Aug 13, 2009
After their spouse dies, why do men tend to remarry sooner than women?… Or don’t they?
Disregarding the I-hope exaggerated emphasis on animals in this graph, the husband/wife correlation seems to be about right.
I wonder why.
Subscribe to 22 Words
Recent Comments
Sponsors
Categories
- Arts in General (24)
- Bible (67)
- Blogging (158)
- Brevity (25)
- Constructive Criticism (271)
- Faith (217)
- Food & Drink (63)
- Language (226)
- Literature (112)
- Love (93)
- Miscellanea (308)
- Movies & TV (27)
- Music (171)
- parenting (158)
- Personal (191)
- Questions (258)
- Quotes (41)
- Recommendations (132)
- Sports (14)
- Technology (2)
- Uncategorized (9)
- Visual Art (36)
- Writing (57)
Archives
- September 2010 (9)
- August 2010 (88)
- July 2010 (116)
- June 2010 (79)
- May 2010 (89)
- April 2010 (62)
- March 2010 (21)
- February 2010 (25)
- January 2010 (32)
- December 2009 (47)
- November 2009 (63)
- October 2009 (45)
- September 2009 (40)
- August 2009 (40)
- July 2009 (40)
- June 2009 (37)
- May 2009 (47)
- April 2009 (51)
- March 2009 (40)
- February 2009 (31)
- January 2009 (44)
- December 2008 (47)
- November 2008 (54)
- October 2008 (50)
- September 2008 (41)
- August 2008 (45)
- July 2008 (51)
- June 2008 (51)
- May 2008 (66)
- April 2008 (74)
- March 2008 (71)
- February 2008 (19)
Reader Recommendations
Some of the books and music that you, the readers, have recommended here over time:
Twitter Recommendations
Theme based on Derek Punsalan's Grid Focus.
You are a man. You are married. You should already know. ‘Nuff said.
But I’m not a married woman, so I’m missing out on half the reason it is how it is.
But I definitely see what you’re getting at…
Because it’s not good for man to be alone, that’s why.
That’s a really interesting image. I hadn’t really thought about it before. Grief aside, maybe women are a bit more picky the second time around? I don’t know.
Being a huge Michael Jordan fan, the “Sports Hero” one is way off for me.
I’m not married so I can’t answer, but I’m looking forward to hearing people’s responses.
Jane Austen’s Anne Elliot (Persuasion) has this to say: “All the privilege I claim for my own sex … is that of loving longest, when existence or when hope is gone.”
Men run out of clean underwear and can’t figure out how to turn on the washing machine
Men don’t usually have the same support system that women have. In not all cases, but in most, the one and only person a man really talks to and confides in, is his wife.
Women tend to have more close relationships. She isn’t as isolated socially when losing a spouse.
Another sad fact is that I don’t see the Church reaching out to men as much as they do to women when they lose a spouse. My mom passed away a year and a half ago. My parents were very involved in their church. My dad still is. He is an elder, organizes the Sunday morning adult studies program and is part of the prayer ministry team. Would you care to guess how many times he has been asked to join a church family for dinner since my mom’s death? 1 time. That’s all.
I don’t think he is an isolated case. These men are lonely.
I think you’ve got it nailed with both points Amy.
Regarding a husband confiding almost exclusively with his wife, I see that with my dad and I see it in myself.
Agreed. But I’m still trying to think up some kind of smart aleck remark :-)
I agree with this and wonder if it also a supply and demand problem again.
The first time around is hard enough for a young christian woman to find a husband in churches where the woman to man ratio is at least 3 to 1.
What about the “older” woman with kids? How much more difficult is that? A younger woman is more willing to marry an older man with or without children taking him out of the dating pool but is a young man just as willing to date and marry an “older” woman with or without children?
interesting discussion!
I think Amy has hit on the major point. Women have different social systems and different social skills that allow them to manage when they are alone.
Just to note… Women are also more likely then men to forgo marriage for a demanding or celibate vocation, such as missions work. I would assume the same factors are at work.
I would say the “nesting instinct” comes into play, too. Often the woman has children, has a home, has memories, has an identity of who she is. This means more to her, often, than the need for spousal companionship.
The man’s life is empty, and to him his identity is totally changed.
Maybe I’m off on this, but it plays some sort of role. Toiling Ant’s comment comes in here as well.
Basically, her life can feel fulfilled, and now she needs to care for her children. His life feels more empty, and he needs help.
I think Amy is on to something. I think men need the companionship of their wives more (I know I would be a very lonely man without my wife). 2 examples from my own family:
I had a great-great aunt whose husband died in 1957, after 32 years of marriage. She lived another 41 years (& died at the age of 100), and seemed to be quite happy and fulfilled. I don’t think she ever thought about marrying again.
Her father (my great-great grandfather), on the other hand, lost his wife in 1946, after 50 years of marriage. He married again in 1950 (I was told he didn’t want to sleep alone). Apparently, from what I was told, he and his 2nd wife didn’t get along as well as he & his 1st wife did. Nevertheless, they were married almost 21 years, until her death. He outlived his 2nd wife by 1 year, and died just 2 months shy of age 101.
I think this is like trying to come up with an error proof formula for prime numbers.
You took the words right out my mouth Frank. It’s exactly like and error proof formula for prime numbers.
Sorry to not have an answer. I think it depends on the man though. After 17 years together, My sister passed away 5 years ago and my brother in law is still single. We actually wish he would move on and marry.
I think that some of it comes from the need for physical companionship (in men) versus emotional companionship (in women). It’s easier to “live in the memories” if your looking for emotional fulfillment than it is for physical fulfillment. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that, by the way…just the way we’re hard-wired differently.
My husband is not allowed to remarry after I die. He has terrible taste in women. :)
I wouldn’t want to get remarried b/c I don’t think any one else compares (or maybe that no one else will put up with my all crap quite as well as he does). :)
You have a great husband! It’s been a joy to work with him at DG.
I agree with Bryan (except about the DG part).
Some of it is just a matter of numbers — women live longer, so there are more widows out there.
It’s also easier for a man to pursue finding a new spouse — he can pretty much start looking whenever he’s ready.
Unless a woman is the type to ask guys out (and most Christians probably aren’t), she has to wait until a guy shows an interest in her, regardless of when she’s ready.
I was going to echo BenHoak… I think some women could be frustrated by the question of, “Why don’t you just get married again,” because in all traditional models, they need to wait to be pursued by a man.
I think it would hold up statistically, however, that women are also less in need of remarriage, probably less eager for it as well.
I think it comes down to opportunity and life circumstances (within the providence of God) for both men and women. I was widowed in my early 30s in 1992 and, in the providence of God, was just remarried 2 years ago. No one was more surprised than I was (in fact, I still am!)
It wasn’t for lack of desire to marry earlier–although my first husband and I had been happily married for not-quite 11 years–but I was busy raising my daughter (age 4 when her dad died). Plus, we homeschooled (doesn’t exactly put you in the company of eligible men!). I have an acquaintance who, to the best of my knowledge, is still single, although he lost his wife in 1990, also in his early 30s. In my experience, men who are older (think empty nesters or retirees) tend to remarry sooner (I think Stephanie’s comment above is perhaps operational here) than younger men. That said, when you are waiting for God’s provision of a mate, his timing is the ultimate determinant.
Okay…so maybe I’m morbid…but we’ve dealt with some death in our family in the past year and I’ve even thought that if I knew I was going to die …I’d tell my husband I’d want him to remarry if God brought along the right person. It makes me sad to think of him alone…the kiddos without a mom…I might even write her a note before I died. I guess…after a few brief, sporadic, episodes of single-parenting 4 kiddos…I know I would want him to have somebody on his “team”.
I am 32 and have been widowed for 8 months. I have to agree with Amy. My wife was the only one I could confide my deepest feelings to, without any fear of rejection. Now while I’m going through the hardest thing that I have ever gone through in life, I have nobody.(except Jesus) My 6 children ages 8 months to 11 years need somebody to be like a mother to them. I will be overjoyed when the Lord gives me a sweet wife again!
I’m sorry, Richard. God bless you and be with you…
I agree with Amy to an extent – there is generally a difference in the support systems that men and women have, but women can be lonely too. I think Ben has hit on something as well – men can do the pursuing. Maybe it is not that the women do not want to be married again, but that they don’t pursue another spouse. I am in my 30s and single but it is not because I don’t want to be married.
Adam needed a helper. Eve just needed a babysitter.
I have wondered about this. If I ever broach the what-if of my death with my husband, he looks like he was punched in the gut and says something like “Oh Jen, lets not talk about something that might never happen”. Me-I have an entire plan if something should happen to him. Maybe b/c if I die, he just has to find childcare, but if he dies, I have to completely rearrange my life as a stay-at-home mom. That could take years. We have lots of life insurance, thankfully.
My mom was widowed at age 50 which is actually quite young within her circle of friends. For the past 16 years she has invested heavily in her church, missions work, friends and our family. My personal opinion from watching her start a ministry to help other widows is that women need deep relationships but can form those with friends and family members (children & grandchildren being the biggest). It’s not that she doesn’t want that special someone always by her side. She is very lonely, but she also finds joy in using this season of her life to serve others. She continues to discover God’s purpose in taking my dad home so early in life. And I can honestly say that she would be doing this whether she was widowed or not. But I think if the roles had been reversed, my dad would have remarried sooner. Maybe men don’t find as much satisfaction outside of the husband/wife relationship.
I think a lot of the above comments have a lot to be said for them, and I bet those are factors in many cases. To expand on one, though: the pursuit thing. Yeah, in a model where men tend to do the pursuing, if a man sees a widow he’s interested in knowing better, he might be pretty hesitant to let her know in an effort to be sensitive. He just isn’t sure she’s ready and he doesn’t want to be a jerk. But if HE’s the one who lost his spouse, he knows he’s ready and he can go ahead.
So the stats really do support that men remarry earlier? Is there a big gap, even?
I’d be interested to find out if a never married man would be less likely to choose to date/marry a widow than a never married woman would choose to date/marry a widower.
And how often do men and women who have both lost spouses end up marrying each other?
Not sure if there are stats on that. Just curious.
[...] 15, 2009 at 6:04 am · Filed under Marriage After their spouse dies, why do men tend to remarry sooner than women?… (via 22 [...]
MMMM!! That is a good question! My mama passed away in August of ’92, and they had been married 40 years of great wonderful marrige.
Then my daddy married again within 2 years later, and that was a very bad marriage until he passed away in Apirl ’98. His second wife wasn’t faithful to him and wasn’t with him during heart surgery or implant in June of ’95. Nor wasn’t with him when he had a stroke.
I was living with my Dad when he remarried and got kick out by his second wife. I had to move in when she left him, and no one to take care of Daddy. Then I had to move back home to take care of him when he came home from heart attack and implant surgery. Then she kick me out again when she move back in a year later ’96. Then she moved out early ’97 again. He was living on his own and remain faithful to her since he didn’t believe in divorce. Then Nov ’97, Daddy gotten sick from flu shot, and then I moved back home and kept my old place and was looking after him and found him with the stroke. Then he went home to be with the Lord.
Being married second time can be a blessing or a curse.
Man like to be married and woman can live without that.
Hungry to eat His Word,
‘Guerite ~ BoldLion (single for Christ)
I think guys have a bigger sense of loneliness. Honestly.
I am a kid-less newlywed, but it would seem to me that widows (women) with children, probably have a much harder time dating because of the priorities and responsibilities that fall on them. Whereas, I think men don’t have that same responsibility. Life at home might be important, but not necessarily their primary role. Therefore, they feel the freedom to go out on dates much more than women.
I have seen this, especially with my parents after they divorced. My dad was much quicker to get out and date than my mom. My mom could occupy herself with the home & not feel the “ready-ness” to get out and pursue another.