f Fort Lauderdale and bowling alleys are the most exciting places The Bachelor can bear to take us this week, then MY GOD, we need some drama. And Krystal is just the unhinged lunatic to deliver it. While Krystal’s purpose on the show is primarily to drive her cast mates to star in their very own episode of Snapped, her purpose for the viewing audience at home is to provide us with something to tweet about.
Here’s why we need Krystal’s special brand of Krazy in our lives.
Chelsea gets the first one on one date, then pretends like she’s Kate Winslet on a rented yacht.
Chelsea is so “ess-tatic” that she’s started speaking in the third person about herself.
“He’s gonna get to know the real Chelsea,” she smiles. Her ess-tatic state also causes her to create spontaneous poetry: “I’m on a dreamboat, but I’m also with a dreamboat.”
Arie is not as much of a dreamboat as Leo DeCaprio, it appears, because he doesn’t quite know how to handle the mandatory I’m king of the world! moment. Oh well.
At dinner, Chelsea opens up to Arie about her ex dumping her.
“I was drowning in a life that seemed perfect,” Chelsea tells Arie over wine. Her ex was old and controlling, so they separated 7 years into their relationship when their son Sammy was only 6 months old. Worse yet, she got kicked to the curb with trash bags, much like Annaleise did last week. Savage.
Now Chelsea says she’d be happy with Arie even if he didn’t have a rented yacht. So she gets the rose. She thinks, “This rose right here means Arie is accepting me for me.”
We are all suddenly caught in a “moment of weakness” as an unknown artist croons these lyrics while Arie mauls Chelsea on the dance floor.
Krystal is sick of fighting these thirsty chicks for Arie’s time, but she’ll have to do just that - at a bowling alley.
On the bowling alley group date, teams are formed, then Krystal leads them in a prayer-croak. The team who wins will spend time with Arie, who likely brought his own ball tonight.
Team blue for the win! Krystal gloats, then forces everyone to group hug. Afterward, Arie feels guilty so he invites the pink team to come along too. Krystal’s Krazy grows thrice the size of its former self.
She loses her mind on the bus ride home, calling Arie a liar and swearing she’ll never trust him again.
“We saw the crazy in her eye” the girls say. But they’re actually excited to tell Arie about Krystal’s epic meltdown, which will make them look sane in comparison.
Krystal sulks upstairs in a bathrobe, thus scoring a one on one date with Arie by way of a hissy fit. Genius.
Krystal tells the group she’s not going to dinner and has even packed her bags to go home. Harrrumph!
Arie goes to check on Krystal because… of course he does. Maquel can’t believe her grandpa literally died, yet Arie cares more about Krystal’s meltdown than even giving her a Duggar-style side hug.
Upstairs, Krystal tells Arie that she’s been “venerable” and raw (yay – she got “raw” right!), but Arie doesn’t like this particular level of crazy.
“Are you teaching me a lesson?” he wonders. In the end, Papa Arie tells Krystal to stay in her room and think about what she’s done. No Snapchat for a week, young lady!
Arie has nothing to fight about with the rest of the women, so he just resorts to kissing them.
Back in group, Arie starts pulling women aside for a speed round of make-out sessions.
Question: If one person in this crew gets the flu, will this entire show need to be shut down within 36 hours? Because Arie will be patient zero.
Arie loves Kendall’s quirkiness. “Every day somebody surprises me,” says Arie, who is likely surprised by whatever cardigan his mom lays out for him on Tuesdays.
Bekah M seduces Arie yet again – legs on the lap this time, which is at least a step down from straddling him. She is never – repeat NEVER – getting another nanny job again after this, so she better hope reality TV is her calling.