Aug 25, 2009
Is it discourteous to research someone online before you go on a first date with them?
I read the opinion somewhere that it’s tacky, if not altogether ungentlemanly, to Google a girl before a date.
I disagree. You?
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Related:
- I don’t get why some think a man must initiate a relationship to prove he can lead one.
- A Valentine reminder for those in unlikely love.
- Do we give time too much credence as a method for getting to know each other?
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My wife Googled me before we ever went out, and I’m fine with it. I think it could unearth any red flags.
I think it’s different for men and women, honestly. But I’m old school. I say women googling men, perfectly acceptable. Men googling women, ungenttlemanly at best.
It depends on the person’s heart and motives, but overall I agree with you, Abraham. Wanting to know more about the lady as you pursue her seems GENTLEMAN-LIKE to me!
The internet is a public place. If you don’t want a future date to know something about you, you shouldn’t put it on the web.
Not everything that could be found out about someone on the web was posted BY that person.
That being said, I don’t have anything to hide so I really wouldn’t have cared if my husband googled me when we started dating. In fact, he probably did. :-)
I don’t really think so. It’s a matter of public record; how is it different than asking around amongst common acquaintances to get an idea of what they’re like?
Oh, this one is easy. For sure, people should google their dates. It’s fun to get the scoop on someone before going out. Fun, ‘cuz it builds up the mystery.
You’d google a company before you head out for an interview, right? It’s flattery, actually, to have a guy do his “homework” before taking you out! ;)
I didn’t know people would find it discourteous! Interesting!
Why not? People can wear to many faces these days and say they are someone they aren’t. So yeah…Google them!
Yes and no…
Yes… you might discover something helpful that could help you… what kind of food she likes, music tastes, etc… If you want to court her, knowledge like this is helpful.
No… the sentence “I saw online that you like to listen to Oasis, so I put some on my iPod for you” is more than a little creepy.
You might come off like a stalker.
I agree – with you. Facebook adds that element. My Dad is a licensed private investigator – now, that may go too far, but if things are getting more serious – it comes in handy
Reminds me of another blog post I read just the other day:
http://emailsfromcrazypeople.com/2009/08/24/dating-stalking-same-thing/
If I considered myself an upstanding single lady, I would probably have issues with a suitor googling me.
So does this mean you don’t consider yourself an “upstanding single lady?” :)
Google, Google, Google! I Google prospective new hires that I interview and likewise I think people should Google their dates.
It is funny though that it’s considered creepy to be honest about the fact that you’ve Googled them.
I’d echo the reasons given by others for why it’s OK to google a date.
For those that think it’s inappropriate: why do you feel that way? just curious.
I would just find it a bit creepy of the guy if I found out he had done that, I would wonder why he thought it necessary, what his intentions were, I would wonder if he doubts my reputation…
I am married, but I wonder what my wife would have thought about me if she had Googled me. I think it is a wise thing to get to know a prospective mate in every way possible. Research is huge!
I had a business meeting with someone recently who made some rather grandiose claims about their experience. When I returned to my office I “googled” them and discovered that not only were their claims true they had been somewhat humble.
I see nothing wrong about using the power of the “G force” in any venue.
Back in the day people would never consider someone as a potential mate unless they had been properly introduced by a trustworthy mutual friend. If there are no such references available, I don’t see why using the tools currently at hand to find out the same information.
My now-husband is the only man I’d ever considered dating without having mutual friends– I didn’t know him from Adam, and you bet I google-stalked him before I let him take me anywhere alone. :-P
i’m actually kind of with Myrddin on this one. for women it’s a bit more of a safety issue, so you’d kinda want to for that reason. but for men, the only reason i can think of is to try to get the scoop, and i really think you ought to try to get to know someone on their own terms.
It is self-protection.
I say offer the respect and dignity – and ask anything in person you would google about him/her and let them explain. God’s grace really is big enough to change people. If you feel there is any reason you can’t trust him/her, break up – then google.
I wouldn’t want to be judged completely by my past . . .
If it reaches the point of stalking, then it’s not cool. But if it’s natural, playful curiosity, then it’s probably fine. What people allow of themselves online is their responsibility. Nevertheless, it’s the responsibility of the dude (or dudette) to sift through his findings for the purpose of context and understanding.
I think that while there could be instances, I wouldn’t mind people googling me. I have nothing to hide.
“google” used to mean stare at or look at, so it might be alittle wierd to stare at someone before you date them… it could get awkward, like hey man this is wierd
Are you thinking of “ogle?” Google is a misspelling of “googol” which is 10^100.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Google#History
lesson learned, though: don’t goo-ogle
Mostly i was going for the Cheep Joke
I routinely google myself to see what might come up to potential employers, and well, anyone else really. I always google people, but definitely do not make that a point to mention. How awkward would THAT be on a first date?
I don’t think it’s rude, but do you tell them you did it or just pretend you don’t know any of the stuff you discovered? I have this problem with following the blogs of people at my church that I have not formerly met. How do I let them know, when I finally do meet them, that I know they really like guacamole, etc?
As a blogger, I think it would be cool for someone to mention it to me in person at church. Though I would encourage them to leave a comment next time they stop by!
I found someone’s blog then realized he was from choir. I introduced myself and told him I had found his blog – funny. :)
I think facebook is the same way. I will often introduce myself to someone at church before I “friend” them on facebook. I have also let people know I read their blogs when we meet, just so if I do mention knowing of their, say, love for guacamole, they won’t think I have stalked them.
I have a guy who paints motorcycles to shield me from google inquiries, so I don’t need to worry. :)
I can see both sides. As a single woman, I feel I need to be cautious especially with blind dates. Twice I Googled the guys before I met them, which confirmed basic information my matchmakers had shared with me, but I also formed preconceived notions about what I thought they’d be like. I felt a bit awkward (but didn’t show it!) when some things they said didn’t line up exactly with the picture I had painted in my head–even though they were telling the truth. I don’t want someone to think they know me based on what they could find online, as not all of it is entirely accurate. With my last date, I intentionally did not Google him, so I went in with no preconceived notions whatsoever–it was refreshing to learn about him from him!
I am very confident that Mrs. Centuri0n would kick my fat ampersand if I was googling girls for any reason. I’ll bet Molly would smoke you like a sunday ham if you tried it.
So yes: tacky.
Absolutely one must google, facebook, linkedin, twitter search one’s prospective date.
I suspect those who are upset by such queries have something to hide–such as embarrassing 8th grade photos or super sappy blog posts. Or worse.
I don’t think there’s anything wrong with it…I agree with all the folks who say if it’s out there, then it’s out there.
However, I’ve found that, not on dates, but in general acquaintance, pre-googling, or even post “first-date” has been sort of a double edged sword.
On one edge, you find out some new things to ask questions about, in terms of the initial “getting to know you” phase.
On the other edge, when there is a lot of information out there, say…a blog…or a prolific facebook account…you end up knowing more from your time with the computer monitor than from their physical presence and communication….
Sometimes I don’t like that. It’s like…I know them…but I’ve never really talked to them…
Take this and Molly’s blog, for instance. I’m connected, but when I see you guys or your sons I feel like jumping up and waving (like an old buddy), but you guys have no clue (who is that crazy woman acting like she knows us?!)
I dont think this is tacky at all. If someone has info or pictures about themself online for all the world to see and they get offended that someone actually sees it, bit of a double standard, no? Do the live in a world that doesnt have Google??? Do they not realize that potential employers can see what they post?
This strikes a chord as I have been very careful to have no personal info (self revealed) about me or my family online. I have been very cautious (and my family knows this) only to find out that a family member is posting pictures of my son online using his full name without my permission. Why dont they just post fliers around the neighborhood also? Ugh.
I don’t, personally, think this is tacky (note: I am not yet 21, and a computer programmer, so my opinion should be taken with several heaping helpings of salt).
However, I think that, especially for a guy, caution is advised. A little bit of searching seems sensible, but don’t spend too much time on it. (You ladies… be safe first, and worry about the potential for awkwardness later, k?)
And incidentally, I don’t buy the “I’ve got nothing to hide” argument. I don’t think it’s quite applicable here, and I don’t like the way it usually trends. Mostly, it’s not that there’s necessarily anything to *hide* so much as things that, as Laura said, might work better to wait until they’re discussed in person.
I would.
I used to regularly google my new design clients prior to meeting them in person.
And today I’m getting ready to google our prospective house buyer.
You can learn a lot, and I completely agree with Tim above – if you don’t want people to know it, don’t put it on the internet. Or don’t do it so someone else doesn’t put it on.
The question touched by my curiosity. I’ve been happily married for longer than there was a World Wide Web, much less a google. I think, though, that I’d advocate checking a person out BEFORE asking them out on a date, if you’re going to ask them out. One disadvantage of investigating someone online is that its really easy to form bad opinions from the snippets you get online. It’s better I think to go on a date, talk, share, ask questions, and really practice listening.
I agree with you on this, Abraham.
Just be careful not to let a “google fact” slip out in real life, unless you’ve told him/her you’ve done your google homework.
It’s probably one of the first things I would do.
No, I don’t! Nor would it be inappropriate for the girl to google the gentleman to confirm whether or he is, in fact, a gentleman.
My question would be why either the gentleman or the lady would be dating someone about whom they apparently have basic unanswered questions. Must be my generation showing again.
I don’t think so.. I mean this is the world we live in. I google my clients when they contact me.