hen history looks back at the second week of July 2017, they will gaze upon it with AMAZEMENT! So much happened, you guys! Craziness ensued! It was a veritable cornucopia of entertainment! And luckily, we were on hand to capture it all. So without further delay, here is This Week's Highs and Lows!
Roll that beautiful bean footage!
High: Sexy Grandmas!
Question: Are you a grandma? If you answered “yes,” Question Two: are you WORKING IT?!? If you aren’t, shame on you. Get up out of your chair and FIX THAT THING! This is officially the year for nanas to shake their groove thing, as best evidenced by a sexy gammy who dared to bare it (nearly) all at a Dodgers game. She didn’t let the bright lights of the TV cameras stop her. No, instead she flourished under them! Consider me #inspired.
Earlier this week in Texas, a contractor, who I should mention had the sole job that day of INSTALLING A NEW LOCK in the ATM room, got locked inside the gosh darn room himself and had to be saved by sending “help me” notes to bank customers using the ATM receipt slots. Really. This actually happened. Can you imagine being one of customers, just trying to pull out a few bucks for your date night and then BAM! You have to do a good deed? Nah. No thank you. That’s why I use debit cards all day. After this kerfuffle, I’m not sure this poor guy has much of a future in the lock-picking biz, but he sounds like he’d make a heckuva spy!
High: Inbox Zero Advocates!
Oh, Donny Jr…
Unless you’ve been living under a rock, you’ve heard that Heir to the Throne, baby POTUS himself Donald Trump, Jr. got busted for kicking it with Russians in a VERY illegal kind of way. While he may have been able to play dumb and pretend that any corroborating correspondence didn’t exist, he instead made things worse for himself by publishing ALL of his incriminating email conversations on Twitter. WOOF! C’mon little buddy. This isn’t your first rodeo! I’m not trying to advocate for obstructing justice, but I think your family might want to take a gander at the mailbox purging strategy Inbox Zero. Hey, it worked for Hillary!
Low: Oregon Highway Cleaning Crews
Let’s say you live in Oregon and you need a job. You decide “Hey, maybe I’ll work for the highway patrol cleaning department! Seems low stress and easy. Sure, a deer might get hit every once in awhile, but in general it will just be sweeping away pinecones and petting squirrels.” And it was – until July 13th, 2017 rolled around. That day EVERYTHING changed. Because on that day a flatbed truck covering HUNDREDS UPON HUNDREDS OF SLITHERING, SLIMY EELS spilled out across the 101 highway, denting cars and bringing traffic in the area to a stand-still while those eels (or according to some “hagfish”) were bulldozed into oblivion. Needless to say, there will be some job openings tomorrow.
High: Gilmore Girls Fans!
You grew up with them, you love them, and now their talents are finally getting the recognition they deserve! Alexis “Rory!!!” Bledel and Milo “Jess!!!” Ventimiglia have been nominated for Emmys for their respective roles in Hulu’s The Handmaid’s Tale and NBC’s This Is Us! EEEEK! They appeared together again this last year in the Netflix Gilmore Girls: A Year in the Life revival mini-series, but that wasn’t very good so it didn’t get any award nominations. But we can dream the incredible dream that we get a Rory and Jess reunion at some point during the night!