal son. The son demanded his inheritance, (it was due to him in some respect) and the father gave him what was due to him as an inheritance. When that was all spent, all gone, the son didn’t write home and say, “Hey Dad: you could bail me out if you sent Eliezar with a sack of Denari and a nice coat. Don’t wreck my life by cutting me off.”
When the PS spent all the money, it was gone — he knew there wasn’t any more where that came from with which to do what he was doing. His thoughts on that matter are clear: “I am no longer worthy to be called your son. Treat me as one of your hired servants.”
It’s a somewhat looney American idea that somehow parents should simply bleed themselves to death financially for their kids — no matter how bad those kids are. Are they welcome home? Of course they are. Are they still family? We should wait for them — as you and I have discussed before — from a long way off, eager to see them return.
But to say that we should give them a second inheritance after they have spent the first — or worse, not to set the boundary of “inheritance” and leave the matter open-ended as if money is somehow not a consequence of something else (as in, “if you don’t work, you don’t eat”) — is enablement, and overlooks many, many other places where Scripture teaches us how to be good parents.
Boundaries are good things. One can’t live them if one hasn’t learned them.
that smilie, btw, is an accident of the comments here and not intended.
Thank you, Abraham, for your reality-based, hope-filled, and Christ-centered thoughts.
i would strongly recommend getting john macarthur’s newest book, “a tale of two sons: the inside story of a father, his sons, and a shocking murder.” it is the most comprehensive look at this incredible parable i have ever read. and i think the extensive treatment of this, jesus’ longest parable, would help “set the record straight” in terms of the exchanges between abraham and frank over whether or not the father “enabled” his son’s prodigal living (abraham) or he just gave his son what he rightfully could demand (frank). i would argue both views are way too simplified and really do not give fair treatment to this amazing parable. more later.
http://www.amazon.com/Tale-Two-Sons-Inside-Shocking/dp/0785262687
Thank you for this very insightful article that has helped to refocus on what truly matters. In the midst of the pain and tears we must not lose sight of the goodness of God. In the struggle with a prodigal there is the reminder of our own sinfulness when we sin in our anger- we recognize our spiritual povert y. And we become desperate for God, knowing that we can rely only on Him for true and lasting change These are two very precious gifts from Him. I will plead more rather than rebuke!
I stumbled upon your article by accident at a time when my 20 year old was recently arrested (for the second time) and left home the next day. We have not seen him in a month, he hasn’t talked to his dad and I’ve only had a brief text conversation with him. We are devastated beyond words. We are holding on to the truth that God loves him even more than we do and are trusting Him with whatever He chooses for our son, but it is still very hard– this doesn’t fit into what we thought or hoped for and it’s hard for us to see good come from it…. but His plans are not ours and our faith must be in the person of Jesus Christ and not our situation.
I read your list a few months ago and found it a great encouragement. One of the points that particularly hit home was the one about how others in the church view you, your child, your faith, your family’s faith when you have a child who is not in Christ. One woman at our church actually said to me, “Were you not Christians when your daughter was young.” At that point I remembered a sermon of your Dad’s about the Unbelief of Bitterness (I think that was the title.) and with God’s grace chose to forgive. It was her world view and no matter her view I will love and pray for my daughter until God chooses to make his call irresistable. Thanks for your list.
Thank you for your insight. This was a great article. Very helpful. I wish more returning prodigals would give us their wisdom. I still don’t understand when you write at the end Only His grace can draw them …and bind them safely to Himself ; “He will do this for many.” I guess you mean he will not draw all. It’s inconceivable to me that God would tell us to be fruitful and multiply and then only draw a few but consign the other “many” to hell – so if you have five maybe He’ll draw three and the others are damned. but that’s a whole other issue.