22 Words

This guy’s insanely long list of relationship dealbreakers excludes literally every woman on earth

Jul 24, 2014 By Abraham 45

Last August, a man messaged Emily through OK Cupid. When she checked out his profile to see if she might be interested in him she discovered the most thorough list of dating dealbreakers imaginable.

She took screen caps and posted them for the rest of us to be shocked and entertained by. When you think you’re coming to the end, you’re not. They just keep going…

Dealbreakers - 01

Dealbreakers - 02

Dealbreakers - 03

Dealbreakers - 04

Dealbreakers - 05

Dealbreakers - 06

Dealbreakers - 07

(via Buzzfeed)

Considering this guy’s absurd expectations, if you actually read through all those, that probably disqualifies you.

Disappointing, I know.

45 Comments

  1. ZK says:

    I honestly thik this is a good list. I’m not sure I would want ot go out with someone who puts a list like this together, but this is basically a “looking for a normal person” list.

    1. Ari says:

      You did notice the part where he basically says that you’re out if you don’t wear make-up, right? “if youy travel to third-world countries for vacations”… or any affiliation to any religion… it’s funny. This guy doesn’t want any relationship with someone who thinks he’s better than the other people, but HE obviously thinks he is a better person than many, many people. That’s so hypocritical.

  2. Barb says:

    I’m out! It was the “Princess Bride” that let me down! Mind you, I got so confused with the rest I must have missed other ‘that’s me’ moments.

  3. Thrax says:

    Seems like a nice guy actually. It’s remarkable that he actually took the time to articulate what he does not want. That is a feat in itself. I agreed with near everything on this list and so does my hubby lol.

    1. Anya says:

      Huh? He doesn’t seem nice at all. He seems pretentious, overly concerned with appearances, and naively disposed to the notion that being unhappy is more “authentic” than being happy. He dislikes anyone who doesn’t share his opinions and his tastes. He also indulges multiple contradictions: he thinks that he should be able to ask probing questions of transgender people, but dislikes people who “belittle” transgender people; he doesn’t like sarcasm, but thinks that cynicism and negativity should be embraced.

      He strikes me as being very young and very full of himself. And, by extension, so do you and your husband.

  4. Kristin says:

    It’s not a bad list Basically he’s looking for someone intelligent and socially aware. I’m disqualified by the “you think gender is cultural” statement. Gender is a cultural construct. Sex is biological. I’m a social scientist with a Master’s in anthropoioogy and gender is my specialty. This guy is disqualified because I have a dealbreaker for rigid and inflexible men who refuse to admit they might be wrong about some things.

    1. Matt says:

      Agree, this guy almost certainly thinks very highly of his knowledge and opinions and is much too rigid and inflexible. I am guessing he is in his early 20s, as I was when I had annoyances and lists such as this, and the age at which I thought I was always the smartest person in the room.

      If I had held onto those ideas, I wouldn’t have ended up married my wonderful wife, whom I love dearly, and whose differences (albeit few) I celebrate as a challenge to my own ideas, rather than an annoyance and grounds for breakup.

  5. Miche says:

    A lot of this could be summarized by “don’t be rude” – which is okay…
    But if “you consider yourself a happy person” is a deal breaker, you’re doomed.
    Chances are, whoever fits the criteria will have an equally long list of demands. Best of luck!

  6. Kay A. Ess says:

    It was his concern for pedophiles that made me hesitate. That he is concerned that his partner understand that pedophilia is an illness not evil makes me worry. There are plenty of people who are kleptomaniacs, but he doesn’t expect his future mate to understand that is an illness, also.

    1. Sarah says:

      I understand why it makes you nervous. but there are two kinds of pedophiles. Offending and non offending. Its different than kleptomania because kleptomania is when you actually steal compulsively rather than just desiring too. Pedophiles often find they are pedophiles when they hit puberty and there preference does not age with their peers without ever having actually hurt anyone.

  7. James says:

    Some of these were pretty reasonable… some condescending.,.. some just plain strange.

    I would agree to probably 2/3s of them. He is quite condescending when it comes to religion, which I found deeply obnoxious. His comments about the police were fairly uneducated too… which I found ironic given his comments about uniformed politics.

  8. Cheryl says:

    I’m out! lol! Seven or eight times over.
    I will agree with him about those random people telling you to smile.
    “Smile!”
    “Bite me!”

  9. Stannnnnnnnnn says:

    Don’t message me if…
    -If you can’t tell the difference between a beauty regimen and a beauty regiment.

    (though I will concede that I have seen quite a few pics of beautiful soldiers online)

  10. Cheryl says:

    Some of these are reasonable. Some are pretentious and arrogant. Some fall under ‘personal preference’ and ‘personal opinion’ (John Lennon is the latter). That he expects a woman to match all of them is totally unrealistic. There’s a difference between what you *need*, what’s a make-or-break quality, in a person and what you’d *like* in a person. I *need* someone who is intelligent, enjoys lively, challenging discussion, and can handle being challenged, because I’m someone who thrives on discussing current events and I play devil’s advocate a fair amount, and I’m quite plain spoken and blunt. I’d *like* someone who loves animals as much as I do, but if he doesn’t, he doesn’t. As long as he respects that I’m a HUGE animal lover and my cats and I are a package deal, it’s all good. Ditto for my other interests and passions. This boy needs to grow up.

  11. Sarah says:

    Honestly, I like this list a lot…
    There’s about five things on the list that I’ve done, but everything else…yeah, I agree.

  12. turtlegirl784 says:

    As a vet tech, I have to comment on the “wandering mystery cats” one. Petting a cat will not you infected with toxoplasma. It’s transmitted through feces, and for it to be infective the feces have to be >24 hours old. It also doesn’t go through your skin; it has to get in through your mouth. You’re more likely to get toxo from eating undercooked meat or gardening without wearing gloves.
    You could, on the other hand, get ringworm – even from a cat that didn’t have any visible lesions, since some cats become healthy carriers. Or if you have cats at home you could pick up something that could get them sick.

    But toxo is even less of a concern with stray cats than rabies.

  13. CheeryO says:

    Actually I fit his description to a T and agree with everything he said – except that on my own list, bullet point #455 reads, “You believe you can get toxoplasmosis from petting a cat.” He could have Googled this fact, but didn’t – so he also fails my bullet point #52, which states, “You make broad statements-as-fact about science or communicable disease, with no medical background or prior research.”

    Damn, we were so close.

  14. Lily says:

    The Doors, accented English, buying jeans with a rip in them, not having a strong opinion on John Lennon… all of these are offensive to this guy? To be this inflexible in life is not good, I think. Especially to have so many arrogant and hostile opinions on the smallest, inconsequential matters.

  15. jumpingjoy88 says:

    In a word…he wants to date the female version of himself.
    Variety creates good relationships, this guy is missing out.

  16. aeronaut says:

    Whew … The only one good enough for him is his right palm, with a dab of lotion and that’s who gets bouquet every Valentíne.

    Accept people the way they are, humans with some exceptional qualities for every bad trait. There is no cast, mould, formula of perfect person. Every deviation, change, flaw makes us individuals. Who would be comfortable being around such a judgemental individual?

  17. Kevin D. Rolle says:

    Sounds like he’s looking for Ms. Perfect. Since she doesn’t exist, it leads me to believe there could be a hidden fear of commitment underlying that list. Conveniently making excuses for never getting in a relationship to begin with.)

  18. Gabriel says:

    Many women have had a 500 bullet point checklist for years. Sooner or later, the tables were going to turn.

  19. Bec215 says:

    I can’t decide if this guy actually copied all of these from other people’s lists, and has the driest sense of humor on record, OR is serious – in which case, I’m very happy that he will be alone for the rest of his life, because no woman deserves to live with such an inflexible, unpleasant, judgmental obsessive control freak.

    1. Sarah says:

      Not experiencing sexual attraction is a bit different than being so picky you exclude almost 99.5% of the entire planet.

  20. Hannah says:

    it sounds like someone who doesn’t ever want to be challenged intellectually. He wants someone who already has all of the exact same values as he does, who, if they don’t agree with him on everything, won’t argue with him. It also doesn’t sound like he likes interesting people.

    I have met a couple people who sound like this. They come across as normal at first, but they start sounding tin-foil-hat nutty pretty soon. I am particularly sensitive to this sort of quirk, so maybe not everyone would see it the same way, but this sort of thinking kind of scares me. If you are willing to be this prohibitive with your social interaction, how can your life be anything but an echo chamber? How can you learn other peoples opinions if you only talk to people who agree with you? Kind of funny that. As much as a flexible communication device the internet is, it allows us to only see what we want to see and amplify it enough to drown out all other possibilities.

  21. Drew says:

    Hmmmm…. I can’t “consider [myself] to be a happy person” or dye my hair light blonde??? Or enjoy flash mobs and vanity license plates? This guy sounds like a lot of fun!!!!

    I bet he hates it when people use more than one question mark or exclamation point in a row… Also probably mockery. And paraphrasing. And when people start sentences with and. And grammatically incorrect sentences.

  22. Meilseoir Schwartzthal says:

    Ah yes, the opinion maker personality, whose own arrogance has convinced them they have the “right” opinions, and that makes feel “better than you”. You like a boring ice cream flavor. Their favorite is cooler. Most likely he is at that particular age when some go through that phase, and when he matures he’ll outgrow this.

    Call it “the big fish in the small pond”. The local bard/guru.

    The only sad thing I can imagine is that he’ll meet that person, who because of their insecurity, latches on to his every word of “advice” of how he can “make them a better person.”

    If you think that can’t happen, I’ll share a shortened version of an anecdote; I was friends with someone in their late 20′s in my teen years, who temporarily convinced me that their every viewpoint was expert, and that my every viewpoint was wrong, and I needed to change to grow/improve. They sounded a lot like this guy. Yes, to some people – the young and unsure – their very charm is that seemingly inexhaustable “you’re doing it wrong” commentary; like they have all the answers. So, they take you under their wing and “teach” you the “right” way. After I snapped out of it, the only thing they ended up teaching me was the one thing they that they weren’t trying to teach me; never let someone do that to you.

    I suppose that’s a universal lesson everyone must learn….
    That bigger kids aren’t better than you because they’re bigger.

Leave a Reply

As seen on Huffington Post, CNN, BuzzFeed, New York Times, Scientific American, Mentalfloss, USA Today, Funny or Die, Gawker, Gizmodo, Laughing Squid, Boing Boing, Hot Air, Jezebel, Neatorama

About 22 Words

22 Words collects a blend of everything from the serious and creative to the silly and absurd. As your source for the crazy, curious, and comical side of the web, 22 Words can be counted on to share funny and fascinating viral content as well as more obscure (but equally interesting) pictures, videos, and more.

© 2014 | 22 Words

Privacy Policy

Close This Window Close