People had a lot of opinions about this crazy snail situation.
“Why does the snail get a million dollars. that’s crazy. it’s a snail what does it need the money for,” protested Reddit user nathan_barely.
Some people argued that the snail could just board a plane and follow the woman. Reddit user bitcoin_noob said, “It’s super intelligent and immortal, it can just crawl onto the landing gear.”
Another user, kraftmatic81, said that the snail probably needed a bit more protection than other people expected: “True but just because it is immortal does not mean it is immune to damage. And if it went in the landing gear it would be subject to crazy cold temps and likely crushing. I fell like it would more likely sneak into someone’s carryon, like one of those small dog ones.”
Reddit user dudeatwork77 scrapped the idea of the snail sneaking onto the plane entirely, writing: "He's immortal, not immoral. He'd pay for the ticket."
Speedymg had different concerns entirely: “Why is everyone focusing on the logistics of this snail getting into the plane and not the issue of how this snail is able to use the money (no hands, or arms for that matter) it can’t talk, and it can’t fight, it can’t move quickly enough to remain undetected if it is anywhere outside of a forest or grassland. The snail will never get to you unless at some point you end up slipping into a coma indefinitely!”
The survival theories kept getting creepier and more involved.
Someone argued that we really should have defined our terms before we launched into this debate. They said, “I think we need a definition of ‘immortal’ before we can go any further. Is it just can’t die of old age? Is it immune to all damage and disability? Is it super-fast healing on anything but decapitation? THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE!!!”
Another user suggested, “If you live in a castle surrounded by salt will it fizzle in agony for an eternity? Will it begin to question its motives and wish only for the elusive taste of death? Will it turn to posting memes to me_irl?”
“See this is why you befriend the snail and agree to just steer clear of each other,” offered Reddit user xuu0 with a pang of remorse.
But saints400 brought it back down to the sad level it was at previously: “Snail just wants to die. Imagine being incredibly smart but trapped in the body of a snail for eternity. A living hell until he finds you and the sweet release of death. Gotta have empathy for that snail.”
When we said the theories got weirder, we meant it.
This solution started off simple: “Seriously, step one take the snail’s million dollars and cover the snail with some container … Then lock the snail in a snail immortal prison and bury it under your new mansion.”
Then it got complicated: “This could be a plot point in a Pan’s Labyrinth-style movie. A kid asks a secretly immortal billionaire about a snail under a glass thing on his shelf. Secretly immortal billionaire proceeds to tell spin what the kid perceives to be a fiction but is actually the secretly immortal billionaire’s life story. The snail is his arch nemesis…
The billionaire then loses the snail. At first he doesn’t mind. Plagued by tragedy and existential fatigue he searches the snail for thousands of years. In some weird post apocalyptic future with vampires and robots he finds the snail. The two are united like lovers and the billionaire finally dies …only to be reincarnated as a snail.”
But, at the end of this long and dark tunnel of a story, there was a beacon of light.
First, someone added a thought that no one had thought of yet: “Why does everyone assume the snail is evil? Why can’t he be a friendly snail who just wants to celebrate being an immortal millionaire with someone who can relate?”
And then, after the post went viral yesterday, the original poster’s Tinder match, Walker, saw it and actually responded, writing: “Hi! I am the Walker that the OP was talking too. Apparently this was back in August, and I honestly don’t know why I would have unmatched after that. I actually really like that answer.”
They messaged back and forth publicly and then Walker messaged her directly so that they could rekindle their long-lost flame. True love always finds a way.