May 27, 2008
3 conflicting ways to practice rightness in our relationships.
What’s our focus on?
1. Having rights—Defending what we deserve.
2. Being right—Knowing what we deserve.
3. Doing right—Forsaking what we deserve.
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Theme based on Derek Punsalan's Grid Focus.
so in light of the Gospel it is…
1. we don’t deserve anything good
2. we realize we deserve hell
3. we humble ourselves
Yes, that’s true between us and God.
But I’m talking about our relationships with other people, in which we do sometimes deserve good things.
I notice that this post (and it is a very good post) is filed under “constructive criticism.” But is there such a thing? Isn’t all criticism hurtful? Or is it simply the best term we could find?
It seems we often criticize in hurtful ways and then try to justify it by sticking the “contructive” in front of it, as if it’s not so bad then.
i still think the answer is to be a servant and to humble ourselves. that might be because im reading Humility by Andrew Murray right now… i realize that this wont happen 100% of the time, and i think the goal in any relationship (friend or whatever) is to put them ahead of you. the only problem is doing that and getting walked on, which i guess goes back to your point of, sometimes we deserve good things, or at least feel we do.
but in those three options our focus should absolutely be on doing right.
It would defy your goal of brevity, but shouldn’t #3 go beyond forsaking yourself to extend to others what they do not deserve?
Awesome. You have just said in 22 words what I have been trying to get my mind around for years.
Thank you.
Absolutely, Chris. That’s where you come in. :)
This blog would be nothing without the comments section.
Ooh, profound. I’m going to write that down and pray to live up to #3.
22 Words that perfectly captured what I’ve been trying to explain to my 10 yr old daughter lately – she’s been having a difficult time with a teacher at school. I used your post as our morning devotional and I think for the first time she began to understand what “doing right” really means. Thanks!!!!
Filed under constructive criticism: Something just seems missing. Something that has nothing to do with rights or forsaking them. But has nothing to do with a theological spin on “we don’t deserve anything” either. Wish I could think more clealry at the moment.
Eagerly awaiting your thoughts once you’re thinking clearer.
Today I’m failing miserably in two relationships by focusing on 1. and 2.
I think a large order of 3. is in order for this afternoon… unless you can give me a verse that says relationships with bandmates are supposed to work this way.
Please, send the verse if you find one… it will mean less crow eating for me.
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Shoot.
I needed to hear this.
And now I’m squirming.
In a still far too brief but more clear reaction, I think my resistance to the three ways to practice rightness comes from a shift in my own thinking about the human person and Christian vocation away from individual rights and just desserts towards a more mystical understanding of freedom and responsibility in relation to others. It has something to do with Bonhoeffer, something to do with Dostoyevsky, and something to do with internalizing the incarnation as the fundamental ground of my way of being in the world. I find that in all but the poltical sense, I just don’t know what “rights” and “desserts” even have to do with anything anymore — not only in relation to God but also in relation to others.
Quoting Michael: “But is there such a thing? Isn’t all criticism hurtful? ”
I guess all criticism hurts, but there is a difference. If someone beats me up and robs me, that hurts for my harm. If someone does surgery on me, that hurts for my good. A vandal breaks up a block of something to destory it. A sculptor chisels and hammers to make something beautiful out of it.
I have personalized this and put it up on the wall in my office:
Is my focus on?
1. Having rights—Defending what I deserve.
2. Being right—Knowing what I deserve.
3. Doing right—Forsaking what I deserve.
Thanks for these words of wisdom.
[...] (Abraham Piper has an excellent insight into criticism, being right and following Jesus HERE) [...]