Apr 7, 2009
When my feelings are hurt, I expect an apology. Instead, I should probably offer one.
Unless my feelings define what’s right, I’m as likely to be in the wrong by being offended as I am by offending.
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Related:
• Apologies are important, not impressive.
• Aggressive grace
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VERY good point!
hm. I know you are right – but I am an apologizer – I apologize for EVERYTHING. I notice that when I apologize for being offended or for getting my feelings hurt, it is in a passive-aggressive way… apologizing so that the other (typically my dear husband) knows that he hurt my feelings and he can offer his apology. It always backfires on me – because my heart is wrong. In those cases, I’ve found it best to say nothing at all.
But “as likely” implies a fifty-fifty possibility. In fact, keyboard communication increases the chances of misunderstanding, or that in the interest of concision (or two-finger typing) someone will ramp up the language and then causes a conversational train wreck. (I know this from experience.)
That’s why I like Leigh’s comment above. Too much apologizing for what another party initiated could become a self-destructive pattern. It does keep the communication flowing, however while waiting for an apology does not.
Seems like apologizing to someone else is primarily when you’ve offended or hurt them. If you’re the one who is offended, repent and move on, unless you think it’s a case where you need to confront them. But don’t apologize for being offended. Make your apologies count!
This is the best post you have written to date.
agreed.
Ditto to Mike. Great post.
Hurt feelings are unreliable. I’m as likely to be hurt by someone loving me as I am when someone wrongs me.
Wow. A rebuke to me this morning. Well said, Abraham. But I also agree somewhat with orphastings…don’t get so hurt…just forgive and move on…this prevents apologizing and begining an offended cycle in the first place.
“you can only be offended if you choose to be offended.” a good friend in high school told me that often, and it has taken many years to finally understand. now, this is what i tell all my co-workers at starbucks :) customer service is the PERFECT application of such a truth …
I really appreciated how your father described the extreme form of permanently injured feelings as “emotional blackmail” – unless you make me feel how I think you should make me feel, I will accuse you of all manner of untrue things.
One of the most freeing things i’ve read in a long time.
Thanks for the reminder.
[...] Abraham Piper’s inspiration to this [...]
[...] 7, 2009 by molesky It happens to all of us. Abraham Piper offers thought-provoking and wise advice. When my feelings are hurt, I expect an apology. [...]
Yes.
I often notice (in myself and others) that apologies are frequently used simply to “make things right” as opposed to being the occasion for the person who is “wrong” (fer real!) taking responsibility for what happened.
I try to watch myself in making apologies and check out whether I’m actually taking responsibility for my wrongdoing, rather than just trying to fix things.
If I am actually taking responsibility, then the apology will often just be the tip of the iceberg as the majority of the work going on will be within me–changing my thinking and sorting things out with the Spirit helping me.
[...] 22 Words – Always good, short insights. [...]
Brilliant post. So much wisdom in 22 words.