13 Things That All Women Do, According to Commercials

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For whatever reason, advertisers seem to have decided that all commercials have to take place in an alternate reality.

Take infomercials, for example. Every single infomercial takes place in a universe where simple tasks have somehow become impossible.

As for other commercials, they’re all marked by women doing very specific things which approximately zero women actually do in real life.

Obviously. I had to start with this one. I’m just gonna say it. There is nothing normal or helpful about pouring blue liquid on a menstrual pad.

And if your period blood is blue and semitransparent… You need to see a doctor.

While wearing white, of course. And always with a smile.

I actually three complaints about facewash commercials. The first is exactly what’s going on in the GIF above. Why is Hayden Panettiere smiling so much as she scrubs her face?

Also, why is there no soap on her forehead? Hayden, girl, your forehead needs to be cleansed, too! But this joyful face scrubbing is nothing compared to this next one…

Are you trying to flood your entire bathroom? ‘Cause that’s how you flood your entire bathroom. No one has ever rinsed their face like this in the history of time.

5. And finally, touch their face right after washing it.

Isn’t the whole point of washing your face to avoid getting germs and bacteria on your skin? The answer is, of course, yes.

But not in the commercials! Then again, the women in commercials always have perfect skin, so maybe I’m doing it wrong.

It’s hard to choose which of these commercial tropes is the most unrealistic, but this is definitely right up there. What are these women doing, shaving their legs that already have no hair on them?

If my leg looked like the one in the picture, you can bet that no razor would come within 10 feet of it for a good month. Or six.

Call me crazy, but I’m pretty sure your armpit’s not going anywhere. Have you noticed that they all seem to be perfectly deodorized with just a single swipe, too? I’m more a four- or five-swipe kinda gal, myself.  

Constantly and with a permanent smile. There’s no limit to the many different things that women can clean.

Dirty dishes? Yep! Dusty floors? Yes! Dirty carpet? Obviously. But what’s even more impressive is that they are always, always smiling about all the cleaning they get to do. Which is probably good, considering this next thing that all women in commercials do.

Have you ever noticed the men in commercials? Like, really noticed them?

They’re not smart. They don’t know how to clean or take care of the kids or do pretty much anything other than watch the big game and spill food on the carpet. I’m not sure which alternate universe these commercial women are getting their husbands from, but they should never return to that universe ever again.

(Obviously, laundry falls under “cleaning.”) It’s not enough to simply do all of the cleaning tasks. No, women in commercials have to luxuriate in them.

They’re not just doing laundry. They’re enjoying the essence of fresh linen or some other poetic B.S. like that.  

What…what?! That’s not how paper towels work. That’s not how any of this works.

Bonus points if you flip your spoon upside-down and your eyes kind of roll back in your head as you eat your rotten milk sauce. I’m pretty sure there have been multiple scientific studies that prove no one likes yogurt as much as women in yogurt commercials do.

Look, lady. Ice cream is good. But it’s nowhere near that good.