Dec 5, 2008
Miscommunication begins with the communicator.
When misunderstood, my goal shouldn’t be to prove the misunderstander wrong, but to discover, own, and perhaps clear the confusion I created.
Subscribe to 22 Words
Recent Comments
- Will on How to become a wine expert and other advice for inexperienced wine lovers
- Stephen May on It’s not a slide, it’s a proto-steampunk ghetto park bench for one.
- Stephen May on Who or whom? A clear, simple answer from a professional grammarian
- Stephen May on Elitists in Minnesota town Lino Lakes approve English-only resolution
- Will Adair on How to become a wine expert and other advice for inexperienced wine lovers
Sponsors
Categories
- Arts in General (24)
- Bible (66)
- Blogging (153)
- Brevity (25)
- Constructive Criticism (268)
- Faith (210)
- Food & Drink (54)
- Language (214)
- Literature (104)
- Love (86)
- Miscellanea (286)
- Movies (14)
- Music (155)
- parenting (153)
- Personal (182)
- Questions (255)
- Quotes (41)
- Recommendations (129)
- Sports (8)
- Uncategorized (8)
- Visual Art (27)
- Writing (56)
Archives
- July 2010 (107)
- June 2010 (79)
- May 2010 (89)
- April 2010 (62)
- March 2010 (21)
- February 2010 (25)
- January 2010 (32)
- December 2009 (47)
- November 2009 (63)
- October 2009 (45)
- September 2009 (40)
- August 2009 (40)
- July 2009 (40)
- June 2009 (37)
- May 2009 (47)
- April 2009 (51)
- March 2009 (40)
- February 2009 (31)
- January 2009 (44)
- December 2008 (47)
- November 2008 (54)
- October 2008 (50)
- September 2008 (41)
- August 2008 (45)
- July 2008 (51)
- June 2008 (51)
- May 2008 (66)
- April 2008 (74)
- March 2008 (71)
- February 2008 (19)
Reader Recommendations
Some of the books and music that you, the readers, have recommended here over time:
Twitter Recommendations
Theme based on Derek Punsalan's Grid Focus.
very helpful, thanks.
that’s one of those things that’s really easy to know and yet really hard to want to do in the situation. isn’t it annoying how we’re like that. praise God for his grace : )
Amen. Sadly, the place where I struggle with this the most? Conversations with my wife. :sigh:
This is also very true in theological discourse don’t you think?
Only one of the chiefmost problems is we have taken to huddling in corners with the people who agree with us, effectively making your advice impossible and furthering the confusion and mutual accusation.
When I was working on my undergrad at LSU, one of my philosophy professors taught us to use what he called the Principle of Charity when writing. He said that we must interpret our opponent’s argument in the best (most rationally coherent) light and when we write, write to improve upon his main point and not to refute some obscure subpoint.
It seems to me you are making 2 points:
1. when miscommunication happens, the communicator should take the responsibility for seeking resolution (with humility),
and 2. if miscommunication happens, it’s always created by the communicator.
I think I’ve seen cases where the “mis” part of miscommunication was due to error on the receiver’s part. So, if you are saying those 2 things, I’m not sure about #2, but wholeheartedly agree with #1. I think we far too often error on the side of thinking we are right and the other person is wrong. Humility goes a long way creating an atmosphere where things can be cleared up.
[...] Spot on. [...]
[...] Spot on. [...]
I agree. My problem is that I boast in the flesh; Instead of being rooted and grounded in God’s unbreakable, love that he made visible in Jesus, I look for my significance in feeling superior to other people.
Thanks. That sounds familiar. Just yesterday I revisited my notes from the ’08 DG Nat Con. Paul Tripp said in his talk on the War of Words,
“It’s only when you stand before your Redeemer and are humbly willing to say, regardless of the flawed people you live among, ‘I am my greatest communication problem,’ you are heading in a direction of fundamental change.”
I think I’m going to back off on my #2 comment…I do think that we can always be more clear in our communication. The examples I was thinking of in my head to support my statement deal more with disagreement than with miscommunication.
That’s very true, I think, but something I sometimes find very difficult to do. Often my first (and sinful) response is to defend myself.
Tony C said what I was going to say.
I teach a parenting class on Communication and one of the quotes we use is, “The quality of my communication is the response I get”.
It felt wooden when my husband and I first began to practice it, but now it has proven extremely helpful in clearing up miscommunications that could easily have become conflicts:
A.R.T.
A- Affirm “THank you for sharing this. I want to make sure I understand you.”
R- Reflect “So, what i hear you telling me is…[followed by an accurate re-telling of what the receiver is hearing the speaker say].
T- Tell me more “Tell me more about this or tell me what I can do differently next time.”
So, is Tony C’s second comment evidence for or against your point? Did he misunderstand, or merely disagree in his first response? If he misunderstood, whose fault was it? Since he sought to clarify his original comment, didn’t he actually practice your premise, and can he have really misunderstood?
There’s just so much I don’t understand.
(My apologies in advance for any confusion created by this comment.)
nephos- My thoughts exactly…I think. When it comes down to it, I don’t think one can place blame for miscommunication solely on one party. I’m thinking Abraham’s statement would agree with that (?).
ok – I’ll take a stab at answering your questions.
1. (evidence for/against point) we don’t know, yet. We’ll see if Abraham attacks me, or seeks to clear things up :)
2. I misunderstood, formed an opinion based on my misunderstanding, then started to defend my opinion.
3. both of us, I guess. But I don’t think it’s his fault I need clarification. But he has the responsibility now to clear up the misunderstanding.
4. My clarification was based on a new statement I was making, again, in response to my misunderstanding of Abraham’s comment. So, the original misunderstanding is partly there.
You and I have now formed triangular communications about something Abraham said, which has caused more confusion. :)
Tony, thanks for clearing that up!
“You and I have now formed triangular communications about something Abraham said, which has caused more confusion. :)”
And of course it’s all his fault since he started it.
Nephos, I can own that.
I’m glad I said communicators only perhaps have to clear things up. :)
I have the hardest time with this very subject in dealing with my very gracious wife. I am such a jackass sometimes, and I blame her for not “hearing” me correctly.
Thanks for the reminder and challenge.
[...] Miscommunication begins with the communicator. « 22 Words (tags: cjh_comment) [...]
it’s that lawyer thing. i do not relent as a matter of course. by God’s awful mercy, I’ve been challenged to own messes I make-it’s making all the difference. Thank you for the post.
40 years ago, I worked for National Systems Manager at the old Mode O’Day Dress Mfgrs in California. He was incredibly experienced in that pre-computerized world of manual systems for a nationwide string of stores. I was hired as his assistant. His intelligence and enthusiasm for “systems–any kind of logical and effective thinking” hooked from the start.
Whenever I screwed up a task he had given me with re to forms design, he ALWAYS started his correction with this statement, “If I had explained it better, you would have done better.” That approach allowed me to totally focus on improving what I was doing…and blew me away! He was not a Christian. I was. I sensed even then in my 20′s that I was seeing a genuine humility/meekness that was similar to what the Lord wanted in me.
Of course, let’s acknowledge also that the tone of our conversation here does not include the reality that there are folks who intend to be offended, who desire to misunderstand. Let’s not paint the subject with a single palette, because that leaves those who are vulnerable to the endless blaming and guilt-trips of some even more vulnerable.
[...] •Abraham Piper on 7 ways that people dull the intensity of how they really feel •Abraham PiperMiscommunication begins with the communicator •Justin Wise has the weirdest post of the week… praying over a statue? •Tony Morgan [...]
[...] Miscommunication begins with the communicator. [...]