Mar 12, 2010
What jokes or quips do you never tire of hearing or telling?
Like this post?
Why do I always find things in the last place I look for them?
That one never gets old.
What’re your favorites?
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© 2012 Abuyo. All rights reserved.
Why did the cow cross the road?
The chicken was on vacation.
knock knock
whos there?
boo
boo who?
Don’t cry it’s only a joke…
It’s six of one, half a dozen of the other.
I never get tired of saying “up your butt” whenever someone asks me where something is. mature I know:)
A man walks up to a horse and says, “Why the long face?”
two pretzels were walking down the street. one was a salted.
“It’s the least I can do. And, you know me; always doing the least.”
Knock, knock
Who’s there?
Interrupting cow.
Interrupting c-
MOOOO!
Knock, knock
Who’s there?
Interrupting Starfish.
Interrupting Sta-
(put your hand in front of the person’s face with all five fingers stretched out in the shape of a star)
Knock, knock
Who’s there?
Interrupting sloth.
Interrupting… (you very, very slowly move your finger to poke them in the arm)
Knock, knock
Who’s there?
Interrupting completely uncalled for
Interrupting compl-
(you smack the person in the face)
Your face.
YOUR MOM’S FACE!
YOUR FACE’S MOMMA’S FACE!
WWJD? (ugh)
What did the fish say when he ran into a wall?
“Dam.”
HA! I just pictured a fish doing that and saying it in a curmudgeonly voice.
Ha!!! I actually laughed out loud when I read that.
Thanks.
Chilly, like the other side of the pillow.
Hey Frosty! Anybody feeling Wendy’s? (said to me often as my nickname is Frosty)
As a friend said the other night,
“He who laughs last thinks slowest.”
That’s what she said.
Two nuns walk into a bar; the third one ducks.
Q: What did the radio say when it was dropped?
A: “Ow. That hertz.”
Two muffins in an oven.
One muffin says to the other “Man its hot in here!’
The other screams, “AHHH, a talking muffin!”
That is my favorite! Hilarious!
Two guys walk into a bar… you would think the second guy woulda ducked.
I know alot of musicians but i am not one… nor will i ever be. but i love responding to “And what do you Play?” with “the Radio”
What did the ranch say to the refrigerator door? “Close the door, I’m dressing”
WWJLOL
“thats what she said” often inappropriate but almost always funny
A drum and cymbal fell off a cliff.
…
Wait for it…
On Fridays, I like saying “I’m glad tomorrow is Friday”. I’m pretty sure I’m the only one who enjoys it, but I just can’t stop saying it.
Oh no, Zach. You’re THAT guy!
The fact that it’s not funny is half the fun to me though. Kind of like ‘your mom’ back in the day. It stopped being funny LONG before I quit saying it.
You knew Katie’s mom back in the day? She was funny back then…
Why don’t blind people skydive?
It scares the heck out of their dogs…
what did the fish say when it ran into a wall?
dam.
“I see,” said the blind man as he picked up his hammer and saw.
“I see.” said the blind man as he peed into the wind… “It’s all coming back to me now.”
“Working hard or hardly working?”
What’s the last thing to go through a bug’s mind when it hits the windshield?
Its butt.
What do a duck and a bicycle have in common?
They both have wheels… except the duck.
Thanks for the laugh, Eric.
I’m adding this one to my favorites list!
“What?”
“Wanna’ have some fun?…
Pick up a horse turd and run!”
When the phone rings:
Every time i hear that thing it’s ringing!
What’s brown and sticky?
A stick.
Almost anything with Chuck Norris (except for the ones about God).
Chuck Norris can eat just one Lay’s potato chip.
Chuck Norris counted to infinity-twice.
Superman sleeps on Chuck Norris sheets…
and the like
I agree with the Chuck Norris jokes.
Like this one:
When Chuck Norris does push ups he’s actually pushing the world down.
Chuck Norris CAN put Baby in a corner.
Chuck Norris KNOWS what Willis is talkin’ about!
Horse walks into a bar and the bartender says “Why the long face?”
Also my grandfather was a mortician. When people ask him what he did for a living he tells them he was a “boxer”.
whenever someone insists that something was “intense”, i can’t resist asking- “like the Israelites?”
Or…intense “Like a circus.”
also, the phrase “we’ll cross that bridge when we get to it” seems to come up whenever a project is underway- usually when someone spots a problem forthcoming.
I love these. In fact, my love for lame popsicle stick jokes is the basis of my username for wordpress and pretty much everything else. I heard it a lot from this family I used to babysit for all the time back in Pittsburgh.
Why do flamingos always lift one leg when they’re standing?
Cause if they lifted both, they’d fall over!
What was Beethoven’s favorite fruit?
BA-NA-NA-NAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!
What did the shy pebble say?
I wish I was a little boulder!
What’s red and green and red and green and red and green and red and green?
A frog in a blender. (ew)
The last one grosses me out if I think about it too much, but I still think it’s pretty funny.
I work in a children’s museum, and when we have a field trip we’re tour-guiding, I always say (to the little kids), “Raise your hand if you’re here.”. The chaperones laugh every time and the kids laugh if they are old enough to get it. It’s great.
I hear:
“You’re all going to die.”
And in my mind I think “…easter eggs. We’re all going to dye some easter eggs tonight.”
And it’s always funny.
To me.
At least you will have died laughing…
Person A: See you there!
Person B: Not if I see you first.
I don’t know why, but it always makes me laugh.
if you need me, i’ll call you
When I’m getting ready to say something, I’ll start with “‘kay, so…”
And my roommate always follows with “cheese.”
“That’s what she said”
yes, I know, sophomoric.
To which you can reply: “No, she doesn’t get to say anything.”
I say this to my kids and never tire of it. “It’ll stop hurting when the pain goes away!”
And when a person says on the other end of the phone, “I’m sorry for bothering you this early/late.” Answer, “That’s okay, I had to get up to get the phone anyway.”
Q: How many Surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: To get to the other side.
LOL! I shall add this one to my repertoire.
I SERIOUSLY can never get enough of these jokes. I have a plethora of these things stored up, because it’s a bonding thing between me and my Dad.
A fireman has two sons, what are their names?
*Said with a Spanish accent*
Hose-a
and
Hose-b
I SERIOUSLY can never get enough of these jokes.
Have you heard the joke about the giraffe?
Ehhh, probably not, it’s over your head.
I could go on and on… Some of these are AWESOME!!!
What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
Juan on Juan
What do you call a man with no shins?
Tony.
I resemble that remark.
I had to get my husband to explain that one to me. Thanks very much.
It took me a while…
HA!
………I still don’t get it.
to…ny. say it with me. :-)
toe, knee
My favorite all time joke that I have told literally hundreds of times and still makes me laugh even when I tell it is my version of The Pig With the Wooden Leg, which I call “Peggy, the Peg-legged Pig.
I told it enough times at work to our customers, even with the suggestion or direction of the Dealer, Sales Manager, and other salesmen, that a friend brought in a stuffed pig. Then another friend made a wooden leg on his home lathe. I sat it on my desk and if some asked why that pig had a wooden leg, I was on top of the world, because I would tell you!
1. I never get tired of exasperating my daughter as my grandfather used to exasperated me. To the daily whining request: “Daddy, I’m thirsty….” (drawn out and whiny) my reply: “I’m Friday…”
You also gotta hate (or love) all the standbys when you get a hair cut or grow out facial hair.
“You get your ears lowered?”
“You get into a fight with a lawnmower?”
“You need to stand closer to your razor.”
When someone asks if I got a haircut, I’m kind of partial to: “Actually, I got them all cut.”
A couple from the Prairie Home Companion jokes show last week:
Knock, knock
Who’s there?
Sam and Janet
Sam and Janet who?
(sing) Sam and Janet evening, you may see a stranger. . .
What do you call a lady on a drummer’s arm?
A tattoo
I love drummer jokes
That last one should be, What do you call a lady on the arm of a drummer?
Doah!
One mushroom said to another mushroom, “Hey – you’re one Fungi!”
I love the drummer jokes, too.
QUESTION: What do you call a drummer without a girlfriend?
ANS: Homeless——————
QUESTION: What do you say to a drummer on your front porch?
ANS: SO…how much for the pizza?
What do you a call a girl on the arm of a drummer?
A tatoo.
By the way, you know the best part of dating a homeless girl?
When the date is over, you can drop her off anywhere.
What do you call an arrogant criminal falling out of a tower?
Condescending.
Why was Abraham so smart?
Because he knew a Lot.
Two fish in a tank
One turns to the other one and says
“Hey, do you know how to drive this thing?”
Also I have always enjoyed when someone say’s they can’t hear me I say “Huh?” After about 3 times I start laughing. Yeah, my wife HATES that one since her parents are both Deaf. It still cracks me up.
Mine is similar:
Two fish are in a tank.
One says to the other,
“You drive, and I’ll shoot.”
I love this joke…
A woman walks into a bar holding a duck.
Bartender says, “What’s with the pig?”
Woman says, “It’s a duck.”
Bartender says, “I was talking to the duck.”
Two cows in a field. One says to the other, “I’m a little worried about this ‘mad cow’ thing.” The other one says, “Not me – I’m a helicopter!”
LOL!
What’s brown and sticky?
A stick.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Jamaica.
Jamaica who?
Jamaica your bed this morning?
I probably like this because I have 3 boys who I cannot get to make their beds in the morning!
Every night my daughter announces that she’s “going to take a shower.”
And every night I reply, “Put it back when you’re done.”
Q. What did the scarf say to the hat?
A. You go on ahead and I’ll go around.
I had a boss who would reply to “hello” with “heaven high”
cheeeeeeeeeeeeseeeeeeeeeey.
funny guy.
Favorite bar joke:
A dyslexic man walked into a bra …
Favorite pun:
Q: When is a door not a door?
A: When it’s ajar.
Funniest thing in a fortune cookie
(for real):
“You are not illiterate.”
A census taker went up to a house and knocked. When a woman came to the door, he asked her how many children she had and their ages. She said, “There’s Sally and Billy, they’re eighteen. They’re twins. And there’s Seth & Beth, they’re fourteen. They’re twins. And then there’s, Penny and Jenny, they’re ten. They’re twins. And then there’s the babies, Leo and Leah. They’re two. Theyre twins…”– “Hold on!” said the census taker, “Did you get twins every time?” The woman looked at him as if he was crazy and answered, “Heck no, there were hundreds of times we didn’t get nothin’!”
I’ve worked for the 1980, 1990, 2000, and now the 2010 Census.
After working for a few months each decade, I take leave of my Census.
(I don’t get to use that joke NEARLY enough. For me. Probably too much for everyone else.)
Q: What do you call a midget, psychic, prison escapee?
A: A small medium at-large.
http://www.TheJesusLetter.com
A letter — from Jesus
Following the death of Quasimodo, the Bishop of the Cathedral Church of Notre Dame sent word throughout the streets of Paris that a new bellringer would need to be appointed. The Bishop decided that he would himself conduct the interviews, and went up into the belfry to interview the candidates. After observing several applicants demonstrate their skills, he decided to call it a day, when an armless man approached him announcing that he was there to apply for the post. The Bishop declared,
” My Son, you have no arms!”
” No matter” replied the man. “I play the bells with my face”.
He then proceeded to strike the bells with his face, producing the most beautiful melody on the carillon. The Bishop was astonished, believing he had indeed found a suitable replacement for Quasimodo. But in rushing forward to strike a bell, the armless man tripped, and plunged headlong out of the belfry to his death in the street below. The Bishop, stunned rushed to his side. When he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beauty of the music they had heard a moment before. As they parted in silence to allow the Bishop through, one in the crowd asked
” Bishop, who was this man?”
” I don’t know his name” replied the Bishop sadly,
” But his face sure rings a bell.”
SO THE NEXT DAY…
…despite the sadness that weighed heavily on his heart, the Bishop continued his interviews for a bell ringer. The first man to approach addressed him, “Your Grace, I am the twin brother of the poor armless man who fell to his death from this belfry yesterday. I pray that you will allow me to play a dirge to honour my dear brother.” The Bishop agreed but asked “You don’t play with your face, do you?” “No, no, replied the man. I play in the traditional way”. With this he proceeded to play a deeply moving dirge, but as he finished he groaned, clutched at his chest, collapsed, and died on the spot. Two monks, hearing the cries of grief from the Bishop at the tragedy, rushed up the stairs……
“What has happened? Who is this man? ” they cried.
” I don’t know his name” exclaimed the distraught Bishop, “but he’s a dead ringer for his brother.”
At the end of the day…it’s night.
A mule walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Hey, buddy, why the long face?”
“Because my dad is a jackass.”
I’ve got a face for radio.
What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs hanging on the wall?
Art
What do you call a guy with no arms and no in the pool?
Bob
What do you call a lady with one leg?
Ilene.
I know it’s not a quip, but every single time I watch this, I crack up. It never gets old. So funny and true. ( the part on food choices is the part Im talking about) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4t0mtMmYa4o
The latest Polish inventions
(sorry to my Polish friends and relatives)
Solar powered flash light
Ejection seat on a helicopter
Screen door on a submarine
What’s green and goes ding-a-ling?
A green dingaling.
What’s red and goes ding-a-ling?
A red dingaling?
Nope, dingalings only come in green.
One more,
“Hey, how did you find that exam?”
“It was on the desk waiting for me when I went in.”
My friend used that one a good ten times during our finals.
What’s the difference between a banjo and a trampoline?
You take off your shoes to jump on the trampoline.
Raise your hand if you’re not here.
What did the air conditioner say to the fan?
You blow me away!
Q. What did one elevator say to the other elevator?
A. I think I’m coming down with something.
How do you catch a unique rabbit?
Unique up on it.
How do you catch a tame rabbit?
Tame way. Unique up on it.
What do you wear?
Unique-ers (your sneakers)
I have one about the roof but its over your head.
I would tell you the one about the bed but it isn’t made yet.
“You don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here”
Remember where ever you go there you are.
Shall I tell you the one about the skunk?
Never mind, it stinks!
that’s not as funny…
…as YOUR FACE.
Well…
That’s a deep subject.
What’s Bruce Lee’s favorite drink?
Wataaaaa!
What’s Bruce Lee’s favorite burger?
Whoppaaa!
What’s Bruce Lee’s favorite hotel?
Hyaaaaat!
What do you call a pig with no “i”?
Pg (try pronouncing it without the “i.”)
What do you call a fish with no “i”?
Fsh (try pronouncing it, again, w/o the “i.”)
What do you call a deer with no “i”?
No “i” deer (no idear).
After years, I still can’t help but say “no idear” now whenever someone asks me a question for which I have no idea what the response is. Hee, hee.
All-time fav:
Just because no one understands you doesn’t make you an artist.
Why does a chicken coop only have two doors?
Because if it had four doors, it would be a chicken sedan!
A candidate for church membership was asked, “What part of the Bible do you like best?” He said: “I like the New Testament best. Then he was asked, “What Book in the New Testament is your favorite?” He answered, the Book of the Parables, Sir.” They then asked him to relate one of the parables to the membership committee. And a bit uncertain, he began…
“Once upon a time a man went down from Jerusalem to Jericho, and fell among thieves; and the thorns grew up and choked the man. And he went on and met the Queen of Sheba, and she gave that man, Sir, a thousand talents of silver, and a hundred changes of raiment. And he got in his chariot and drove furiously, and as he was driving along under a big tree, his hair got caught in a limb and left him hanging here! And he hung there many days and many nights. The ravens brought him food to eat and water to drink. And one night while he was hanging there asleep, his wife Delilah came along and cut off his hair, and he fell on stoney ground. And it begin to rain, and rained forty days and forty nights. And he hid himself in a cave. Later he went on and met a man who said, “Come in and take supper with me.” But he said, “I can’t come in, for I have married a wife.” And the man went out into the highways and hedges and compelled him to come in! He then came to Jerusalem, and saw Queen Jezebel sitting high and lifted up in a window of the wall. When she saw him she laughed, and he said, “Throw her down out of there,” and they threw her down. And he said “Throw her down again,” and they threw her down seventy-times-seven. And the fragments which they picked up filled twelve baskets full! NOW, whose wife will she be in the day of the Judgment?” The membership committee agreed that this was indeed a knowledgeable candidate!
From the movie, “Face-Off”–
The husband says to his wife as she’s leaving for work, “I hate to see you go, but I love to watch you leave.”
There’s nothing like a good joke… and that was nothing like a good joke.
A rabbi, nun, lawyer, mime, and horse all walk into a bar. The bartender says, “What is this, some kind of joke?”
When’s the best time to eat reindeer meat?
When you’re hungry.
What was the capital of Prussia?
Pmoscow.
http://www.rinkworks.com/jokes
Q: Why do ducks have flat feet?
A: To stamp out forest fires.
Q: Why do elephants have flat feet?
A: To stamp out flaming ducks.
Q: How do you get a giraffe in the refrigerator?
A: Open the door, put the giraffe in, close the door.
Q: How do you get an elephant in the refrigerator?
A: Open the door, take out the giraffe, put the elephant in, close the door.
Q: How do Chinese people name their children?
A: They throw their silverware down the stairs and listen to the sound it makes (ting, ching, ping)
Q: Why do Chinese use chopsticks?
A: I just told you, they threw all their silverware down the stairs