Nov 21, 2008
If you don’t care about things that don’t matter, you can’t care about people.
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I used to take pride in my “inability” to participate in small talk.
I guess I preferred being emotionally stunted and unloving.
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© 2012 Abuyo. All rights reserved.
So how ’bout them Phillies?
Who drives the 22 car?
When does American Idol start again?
Not deep topics, but conversation starters.
I appreciate this post.
Exposes and chastens the prideful heart of what we might alternately deem a commitment to depth.
[However, I also believe it's important to be "directionally deep", in the sense that it's not good to perpetually laze about in the non-essential sphere, allow others to lull us into lazing there, or fail to remind/inform others that the deep water exists.]
I grew up with friends who had that same pride. As a teenage I didn’t understand it, but now that I am much wiser ( ;-) )…you’re right it’s pride.
I agree with Deets…the goal of small talk is to lead to deep conversation. Deep conversations are much more enjoyable to me, but I see the value in those shallow conversations…as long as it doesn’t stay there for long!
We should be able to go deep.
We should also be able to go small.
Unfortunately, to some deep’s the only option.
i don’t think it’s “unloving” to prefer depth to triviality. yes, there is something to enjoy in the small things of life. however, life is short, and getting beyond the conversations that don’t have much meaning simply being more intentional with your words and time.
there’s definitely a time and place for small talk, especially with those you might not know as well, but when questions like “how are you?” only get one word answers, we’ve lost something, so that those of us who really care have to jump through hoops to actual find out how you’re really doing. and if trying to cut throw the shallow masks of one-word answers and topics that we don’t really care about is “emotionally stunted”, then i’d say that’s a title worth wearing.
Whew, what a balance to strike! I’m finding myself in the midst of this often, having just graduating from my undergrad and now immersed into solid fellowship where we struggle with these things amongst our group and in our day-to-day lives. Praying for direction on this one, that’s for sure.
Beautiful irony. Well done.
THAT, my friend, is a pearl of wisdom.
Take note theological egg-heads and task-oriented people of all stripes: this is the best piece of advice wrapped in self-assessment that anyone under the age of 40 will ever give you.
Home run. My corollary is this: “apologetics doesn’t happen through monologues but only through dialogs — and you can’t dialog with someone who doesn’t know something about you.”
Laughing out loud on this post b/c my wonderful boyfriend also lacks the ability to do small talk. We are working on this since we will be spending Thankgiving with my family and going deep is not their strong suit.
I think small talk is only profitable when done from a worldview perspective that realizes that Christ makes the mundane meaningful. So perhaps there are very little subjects that really don’t matter. Maybe just degrees of mattering.
Yes, Abraham. It all matters!
Our smaller matters plus our bigger matters equal the sum of who we are which matters monumentally.
Bravo. And ouch.
Amen and amen. This is a great description of the same journey I had to go through.
I am still terrible at it compared to those who have a larger head start, but I have learned that there is a deep, deep joy springing from the love of other persons that expresses itself in the simple delight of listening to and engaging in small talk – talk of “small things.”
And I never knew how unloving I was to have elevated talk of great things like theology above small things like bread and wine and missing buttons and Runaway Bunny and guitar chords and …
… but it is so hard to see from within the experience of addiction to talk of great things.
It makes me sorrow for the world.
Very good, Abraham. Thanks for this.
When I see myself agreeing with Frank Turk …Small talk can be a bridge, over the creek of not knowing someone.
Great thought. Doesn’t every relationship have to start with small talk? I am a little freaked out by someone that bears their soul when standing in line at Starbucks.
It’s true, though I think being intellectually stunted and uninteresting — aka unable to engage in “big talk” — is ultimately a much greater flaw.
I think everyone is capable of engaging in “big” talk once they trust the person they are talking to and that takes small talk :) For some of us, it takes more small talk than others to believe that the person listening really cares.
i used to HATE small talk. i kinda still do. but i’ve come to pretty much the same conclusion as you.
I’m a really far cry from an anti-intellectual, but I think you’re wrong, Ben. And I think this is no small thing.
It’s so hard to convey, though … (sigh)
I hate small talk.
i hate small talk. but it’s only because i’m no good at it and i have a very strong aversion to awkward situations. the latter being my biggest stumbling block to small talk/loving people i’ve never met.
how does one overcome such an aversion?
And we love you anyway, Joey.
Oh how I would love to share this with a relative who shows up at my house once a year at the holidays to hide out in the bedroom with his books and computer because he just can’t stand to chat with us.
Good point, Abraham. One of the author’s in Godin’s (edited) book a few years ago, The Big Moo, makes a similar point. He also points out that small talk often leads to other, “more important,” stuff which you wouldn’t get to otherwise.
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Sometimes in small talk I see the manifestations of deep insecurity, poorly masked. So much small talk is focused on “self”, both as subject and as purpose. It makes me uncomfortable because it exposes my own insecurities.
By the way, wondering what “Small Talk for the Glory of God” would sound like? For sure, would be life-giving and transformational. Clearly something I personally am not capable of by my own strength.
excellent, excellent, excellent.
As a task oriented, everything, every conversation has to matter type person, I have learned this the hard way. And, thanks to my humble and wise husband who pastors a small church, I have learned that the art of loving people sometimes means talking about the football game last night or the quilt they are sewing and simply just being with them. And that these conversations, not only pave the way for the deep conversations, but earn you the right to move beyond small talk.
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This is me all over!!!! Arghhhhhhhhhh
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I hate small talk — I hate having to talk about things that don’t require my action — I do not enjoy the “listen to my day” talk, unless I get to be a part of helping out, and the person doing the asking wants to be helped. If it’s just “I have this and this and this and this to do” and it changes absolutely nothing about my day, then why do I care!
But, I totally agree with this “pearl of wisdom” as someone put it. People, not everyone, but people in general, like to be heard and listened to. I suppose, by posting this, I am even asking to be heard. I find that it’s tough to keep friends, and continue showing interest in other people and who they are (wife included) if I don’t give some time and patience listening to what seems SOOOO boring.
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