Game of Thrones Season 7 went out with a dragon, a wolf, and a serious well, blast, last night, if you know what we're saying *wink wink.* There was death, there were dragons, and we finally saw the R-rated aunt & nephew action many fans were hoping for — it was quintessentially Game of Thrones, and it was epic. As always, there was no shortage of terrible decisions made by characters left and right, but this time we can say with certainty that the majority of the bad choices were made by one group of characters: the dudes. Yeah, that's right. You heard us. The guys of Thrones really biffed it last night. The episode should have been called, Game of Thrones: Men Are Idiots. Let's explore.
#1: The Hound Knocks On the Box
As if to say, “Knock knock! This episode will be about men doing stupid things,” one of the very first things that happen in the season finale is the Hound knocking on the wooden box that holds the wight they’re bringing to Cersei. (Quick refresher: Wights are the reanimated corpses of the dead, and White Walkers are the ones who control them.)
Obvs, the reanimated corpse goes wild and spooks the daylights out of him. Guess he didn’t learn from the last time he provoked the White Walkers…
In the meantime, the gang — meaning almost every principal actor in the show — reunites at the Dragonpit in King’s Landing for the creepiest up game of Show-and-Tell ever.
#2: Jon Snow Cannot Tell a Lie
This episode was chock full of super intense reunions. Characters who haven’t seen each other in multiple seasons all gathered together in King’s Landing to talk about the fate of humanity.
Brienne and The Hound share a proud parent moment while discussing Arya’s transformation into a cold-blooded killer. Pod and Tyrion catch up fondly. The Hound provokes yet another terrifying zombie creature when he confronts his brother, The Mountain, to say, “You know who’s coming for you. You’ve always known.” Dark, dude. Dark.
Shortly after, Dani makes the most badass, fashionably late party arrival of all time, leaving Cersei to think “Damn, I wish I had made a better entrance.”
The meeting seems to go as planned, the wight is properly gross and terrifying, and Cersei seems spooked enough to agree to a truce and join Winterfell’s efforts (minus Euron Greyjoy, who, once assured the zombies can’t swim, straight up peaces it back to his island kingdom) to defeat the army of the dead.
But then, Chief Idiot, Jon Snow, refuses to promise an extended truce with the Lannisters and instead reveals he’s bent the knee the Daenerys Targaryen. Cersei withdraws her promise to fight alongside them and leaves in a huff.
Every shocked face left in the Dragonpit looks at Jon like, “Seriously, bro? This is really not the time to be honorable.” He could have just said yes. My god, why didn’t he just say yes? Oh, because he’s an idiot.
#3: Tyrion Risks Death To Talk To His Sister
Tyrion then agrees to go talk to his sister. It’s the only thing anyone can think to do to remedy the situation, but it’s also an idiot move to go meet with “the most murderous person in the world” when you’re responsible for the deaths of several members of her family.
Tyrion and Jaime share a moment before Tyrion enters the lion’s den in which they both resign themselves to their idiocy for hanging around Cersei at all. If it wasn’t so bleak, it would have been kinda nice.
But in a moment of (what we assume is) mercy, Cersei doesn’t kill Tyrion. Instead, she reveals to him that she’s pregnant, and somehow, he convinces her to fight the wights with the North… or so it seems.
Unfortunately, she’s just way smarter and more evil than all the men in this show, and it’s later revealed to us that she was lying to convince Tyrion, Jon, and Dani that she would help them, when instead, she plans to do the opposite.
#4: Theon Beats Up a Guy To Go Save Yara
Meanwhile, back at the ranch (Dragonstone), Jon and Dani are plotting their defense and Theon’s having a crisis (yeah, he’s still around). This guy CANNOT catch a break.
After a conversation with Jon where he’s basically like, “I should save my sister Yara,” and Jon’s like, “Uh, YEAH,” Theon goes to rally the troops, but troops that won’t follow him because he’s a coward.
In idiot move number 13401885013 for Theon, he picks a fight with a jacked looking sailor guy and gets beaten within an inch of his life. But with that last inch, he comes back and pulverizes the dude. All this trouble gives him about 10 men and a couple row boats — saving Yara will be a longshot with those resources, but more power to ya, brother.
Also, this fight shows us there is one upside to having your male parts cut off by a sausage-loving maniac.
#5: Littlefinger Gets What's Coming To Him
In truly the best scene ever to happen in the run of the show, Littlefinger loses at his own game.
Then, he loses his life.