ibiana Julian is a modern day prophet, and we don't deserve her. In Arie's Bachelor world, you are either a Krystal or a Bibiana - there is no middle ground. And though it's been a mere three weeks of welcoming her into my life, I will be #TeamBibs all the way to the end. First loves never die. (Bibiana, will you accept this friendship rose?)
Although she wasn't given a rose this week, Bibiana's wise words will forever bloom in our hearts: "Please God, let one of those women get bitten by a puppy." I mean, the poetry practically writes itself!
Here's why Bibiana called out the devil's handiwork on The Bachelor before anyone else.
Bibiana is a girls' girl.
She calls on the Lord to cut a b*tch if the occasion arises. Over cocktails, of course. And group prayer, poolside.
On the cringeworthy group wrestling date, Bibiana didn't mimic Bekah M's Sexy Kitten or, in Krystal's case, Crusty Cheetah.
Nope. She valiantly strapped some sort of dinosaur head on her skull and start body slamming people! Like a girl boss. Even after some old GLOW hag made fun of her name! Pssshhhhht. Plus, Bibiana’s not afraid to cry in private over legitimately hurt feelings without running to a man for comfort afterward. (We see you, Tia.)
The devil wears many faces, or in Bekah's case, many braless ensembles.
Although Bibiana had Bekah’s number from the start, she chose not to scatter her energy. Krystal was the main threat, so Bibiana conserved her power to laser focus on the beating black heart of the cast. It didn’t win her any points with Arie in the end, but hey – she’s back on the market to date men who don’t have 17 other girlfriends now!
Meanwhile, Krystal complained to anyone who would listen about how "girls never liked me! For NO reason!!"
This is what Oprah might call an A-Ha moment. When Krystal says that women don’t cotton to her, she’s basically telling us everything we need to know – i.e: She’s been stealing your boyfriend since the third grade. And she will use these well practiced skills this season to divide and conquer.
Now, I'm a dog person. Truly - I am! But this second Bachelor group date is basically everyone's version of Hell.
The “Best In Show” concept looks cute on paper, and I’m sure ABC execs were laughing uproariously about their bright idea to get the women in costume to prance around with unruly canines. But it was an epic fail. Arie was bored. We were bored. The dogs were bored. The kids looked vaguely pukey. It was essentially a hot mess. In other words, Hell.