Mar 16, 2012
A dad’s illustrations of what he says to his kids
From Nathan Ripperger’s series “Things I’ve Said to My Children“…
(via Archie McPhee)
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© 2013 Abuyo. All rights reserved. Privacy Policy
Mar 16, 2012
From Nathan Ripperger’s series “Things I’ve Said to My Children“…
(via Archie McPhee)
* * * * *
Awesome.
To my kids when they tried to pick a friends nose: “you can pick your nose and you can pick your friends, but you cannot pick your friends nose!
i thought it was,
“you can pick your friends, and you can pick your nose, but you can’t wipe your friends on the back of the couch.”
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This is why I look forward to being a parent one day. I was a weird kid, I only hope to be outmatched by my offspring
I never thought I’d say this but my kid already outmatched me in weirdness too. LOL! She thinks it’s funny to smell my feet and armpits and laughs when I scold her to stop….. I only hope I’m not the only parent that’s had to say that to a kid. “STOP SMELLING MY FEET AND ARMPITS, IT’S JUST WEIRD!”
Daughter bites my toes, thinks it’s hilarious.
My 6 yr old son likes to smell lots of things. Just about everything… sometimes it’s kinda funny.
Mine too. and lick things.
My sister does this all the time… Her mom thinks it’s funny -___-
My personal favorite, which I never dreamed I would hear myself saying:
“Stop blowing bubbles in the toilet!!”
By far my favorite comment. When I read this, my jaw dropped because It’s unfortunate that I too have been there with my son…. :D
Hilarious! I seriously can’t stop laughing!!!
When I noticed the rainbow shaped smear on my sliding glass door it took me another two days to discover it was caused by my son licking the door and rocking from the left to right and back again.
“Honey we don’t lick windows, it’s gross and we’ll just have to wash it sooner.”
I’d rather my kid lick my windows than drink the dog water or mop the floor with it!
My son licked the monitor of the computer thing at the bowling alley. He was throwing up all the next day. Yet, he still licks random stuff…
I just caught myself saying (yelling):
“No, that’s NOT a shark! That’s a baby chick and PUT IT DOWN!”
My first ‘never thought I’d say that’ was, “Let’s leave the dinosaur in the bathroom.”
I love this! And the comments are just as hilarious!
Mine was, “We do not fire the crossbow in the car!” (It’s amazing what an engineering dad with a bored kid and a box of K’Nex can come up with. I’m still finding those K’Nex darts we made ten years later: behind bookcases, under carpets…)
“We do NOT poop in books!”
This made me laugh so hard, to my toddler: “Don’t ever put the dogs in the dryer again”
“YOU CAN’T GO AROUND STICKING CRAYONS IN OTHER PEOPLE’S EARS, SON!”
or
“Stop riding the Christmas tree like a horse, please?”
My two favorites. Oh, Aspies…..
I had to tell my son “you don’t go outside to poop …you go in the toilet!”
My son did that!!! Is it something about boys???
I think so. Both my nephews have done that…and my husband and his sister pooped in their dad’s office once. Lol.
Oh man. I wish I could say I had a son to tell that to. But, unfortunately, mine is a girl. And we had that conversation several times over the summer.
“Sweetie, dogs and animals poop outside. We poo in the toilet.”
My daughter too
no my 3 year old daughter ask me all the time, “can i potty outside?” then one day when i said no because there is not potty outside, her reply was, “but the dogs potty out side, wheres their potty?”
When my daughter was 2 she would be outside playing & just randomly lift her leg & pee! Its hard to tell them its not ok when they use the excuse “the dog does it” & your laughing so hard you can’t breathe!
“The neighbors prefer if you wear clothes when you go outside.”
And there is the whole other category of the things you say because of what your kids have done to your brain:
“Put the milk in the washer.”
which became
“put the milk in that… that… that… big white box that is cold.”
Once I was thinking of telling my son to “wipe the table” but what came out of my mouth was “lick the door.”
And this week I found myself telling them that close only counts in handshoes and horse grenades.
Handshoes and horse grenades! That’s great!
I believe I told my daughter to get in the washer the other day. I quickly corrected myself with, “No! Don’t get in the washer! Get in the bathtub. Never get in the washer.”
I had to tell my son, “Get out of the dryer!”
This comment is just hilarious
“Handshoes and horse grenades” – love it. I think I’ll start using that. It’s just too good not to.
I said hand shoes and horse grenades the other day…but I was drunk lol
My most two absurd were: “Please stop licking the planets.” and “Don’t yell out the window at the leprechaun.”
Haha!! This one made tears come down my cheeks!
OMG! LMAO! Peed a little!
“Son, stop peeing on your brother!”
Lol I’ve had to say this to my sons!! The crazy things they do get us tongue tied!
Mine are “Please stop licking the dog”, “We don’t pee on the ceiling, EVER” ( my 3 year old son is quite the marksman or should I say sniper?>)
And one that daddy taught both boys is the nakid boy dance, and yes you have to say NAKID! This is where they get out of the tub, run screaming down the hall and dance in the living room which mainly consists of them shaking the family jewels. Usually at this point the dog runs in and tries to lick the water off the boys and they start screaming again.
“Don’t suck on the dog’s foot, I don’t care if it smells like tacos”
“Don’t feed your boogers to the dog!”
My dog smells like chips, but I never try to lick his foot.
!!!!!!!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA
I love the logic of children…..
“Hmmm, smells like tacos. perhaps I should try…”
And God bless the dog!
I literally lol’d at these!!!
OMG! I was cracking up at this one! Thank you Leanne!
I had to tell my 3 year old, ‘Don’t ride your sister!”(8 months old and just learned to stand up). Her older sister had straddled her when she stood up and started bouncing.
And “Stop picking your nose and eating it!” To which she just laughed and did the other nostril. “Fine,” I said “then no more popsicles because they’ll just taste like boogers!”
Mine…”Don’t pee in the tub! (There was no water in the tub, and my son was fully clothed!)
Stop peeing on your brother!!, this is what I told to my daughter…when she learned to pee stand up!
“Take the legos out of your underwear”
mine was “we don’t flush shampoo bottles down the toilet”
“Son, don’t put your finger in that end of the dog.”
I laughed so hard I choked on my spit. That is hilarious!
I’ve had to use that one, too. C=
These have been amusing, but this is the first comment to make me honestly laugh outloud!
Um… Your comment makes it seem like there’s an end of a dog that is acceptable for a child to stick his fingers in. o_0
Master 8 to his younger sister 5,
“No you can’t have it back Jas , you gave it to me and besides I’ve already rubbed it on my doodle!” lol
“Get that mud puppet outside RIGHT NOW!”
This is so funny! Brought tears to my eyes from laughing!!
Free advise from the circus that is my life:
“Get your naked butt off my table!”
“Plastic bags are NOT parachutes – do not jump off that dresser!”
“For the TENTH time do not lap water out of the dogs bowl! You have a cup 5 feet behind you”
“The dog does not belong in the cupboard!”
“Automatic doors are not free carnival rides”
“Do not put the leash on your sister and drag her like a dog”
“You do realize you’re naked on my front lawn? HOA does not approve and neither do I – get some clothes on. . . At least some underwear.”
Hahaha!!! I love it!!! And I do believe HOA would be a bit upset!! HAhaha!!! Oh, the things we say to our kids!!
I tried the plastic bag parachute when i was younger, yeah bad idea lol
One I have had to repeat, sadly, is, “No double barrel nose picking allowed!” Two hands, two nostrils…happy child apparently!
“sit down, be quiet and watch the TV!”
i never thought i was going to let them watch TV never mind have to beg them to watch it!
A few weeks ago we moved out to the country. I walked outside one day to see my son with his pants around his knees peeing in a box. I yelled at him and he said”But no one is around to see me! And I’m gonna use this box later!” oh my. I am still mortified……
I have brought out several from my childhood:
1. the door we are not air conditioning the whole neighborhood
2. in response to a tantrum containing the words “I want it” I have said “well darling people in jail want out”
But my favorite was the other night when my 3 year old points at a half moon and says “Mommy its a small moon!” and before I could stop myself I said “that’s no moon! That’s a space station!”
My husband constantly says, ‘people in hell want ice water’ lol
“Stop wearing my bra as a hat!”
Sadly, I too have said this more than once
Sadly, I’ve had to say this to my husband numerous times…
My husband calls it his ‘thinking cap’.
Mine calls it his “bra – makah” (like yarmulke).
My mom made my sister and I wear her bras as hats when we were too afraid to go upstairs by ourselves. She told us it would make us brave.
BAHAHAHA!
your mom is awesome lmao
Omg that is freaking hilarious!!!
Hahaha, my daughter seems to think my bras are necklaces!
Sadly I’ve had to say that to my friends who are in their twenties, plus my fiancé.
I told my
I told my son to put his dirty shirt in the refrigerator and his cup in the washer just The other day. He had to repeat it back to me before I knew I misspoke. He just looked at me funny and laughed lol
These are hysterical
I’ve used:
“The lamp is NOT a stripper pole!”
“Honey don’t lick the dog” to which he responded, “but bruiser (the dog) licks me!”
“Keep your fingers out of bruiser’s backside, actually don’t put your fingers in anyone’s backside”
“When I said keep your hands to yourself I meant butts and heads too”
“The dog is not a jungle gym”
“Get out of the refrigerator” (I was told this one when my mom wanted me to close the fridge and stop looking in it, I used it when thing 1 put thing 2 into the refrigerator and closed the door. He told me there was a surprise in the fridge so I’d open it)
“Stop choking your sister with that rosary, at least not in church”
Oh I could go on and on
“Stop choking your sister with that rosary, at least not in church” HAHAHAHAHAHAHA best one I’ve seen so far!
Hmmm, a lot like when I told my son, ” Don’t stab your brother in the ear with a sword at the dinner table!”…like it was okay to do it elsewhere ?
*snort* But Mom…the beads! The string! It’s so perfect for choking! Ill make her a martyr!
This is too funny. And I love the “in church” caveat; of course not in CHURCH. That would be UNGODLY.
how about
“NOOOOO – That is NOT a telescope!!!”
had a friend who had to say
“Nooooo! That is not a whistle!!!”
“we do not play with other people’s poop…yes I know that’s your friend”
“Take the toilet paper OFF THE ROLL before you wipe with it!”
right! I find boogers, toothpaste, and kid poo(the few times he actually wipes) on my toilet paper!SooooooO GROOOOOSSSSSSS.
Grandmother of 3 boys…my daughter’s never thought I’d say that statement came during bathtime with the boys at 1,2 and 5 years of age…..”Don’t pull your brother’s penis” ! With 3 that close together , I’m sure there will be many more to come.
Don’t hammer your food. – It made sense at the time.
“No, I’m NOT going to kiss your butt!”
“Honey, we don’t lick public bathroom seats.”
“Honey, you NEVER slept in the bathtub!”
“Sweety? Can you get Mama’s phone out of the freezer?”
(Talking on the cell phone) “Mama has to let you go – I’m late for work and I cannot find my phone!”
“For the last time! You CANNOT EAT KITTY LITTER!”
And my all time favorite, “Don’t do that! An accident is one thing, but the tub is not a toilet!”
To my four year old, I have said quite a few times:
” We do NOT fart on people, it is not nice!”
” People pee in the potty! Not in the yard!”
Funny – I taught my son to pee in the yard… should I not have done that?
Lol I think it’s a man’s instinct to pee whereever, whether you teach him or not. It’s not your fault that your sex has better and more convenient equipment than us women! Hahahah
Sadly, in some municipalities, urinating in public is considered indecent exposure, and if convicted, leads to a sex offenders charge for their lifetime. Especially in college towns. So please warn your sons when they get older.
I think it’s okay, as long as he knows only in his own backyard. And not anywhere else, including church. (I was not his mother that day).
I still tell my 5 year old that it is NOT okay to fart on people. But it never gets through his thick skull.
“Sweetie, you are sticking those potato head parts in the WRONG little brown body” (She was waiting to get into the tub & got bored I guess).
“Get your feet out of the Peanutbutter!!!”
When I realized it was time to let my kids (boy and girl) take separate baths:
Boy: “Mom, how do girls pee if they don’t have a penis”
Me: “They have a hole that you can’t see where the pee comes out”
Silence
Girl: “Moooom! {Boy’s} trying to see my hole!”
Me: “Stop trying to see her hole and get out of the tub!”
“You don’t need to be barking too!”
“Get your fingers out of your butt crack! (and unfortunately I have to day it often)
“We DO NOT hit our friends with musical instruments!!!” (as she was about to bean her friend with a kid-sized keyboard!)
“We pee in the toilet, not in the front yard.”
“Dirty bare feet do not belong in our macaroni and cheese.”
My personal favorite was having to referee an argument between my 2 and 4 year old about who stole whose invisible horse. “Give your brother back his invisible horse and do not steal it again. If you want a second invisible horse, imagine one.” Yay long car rides!!!
Oh that’s soo good. The invisible horse thing is just hilarious!!
Yes, we change our underwear EVERY day, even if we don’t think we got it dirty.
Over 30 years ago, Me to my 2 1/2 year old in Pennys, in line with 3 older people: Quietly: take your hands out of your pants. Reply: VERY loudly…But my penis is crooked. Shocked stares.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Aaaannnnd we have a winner!
Best one of them all.
hahaha omg awesome
Best one i have read so far!!!!!!!!!
The litter in the litter box is not dirt for your dump trucks to carry.
Why are you naked? (At least three times a day)
Get out of the dog’s water bowl.
Don’t lick your brother.
The toilet is not where our toys go.
Get that cat food out of your mouth!
I on the other hand being a kid well kinda … yelled into the livingroom from the bathroom at my mom (while having a date) COME WIPE MY BUTT
Twin oddlers sometimes say it to each other… Their older brother’s athletic cup was on the foot of the bed as I was folding laundry. Twin 1 picked it up and put it to his ear and said he heard the ocean. The other grabbed it and put it on his mouth/ face and started breathing heavily like an oxygen mask!
Is it just me or are these comments all about boys? Are girls really better? lol
Also, is it just me or do like 80% of these parents start each sentence with “sweetie” or “honey” etc.? Methinks in real life it’s much different :)
Things I’ve said to my daughter:
“The heater vent is not a toilet, you should NEVER pee in it!”
“Baby, you can’t pet a fish, and you certainly can’t take it out of the water.”
“Mommy’s shower gel is not finger paint.”
“We don’t poop in buckets outside, we poop in toilets!”
(In church) “Punkin’, no one wants to see your new princess underwear.”
Girls aren’t always less gross!
Nope – girls aren’t much better – said to my daughter:
“Noooo! We don’t eat things out of the garbage.” and “I don’t care if Dad told (brother) he could, girls do not pee in the rocks!” She then proceeded to demonstrated that she can pee (standing up) in the rocks just as well as her brother.
“We do not wipe our nose on the wall.”
I too have had to tell my children not to wipe their noses on the wall, as well as the couch, and me.
“stop licking the fridge” and “wow what an enormous load of poopy, that is amazing, great job!”
There are so many, I mean there could be many books, its always fun to read what other peoples experiences.
“Please do not make parachutes from mommy’s underwear.”
“Sorry, you must wear pants. It’s not just good manners, it’s the law.”
Well I don’t have kids, thankfully, but I do have a dog that I find myself yelling crazy crap to….such as “Stop licking the entertainment center” and “No licking your crotch when you’re sitting in my lap”! Silly dog. It’s like having a kid sometimes, I swear.
Not really.
I used to be a nanny, and I actually created a twitter account where I posted all of the random stuff I found myself saying. Now I just post the random stuff my husband says to me… and my responses. One of my favorites from the little one was “How you catch butterfly? Smash?” – “No, we don’t smash.” – “Gentle smash?” And a favorite from my husband, regarding our guinea pig, “Eevee is like a furry sea cucumber.”
What is your twitter name? I would love to follow and read your posts.
” No, you can’t have chocolate cake for breakfast, now come over here and eat your pumpkin pie.”
Or most recently on our trip to Disneyworld ” What, stop licking the trash can. What are you doing ?”
My mom let eat chocolate cake for breakfast, but only if we drank a full glass of milk with it.
Lol! Mine too! I still don’t understand how this is not normal! O.o
“You can’t eat the dishwasher!”
“Please don’t pick Daddy’s scabs!”
“You can’t put your shoe in your nose!”
Kids are fun! :)
My response to the last one would be oh ya watch me :)
If you need to see if that was more than a fart, go in the bathroom to check, and PLEASE GO WASH YOUR HANDS!
No, we can’t sell the cats and get a dog.
Why won’t you eat corn when I serve it, but you will eat it when you find it in the couch cushion months later???
My son said…”Let’s get rid of dad so we can get a cat! (Dad is allergic)”
My mom hares seafood but I love it. And I sudgested it for dinner one night and of course mom said ew so I sudgest that mom stay home to eat with the dog while we get seafood
My favorite is “Babies are for holding and loving and for growing up- NOT for chewing on.”
My 2 year old has a new fascination with putting his socks on his hands and this was our conversation today..
him (couldn’t open to door to get out of the bathroom): “Mommy, let me out”
me (changing a diaper): “I can’t right now. Take the socks off your hands to open the door!”
him: “I don’t want to”
me: “Well then your stuck!”
Oh, another one I’ve been finding myself say alot lately is “Please stop kissing mommy like that. Only daddy can do that!” Which is in response to my son trying to make out with me. Apparently it’s pretty hilarious.
hahaha! that is hilarious!
I have said “Don’t hammer your light switch! it will break more than six times, believe me! Don’t try it!!!” and
“Don’t Chase your sister with daddy’s metal stool while she is babysitting you!”
My youngest brother is 14 years younger then me, and I don’t know how many times I had to tell him “no you can’t kiss sissy like that” to which he responded “well mommy and daddy do it so why not”
Most recently-Take the gum out of your belly button
“Put some underwear on and then you can smell my armpit”
My favorite so far XD
Come here and let me smell you.
I am so sad to say, I have said this MANY times! (I have three boys…)
NO! We DON’T put Pop-Tarts in the electrical outlets!
This was something I heard my 5 year old daughter say to my 3 year old son, “get your toes out of my heiny!”
I remember telling my son and his friend when they were little that ” tampons are not dynamite.” Lol
Also “the dog is not a towel, I don’t care how soft and fluffy she is”
To my 4-year old son: “No, that part of you is not called your front-butt.”
Lol…My husband laughs at me because I call it that sometimes… :P
We don’t paint our bodies with Vaseline to make sliding on the couch easier!
We don’t paint our own toenails! (with mommy’s red polish on the white carpet!)
That’s mommy’s lipstick, please don’t put it on the baby again!
No, the hamster cannot go swimming in the toilet! (Poor thing, glad they didn’t flush!)
Why would you paint the table and chairs with peanut butter?
Bubble bath is for bath time, not to wash your trains and train table.
Oh, I could go on…,,
“Don’t lick the cat’s hiney!
“Stop peeing on your brother!”
“No, mommy doesn’t want to eat your boogers”
“Don’t put the cat food in your nose”
“We don’t splash water out of the toilet”
“Please stop licking the wall”
“No, the cat is not a pony”
With 5 kids, I could go on for days.
I have a list “things I never imagined I would say…And I have said them all to my three boys (much to my horror)!
Here are a few of them…
Don’t claw your brother with your dinner (we were having crab)
Don’t shoot your brother when you are standing so close to him!
Don’t eat your bird ! (That would be the family pet)
If you do your homework I will buy you a zombie brain
Don’t call your brother a devil spawn!
Don’t eat your brother or you’ll choke to death!
We don’t perform CPR on a slug!
“mommy help me get my boogers out”
“please take my underwear off your head”
“don’t choke your sister”
“we don’t tell people we farted”
and I told my son “lock the dog and put the door outside”
My husband and I do not have any children yet, but by some strange twist of fate we ate both about 15 years older than our youngest sibling. Things we’ve found ourselves saying to them…
(my twin sisters who where 5) “BB! This is why you don’t put dinosaur tails in you sissy’s ear!” (busted sisters ear drum)
“why are you girls naked and covered in poop?” “BA popped her her pants and I was cleaning her up” (boyfriends first time at the house, it was TOO quiet in their room an they were naked, covered in poop and standing in front of the mirror…)
(his youngest brother at 6 regarding me) “No A, her name is NOT girlfriend. Yes she is allowed in the swimming pool”
That’s funny, my sister and I are the youngest by 15 years and also twins. She is expecting her first :)
‘Dont drive your monster truck on the rabbit’
‘I told you not to put the cat in the toilet’
‘Boys, you absolutely cannot compare your icy pole to Jesus’
These were all within the last week! The joys of having 3 young boys!
Don’t lick the cats button!
We do not feed dinosaurs our oatmeal. I understand hes an omnivour, still no oatmeal. (2 year old son)
don’t throw bugs at your sister!
Don’t chop worms, do you want kore staples in your head?
Do not lasso my ceiling fan! It is not a swing! (The poor thing never worked again, the fan that is)
“Don’t bite the lampshad
“Don’t bite the lampshade.” Yes, i had to say it.
have had to tell all 3 kids not to eat the driveway
also, to one of them “don’t eat anthills” to which he told me that he liked the way they were “tickly” when they went down to his tummy
“Son, please don’t put the Virgin Mary in your chili”
well, I have a good one, but its more of a ‘conversation’… lol
me: “look at me when I am talking to you” (speaking to my 4 year old granddaughter after she threw her dinner in the dogs bowl)
granddaughter: “I am not looking at you anymore, I took my eyes out!” (gives me a mad-face with her eyes closed)
me: “well, put them back in your head cause I am not through with you!”
The entire dinner table had difficulty keeping a straight face!
“Teddy is not a hat”
“Stop putting bananas between your toes.”
I have no kids but I remember one time babysitting my brother telling him this, yes it is a mini conversation
Me: We do NOT stick trains in the kitty litter
Brother: But you cleaned it!
Me: I do not care that I just cleaned it, it is the cat’s toilet!
Brother: If it is a toilet does that mean I can use it to?
Me: No, are you a cat? Because this is a cat only toilet!
Brother: Yup, MEOW MEOW PURRR!
Me: You do not have four paws, whiskers, or a tail.
Brother: Awwwww….
Me: Yes, to bad, so sad, help me take out the bag.
*Get out of the dishwasher.
*Stop licking the glass.
*Spit that dog food out of your mouth.
*Get your hand out of your butt crack.
*Don’t bite the dog!
*Quit de-stuffing the papasan chair.
*Get out of the dog’s bed.
*One from my childhood was my mom yelping and scolding me because I had pinched her butt in public.
*My husband’s poor mother had to ask him several times how he’d gotten stuck in the fence, or under the porch, or in the ottoman, or in a lawn chair.
I still pinch my mums butt in public and im 32 yrs old, lol.
Years ago had a conversation with my three year old son while he was in the bath:
Me: stop pinching that
Him: but I want the marbles out to play with
Me: those marbles don’t come out…ever
Few minutes later…
Me: stop pinching that
Him: I’m not trying to take the marbles out, just playing with them where they are.
Me: (sigh)
Favorite so far.
When my son hurt himself and asked me to kiss it: “honey, I know you hurt your penis, but Mama’s not going to kiss it. That is one place where I don’t kiss it all better.”
I once heard my husband in the bathroom with our 4 year old say, “If I wipe YOUR bum than you have to wipe MINE and that’s just gross.” One of my favorites.
My 2 yr old daughter likes to lick things..anything. We are sitting in the car and she’s making funny noises in the backseat. I ask what she’s doing she replies getting hair out of her mouth. I ask how she got hair IN her mouth. She says, “I licked granny’s cat” She licks the bottoms of her shoes, my shoes and anyone else’s shoes she can find. Another favorite flavor for her are the shopping cart handles at Wal-Mart. I can say she has an immune system equivalent of Fort Knox. Nothings getting through, she’s never sick.
“AH! Please, hunny, DO NOT snort on my butt!!” ..
More hushed “AH! Please, do not snort my butt in public!”
“You want that?? Well, I want world peace. Do I get world peace? No. Do you get that, no.”
3 year old: “Mama, I made 5 poops in the toilet! Come see!” I go see to flush and help him wash his hands very well. “Yes, there are 5 little poops (as 3 year old counts the number of poops in the toilet again for me). Good counting.”
“Sweety, you shouldn’t tell daddy he stinks every time he goes to the bathroom.”
“Stop peeing on the spot where the raccoon poop was!”
“Wow, *me marveling at a poop as big as his leg* how do you fit all that poop in you?”
“Stop touching your butt before you poop in the tub again!”
“Yes, the new baby is going to pop out of my belly and then poop a lot and drink milk from my breasts, but we don’t actually have to tell everyone we see today about it this time.. They don’t really want to know about that. Feel free to tell me as much as you like, though.”
For some odd reason most of them seem to involve bodily functions. :)
“Get your bare butt off the dog, he doesn’t like it.”
Same.
We do not paint the dog with guacamole.
We do not pee in the heat registers.
We do not warm up grilled cheese in the VCR.
Haha. These are great!
My favorite to my daughter: “Marisa, you can’t take fried chicken on the bus”. Favorite my son said to me: “Mom, I’m going to help Brian look for his glass eye.”
“Your brother’s name is not Evil.”
“If the grape has been down your pants, you may not eat it.”
“it’s not a booger if it didn’t come out of your nose.”
“Look where you’re peeing”
My favorite quote that I’ve said to my nephew:
“This isn’t Mimi’s car, we can’t put chicken in the tires”
I was having a tickle fight with my 5 year old brother and he started ticking my v spot I yelled and pushed him away. Mom had a fun time explaining that one
My 3 year old cousin asked for a drink of milk so I got him one, and when he was done I quietly watched him walk over to the cupboard and put the (dirty) cup into it, then he closed it.. I asked him what he was doing and he replied “I am taking care of my cup, I do it all the time”.. I had to explain to him that the cupboard was for clean cups, and we put dirty cups in the sink to be washed..
Hello there.
HELP ME>
what is going on?
Where AM I??!?!?!
No, invisible underwear DO NOT COUNT.
Hey Buddy, Staplers don’t eat donuts.
I haven’t laugh-cried this hard since I read DamnYouAutoCorrect for the first time! Tucking this one away for a rainy day. Thank you, friends :)
My 2 year son old tells people they STANK when they talk to him! Even waves his hand in their faces!
And lifts his shirt to show people his nipple!
Me: Hey, get your finger out of your butt.
He ignores me and keeps digging.
Me: I said, “get your finger out of your butt!”
Still ignores me, keeps digging.
Me: “GET. YOUR. FINGER. OUT. OF. YOUR. BUTT.”
Keeps digging.
Me: “I am serious. If I have to get up, you are going to bed.”
He turns to me, smiles and holds up a quarter!
Me: “OH! You should’ve just told me you had a quarter hiding in your booty!”
“Get your brother’s dirty underwear OUT of your mouth!!!”
My favorite was when my fiancée asked my daughter “why is there bacon in your water?!” He was trying so hard to be serious and reprimand her but I couldn’t stop myself from busting out laughing!
“No! We NEVER go full UFC on little brother!”
“T-rexes do not eat crackers.”
“If you reach on the counter, your face will fall off.”
“Put the hatchet down, it’s time to get jammies on.”
“Dragons don’t eat at the breakfast table, they get put outside.”
“If you don’t get your seatbelt on, I will drive to the nearest Lowes and leave you to be raised by weekend contractors.”
“Kitties do not go in the toilet.”
“Velociraptors are terrible babysitters, don’t leave dolly with them. They’ll throw parties and drink all the good booze.”
“I don’t care if you can lift him you aren’t carrying your little brother down the stairs!”
My boys are 15 months apart, and I’m beginning to suspect they may have been raised by wolves.
Come here now and remove the ukulele from the ironing board!
or the funniest thing my daughter ever said to me:
If you eat your feet you’ll die.
My daughter said “Why do I have to clean my room?” Because it’s your room. “But it’s your house, so it’s really your room.So you should probably clean it. ” Hard to argue with that logic.
My cousin was asked to give the doctor a urine sample when he was 7. He was in rhe bathroom for an eternity. He finally came out, and he was very upset. He said “Every time I start to pee, the cup tips over!”
“No sweetie we don’t kiss mommy’s boobs even if you hurt them. It’s just weird.”
“Stop eating cake out of the garbage, you already brushed your teeth!”
When I realized the logic of what I said my whole body became weak and I fell on the floor laughing.
My son was taking a bubble bath. He was three years old. He yanked up his boy parts and said “Mom, is this my brain?”. I just about died!!
I don’t have any kids but I’m 17yrs older than my sister and I had to tell her “Please stop sniffing me” and “No we don’t smell people’s seats when they get up”
“PLEASE stop touching your privates when you’re sitting on me.”
“Spiderman does NOT like being used that way. Please don’t put him down your pants again.”
“Sit. Down. And eat your candy!!!”
“Oh honey, please don’t let the dog lick inside your mouth!!”
“Where on earth are you getting all of these rocks from?!?” (Of course, I answered my own question there…)
“Why are you wearing three pairs of underwear?!”
“We do NOT sleep in the shower!!!”
“Please don’t touch the dead thing! Yes, I know there are cool looking worms on it. Yes, they are very pretty. No, I don’t know how it died. Yes, I’m sure something will eat it. ….NOT YOU! …No, we are NOT going to keep the maggots as pets.” (If only this were just a boy thing. His female playmate was asking her mom the same thing!!!)
Taking a shower, he shows me his testes, “Mom, are these my babies? When will *I* get to have a baby in my tummy?” (5 years old)
Any time he’s angry at me now, “You’re fired!”
I’m about 13 years older than my youngest sister and I have had to get onto her several times for “getting my ninnies” and tell her to go get daddy’s ninnies .. I have also had to tell her that it’s not nice to hit Cody (my bf) in his private that it hurts him or that she’s not allowed to rip the legs off her Barbuda anymore ! she is a very sassy girl and after hearing my 14 year old sister repeatidly say “your mom!” she did this:
dad: get out of the pantry it’s almost dinner time
(ignores him)
dad: Brylee Wils”Anne get out of the cabinet !
(still ignores him)
dad: Brylee get out of that cabinet right now !
brylee: YOUR MOM !!!! (then proceeds to run away and hide in her room)
oh the joy of a 4 year who acts like a teenager
Lil sis: Mommy why am I not in this picture?
Mom: well, you were in my tummy.
lil sis: *eyes get wide* did you eat me?
What my sister asked my mom when she was pregnant with me
“Can i play with the baby? I’ll put her back when I’m done.”
Things I’ve said to my niece
“P we don’t squish up our food and put it in our belly buttons.”
“No, the dog bed is not your chew toy.”
“Don’t stick the banana up your nose.”
“We don’t poop in the bathtub and laugh.”
“We don’t bite ourselves at daycare.”
“Don’t try and fight your cousin.”
“STOP!!! Do not try and put your pinky in the pencil sharpener!”
Things I’ve said to my nephew
“G we don’t throw fruit at Auntie J and yell yolo.”
“When Spongebob comes on you don’t pull your pants down and start screaming.”
“We don’t make the dog eat soap.”
“Stop trying to tickle my boob.”
“No you can’t go outside and start a fire.”
“Don’t run into the mailbox!”
“Stop hitting peoples cars with you tricycle.”
“I don’t care if daddy said you could fart on me that’s not ok.”
“Get off the giraffe while you’re naked.”
In the backseat of the car my son says, “here mom”. I reach back and he places something in my hand. I look and say, did you just hand me a booger? ” Unfortunately I am apparently a slow learner and had to ask on several occasions.
“Oh my god, who’s poop is this?”
“Fine I don’t care who it belongs to just get it out from under the bed!”
Note: we did not have pets at this time
“Eating people isn’t very nice, now tell your brother sorry!”
The other day my 2 yr. daughter says ‘thank you, lady’
to a very gay man working a cash register. I corrected her and said that’s not a lady, that’s a man.
She promptly turns to him and asks ‘you have man parts?!?!’ Omg! I almost died. His face was priceless.
Poor thing, she thought I was lying.
Since my daughter was about 5 years old whenever she sees me changing my clothes she walks up to me, pokes me in the boob and says “Jiggly, jiggly, jiggly.” She’s 10 now and STILL does it! Mortifying.
My daughter,3 years old, has a boob obsession as well! She’ll make direct eye contact with me to distract me, and her little hands will go to work trying to cup and jiggle my boobs. She thinks it is the funniest thing when jump up and tell her to “STOP IT!” She thinks it’s even funnier when her hands go up my shirt to try and grab them. SHEESH!
My sisters are 15 years younger than me. I was in my room changing, and they (being twins) walk into my room.” Sissy can i use your big boobies as pillows” I proceed to tell them that isn’t very nice and we don’t talk about boobies. Then yet both reached out and simultaneously pinched both my tits. “MOM YOUR FOUR YEAR OLD DAUGHTERS ARE TRYING TO MOLEST ME!”
I don’t have kids, but I was babysitting 2 kids for a friend (brother and sister). I had been making lunch and I heard them laughing hysterically and some screaming. When I went to see what was going on, the girl had her little brother on his stomach with his pants down, trying to shove a pencil up his butt!
I was also on a walk with my little bro who is 11 yrs younger than me when he said something about eating his butt, and I responded with “you can’t eat your butt, cause then it would be in your stomach, and where would it go after that?”
“Get your feet out of your spaghetti!!”
“Stand back or you will get hit in the face. I will laugh as you cry. Then you will be crying harder when I give you spankings for disobedience.”
me: wash your booty
d(4): but I don’t want to get soap in my butt nostril!
I find I say a lot of the same things over again:
To my daughter:
“Do not wipe your nose on brother’s face!!”
“The bath tub isn’t a jacuzzi, and your fart bubbles won’t change that.”
“I don’t remember saying it was okay to chew on the dog.”
To my son:
“No matter how hard you try, you won’t be able to stretch out your penis.”
“Get the baby doll out of the oven; we are not cannibals here.”
“I don’t think your sister appreciates you farting on her.”
We don’t come into the living room naked and if you want to play with that you need to take back in the bathroom-yep
A boy’s favorite
personal favorites:
3 year old refused to get dressed,”I’m not rising a nudest!” to which she replied, “yes you are”
3 year old to me about her little sister, “Mom I’m done playing with her now, you can put her away.
Me to 3 year old, “don’t lick your sister!)
Me to 1 year old, “we dont eat the puppy” (yes our dog was just letting her chew on him)
Me to my 1 year old, “no, no toilet water. we don’t play in that.”
Me to my 3 year old, “get off the wall!” (my little brother taught BOTH my children to climb the door jambs)
My 6 year old son, to my wife, while she was cuddling with him at bed time: “Ah, mom, you STINK. Why are you making me hate you?” He likes to let you know how he’s feeling…
To my girl- honey you can’t pee in the bathtub… its icky.
To my boy- charlie, you have to stop painting your fingernails…
Also, my brothers were banned from using the word fart because they would yell Daddy farted in the store. One day, my mom, two of my brothers and myself were in Walmart and Jacob (6) whispered fart into Elijah’s (7) ear. Eli yelled quite loudly “Mom! Jacob just said the ‘f’ word!” The little old woman looked horrified.
Two things I never thought I would hear my self saying to my 3 year old son; “Honey please don’t bite the table.” And “Please stop barking at the neighbors, you might scare them.”
So my three year old likes to randomly slap my butt in public because he’s weird and it drives me insane. I screamed ” do not slap mommies butt please!” In the movie theater. Good times.
“Clean up those feathers or you won’t be fighting the Norse for a long time…”
“Your medieval siege weapons have caused enough fruit damage for one day!”
“No.. Her butt is not open.. That’s just her back!” My 3year old talking about his aunt when she bent to pick up a toy and her shirt lifted in the back a bit lol.
Oh my gosh i can’t wait to have kids some day. <3
You’re about as graceful as a bull in a china closet
“Nice little boys don’t pee on ant beds, especially in the neighbors yard and right in front of them. We are already the weird homeschooling family before you did that”
We do not put syrup on the couch, do not ride the recliner like a horse, no we do not poop in the heater vent! Quit barking! You are not a dog! Quit digging for gold! As she is picking her nose! No we do not take our clothes off for the whole neighborhood to see, i hope this is not going to be your new profession! Get that maxi-pad off your forehead, no itis not a band-aid! Just a few that i remember when mine were little, they are now teenagers. Good times!!!
I love being a parent. I had to tell my 1 1/2 year old while trying to pottytrain, “Son, please don’t eat crusties off your pee-pee.”
To 1 1/2 yr old – “Grandpa’s underwear is not a necklace.”
To 5 month old (toothless) daughter- “Stop trying to eat me! You’d make the worst zombie ever.”
“Stop using the sandbox as a bathroom!”
To my 3 year old son just after getting a kitten and explaining what the litter box is:
“Stop peeing in the kitty’s potty”
When he was one he liked to carry pop cans around to gnaw on with his sore gums:
“Fine! Get the beer and get out of the fridge”
And
“We don’t put fingers in our butts then smell them, gross”
to my 2 year old: the kitchen drawers are not steps!
don’t eat eggshells ew!
don’t poke your sisters boobies.
poopy is not brown paint, ew ew..
to my 4 year old: well if you didn’t bite kitty’s butt you wouldn’t have fur stuck to your tongue.
did you just take a shirt out of your drawer to blow your nose? *yes* well don’t put it back at least!
yup girls can be gross too
To my 3 yr old daughter at the park “where did you get that gum?”
To my 18-month old mischievous little boy… ” You know, somewhere out there there’s a tiger named Hobbes looking for you.”
here’s one:
“I believe you didn’t fart, please pull up your pants”
“we do not sing the farty song in public!” (my very-grown bf decided to teach my son about farts)
“we do not burp in the middle of the store and announce it!”
and on a regular basis:
“NO NAKED BUTTS ON THE COUCH!!”