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I think that if you can fairly call the exchange a “fight”, you’re most likely not approaching the situation properly in the first place and should not engage in such behavior before your kids. At least to me, the word “fight” suggests yelling, blameshifting, or trying to assert oneself over one’s spouse… which is not healthy communication.

Disagreement, however, can be walked out in meekness, and I don’t see why that would need to be concealed from the kids. But if I were pressed to choose just one of the options above, it would be #1 — not that parents have to pretend to instantly agree, but that it should be obvious they are on the same team and working through their difference of opinion in humility and self-control.

We don’t fight. (My wife is a saint.)

My wife and I disagree at times and we are short with one another in front of our kids. Never do we raise our voices, but even a child can tell when you are not happy with someone.
I don’t think we need to hide the ebb and flow of a marriage from our kids. They should see our affection toward one another, and they should also see us get frustrated with each other. This is real flesh and blood relationship. Plus, when I am wrong, I apologize in front of and to my kids.
However, there are times when we stop and say, “We will talk about this later.” There are some things our kids should not have to worry about.
I grew up in a family where my parents “fought”, and I mean the verbal yelling and deriding. This severely hurt me as a kid, and I remember feeling as though my world would collapse and wanting to just run away.
I think our kids should feel safe, secure and loved, but they should also know that a perfect marriage is not perfect.

In theory, #1. In practice, #2.

I think when #2 is really done (including reconciliation), it accomplishes #1.

Unity doesn’t mean never disagreeing, or even never thinking the other person is an idiot. Unity means we fight to restore the bond that’s weakened by those things.

Our policy is that if they see the disagreement they also need to see the resolution process.

I hope my wife and I never “appear” to be anything we aren’t. If we don’t agree on something, we don’t pretend, and we don’t hide it from the kids. What we do strive for is being unified in our call to be godly, biblical parents. Hopefully our kids see unity on that point.

We don’t “fight”…but that doesn’t mean we handle differences perfectly. We error on the side of not talking about issues which isn’t good (at least in a fight, you get the issues out).

We’re 20 years into this so we’ve had our fair share of disagreements. But fighting? That word adds a connotation of hostility that I pray by His grace isn’t present when we take opposite sides. I’ve been very angry, very hurt, felt very passionately about what I believed, but there has never been anything come up that was worth losing the fellowship of my husband over.

But it has to be in front of our girls sometimes…when the subject matter is appropriate. I want them to see a way to resolve differences. I don’t want them to have to attend a communications class in college for it. I also want them to see what it means that “the heart of her husband trusts her. He has no lack of gain. She does him good and not evil all the days of her life.” (Prov. 31:11-12) Esp. when I disagree. Otherwise how will I be able to say with Paul, “Be imitators of me, as I am of Christ.” (1 Cor. 11:1)

Travis, you stole the words out of my mouth. I believe that when #2 is in practice towards the goal of forgiveness and reconciliation, #1 gets accomplished. It keeps the refreshing realness to our children that mommy and daddy are sinners too, but are living under the authority of God as well. It’s funny, because this happened last night when we tucked our daughter in for my bed. She asked about us fighting and then she witnessed us reconciling. If the children don’t see reconciliation it can create fear within them. Just a couple of thoughts.

What Andrew said.

We argue, disagree, and yes even “fight,” in front of our kids. We also forgive and restore things in front of them too -so they can see the whole process play out.

With respect to everybody who’s distinguished between the two, I think the whole “disagreement”/”fight” distinction is kind of silly. I doubt if any of us who have been married for longer than a week have done it without a fight. Doesn’t mean you were physically at each other’s throats or the marriage was in jeopardy; just that at least one of you was ticked and you both knew it. In a perfect world we wouldn’t fuss, but we all know that’s not the case.

I go with #2. The kids don’t need to see all the nasty details, but they do need to see what it looks like to have a serious conflict and handle it well. I remember seeing my grandparents disagree over something, not have time to work it out, then kiss & say “I love you” when my granddad had to leave. It stuck with me. I hope my kid has all sorts of memories like that, so when he gets in a fight on his honeymoon (did anybody not?) he remembers that there are good and bad ways to fight.

My husband grew up watching his parents truly FIGHT. It was terrible for him.

My parents never fought in front of me. In fact, they never fought. They had disagreements. But these were always handled discretely and behind closed doors.

What I’ve learned in 10 years of marriage is:

It takes two to fight.

And also,

“A soft answer turns away wrath.”

We don’t fight—my husband is a saint!

I’m not married. But my parents did fight, gently, in front of us. That showed that both of the options above are possible. They were unified despite their disagreements - and in so doing, they showed us brothers how disagreements could be done correctly.

Yes.

fight is a very strong word i think–fight=sin in my mind, at least what *i* picture as a “fight” or “fighting” between married people. maybe some people would use the word “fight” to simply mean a disagreement. i want my kids to learn to handle conflict/disagreements well, and hopefully we can model that for them. we disagree in front of our kids, might get a bit short with one another, they witness wrong responses…but we don’t “fight” (in front of our kids, or in private).

ideally, if mommy and daddy were in the wrong in front of the kids, they’d get to witness our reconciliation, too.

i wouldn’t teach them how to “fight well” because in my mind, fighting is sin so there’s no way to do it well. but if you are referring to fighting well as handling a disagreement well, then that’s different.

care to explain your idea of “fighting”?

Others have already made the point,

Others have already made the point that 1 and 2 can work together, and that observation seems right to me. We’d like to teach our kids that real unity comes about by addressing points of disagreement and not by pretending they don’t exist.

And I’m assuming that “fight” here means “argue.”

Yes.

Fighting or arguing that involves anger in front of your kids shakes their foundation. It makes them fearful and anxious that what they trust is permanent and safe could go away. Obviously, we aren’t perfect and we don’t live in a perfect world so rather than or at least more important than showing your kids that you are capable of resolving your conflicts…remind them that mom and dad love and are committed to each other everyday, all of the time and that is not going to change.

Yeah, I would use “fight” for a disagreement that involves anger. I guess what I’m trying to say is that this is guaranteed to happen, sin or not, and honestly I think it’s guaranteed to happen in front of the kids, sin or not. When I say I want my kids to “fight well” I mean disagree, even argue, without personal attacks, “you always do this,” other unnecessary dramatics, and with the goal of reconciliation.

I just feel like saying “we don’t fight, we disagree” is a little more rosy than what I think really happens in most of our marriages. And I think disagreement that works toward reconciliation is part of showing our kids how committed we are to each other, and modeling for them what their marriage will hopefully look like.

Sorry, one more thing. I should clarify that I definitely don’t mean throwing temper tantrums in front of the kids, or that they should be brought into the room for every discussion. Just that they will see us disagree and be frustrated with each other, and how we do that can set a good example for them.

Yes.

I was probably 7 or 8 the first time I ever saw my parents argue with each other. I had been so accustomed to not seeing it that I remember asking if they were going to get a divorce! Because of the loving relationship modeled before me, and the wonderful memories it provides, parents, please don’t fight in front of the kids!

[...] Fight in Front of the Kids? A good discussion at 22 Words. [...]

My parents fought quite frequently in front of us, my father was not an easy man to live with. There was yelling, screaming, and the occasional cussing and hitting. My wife on the other hand never saw any fighting and the family dynamics were much more of a passive-aggressive type. Today I and she both agree that although my situation was not perfect it was better because you learn how to disagree with people and under the counsel of your parents can learn to do it in such a way that you can learn to do it in a God honoring way. Throughout all the years of my childhood even through all the fights I don’t ever remember hearing the word ‘Divorce’ mentioned. As Christians it was not an option to even be considered.

To be honest, we really fall down on the fighting thing. We disagree (sometimes loudly) quite a bit. And I’m not proud of that.

On the other hand, we are always united with decisions related to the kids. If he says they can or cannot do something, I’m not going to swoop in and undo it, and vice versa. If there’s a real problem with something, I’ll pull my hubby aside and let him know and then let him be the one to make any changes to his previous decision. I’ve always appreciated that about our relationship.

Now to work on the fighting part…

Lots of caveats, perhaps, but I’m an advocate of #2, at least by experience.

I think it can be helpful for kids to see how that unity may be attained.

What #6 Michael Krahn said.

We’re married 20 years tomorrow, so we don’t bother to disagree about anything anymore. We’ve settled in, in the very best way!

Thankfully, the children weren’t here to watch us for the first year or two.

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