Becca K was Aries’s first date, but she’s already yesterday's news.
Becca and Arie snuggle while Krystal puts her war paint on upstairs. She busts in on the group date just in time to hear Bekah mocking her with admirable accuracy.
Lauren B leaves in a huff, then cries into a large napkin. The groups leaves it to Bekah to run Krystal off while Lauren B is whisked outside.
Lauren plays 21 questions with Arie, which is 20 more than he can handle. “What’s your favorite color?” begins this mensa-level conversation. And it goes downhill from there.
When Lauren later gets the group rose, Becca starts to calculate the eBay resale value she can score for those Rachel Zoe gowns after she gets back home.
Tia gets the second one on one date, which is just as country as she is.
As they ride on an airboat among the gators, Tia’s more jazzed to see a turtle. Its slow roll reminds her of Arie. Then they head to a home on stilts owned by a gentleman named Darrell, who cooks for them. Since there is no closed captioning, I have no idea what this dude says, but the fried corn looks delicious.
Anyway, Arie’s more interested in what Tia has to say about “frogging.” Please don’t ask. Tia says she likes the simple life. Hopefully she likes the simple guys too, because if so, Arie fits her like a worn-in gator boot!
At dinner, they celebrate loving “everything they know about each other.” But when Tia tells Arie she’s got a doctorate degree, a look of terror registers on his face. Then he thinks about how well Tia can take care of him in his golden years (i.e: right now).
Even though Arie isn’t a church-going man, Tia doesn’t care. She tells him she’s falling in love with him anyway. At this news, Arie chuckles like a grandpa who’s just found a Werther’s Original in his trouser pocket. Then he hands her a rose.
Krystal fights with everyone before the rose ceremony. Which is awesome.
As if she were a walking GIF, Krystal gets drunk and immediately starts fighting with everyone before the rose ceremony. She goes for Kendall first, who just wants everyone to “be kind.” She doesn’t think Arie is the person for Krystal, which are fightin’ words.
Next up is Tia. Krystal knows this chick is her competition, so she stands down when Tia calls her out.
Finally, Bekah is on deck with one question for her nemesis: “Why are you still here?” Shockingly, Krystal’s real voice emerges as she tries to claim how hurt she is, but Bekah shuts that shit down STAT. She’s done. So she walks out, like a boss.
But Krystal is done too! And she has fake glitter!
“I’m done!” croaks Krystal, throwing up some jazz hands for effect. “Glitter,” she says. “That was glitter.” (An explanation for the people in the back?)
When Krystal takes Arie aside before the final rose, Arie reminds her how close they are – I mean, she’s suffered through touring his high school and watching his home movies, right?
Then Krystal blames her outburst earlier on bowling alleys. Yup. It all comes back to bowling alleys! Apparently, she was raised in one by a mother who neglected her. So – she was triggered by those scary round balls?
Or was she just spooked by Arie licking them? (Because I was.)
It doesn’t matter, because now Krystal wants back in the game. “This is our first fight,” she coos. Arie barks back, “Well, it could be our last fight!”
Alas, at the rose ceremony we find out that there will be plenty more fighting to come, because Krystal sticks around in the end, thus solidifying her breakout role on Bachelor In Paradise, where her destiny surely awaits.
Arie sends home Marikh, Maquel, and Ashley, who are now free to find men outside the confines of bowling alleys and urine-drinking group dates.
As she peeks out from behind her rose, Krystal smirks, “Some things are worth fighting for. Watch out ladies.”
Some people are worth watching on TV too, and something tells me Krystal knows it.
Next week: Paris!
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