The 2018 Winter Olympics are well underway, and you know what that means: Everyone is all of a sudden a giant fan of figure skating.
That’s right: Your neighbor with the 90 cats suddenly knows every stat there is to know about triple axels! Your mom cried at Adam Rippon’s program! Your boss wants you to know that Bradie Tennell is definitely going to win it all.
People who never think about figure skating suddenly have lots and lots of thought about figure skating during the Olympics, and some of those thoughts are quite funny!
Figure skating is really a cutthroat sport (and not just because it’s easy to get your throat cut on those sharp blades). It’s probably the most dangerous sport that involves sequins, and for that, it should be celebrated.
Canada is known for being polite…sometimes too polite. The heat their figure skaters are bringing in the 2018 Olympics can only be interpreted as a very nice way to say, “You better not mess with us.”
This seems plausible.
How else are sports invented?
Me: “Wow! That person just jumped in the air and twirled around and landed on teeny tony blades on ice! They should win a medal just for that.”
Announcer: “She’ll never be able to face her family again.”
I think that’s a different sport…
It’s called hockey.
Apparently, figure skating judges do have a bit of a problem with biases toward their home countries. However, the figure skating judging process is so complicated that literally no one knows how to combat it.
Forget “Moulin Rouge” (which seems to be a favorite song of figure skaters)! Let’s all do the “Monster Mash”! I’d pay good money to see Mirai Nagasu do a move called the “Graveyard Smash.”
This is a common ailment. We recommend you turn on curling, which will put you right to sleep, and you’ll wake up refreshed in a couple hours. Oh, you’ll still have crushes on the ice skaters. There’s nothing we can do about that.
You ever drinking coffee during a year without the Olympics, just standing there sipping and thinking about how you’d like to watch some ice skating right at that very moment? Yeah, me too.
Seriously, I don’t know how any skating partners get through training and practicing and performing without killing each other, let alone pairs that are related! That’s got to be a special relationship.
Think about ice skating. No, really think about it. It’s insane! It’s a miracle! I think everyone who competes should get a medal just based on the fact that they can skate away from the wall of the rink.
Figure skating is like those Sour Patch Kids commercials where the little gummy kid does something mean (or sour) and then it hugs you or does something else nice. Figure skating is gorgeous but also deadly serious and badass.
It’s ripe that we sit on our couches eating chips and popcorn and pizza and dein to judge the figure skaters we see on screen. But what is watching the Olympics without harshly criticizing people who are so clearly better than you at a range of activities?
It’s honestly so distracting if I don’t know the relationship between the couple before they start skating. I try to look at the way they’re gazing into each other’s eyes, and most of the time I’m like, “Oh, they’re definitely married,” but then they’re actually brother and sister.
Oh to be young and full of unwarranted confidence. See that person in the back, standing still with the walker on the ice? Yeah, that’d be me.
Here’s the thing about figure skating during the Olympics: It’s super emotional. There’s a lot of drama. Even though you may be thousands of miles away from where it’s actually happening, you can feel the tension on the ice. It’s enough to send you into therapy for months.
For some reason, skaters love to do routines to Jeff Buckley’s “Hallelujah,” which is also known as the saddest song ever recorded in all of history. The only routine that makes sense while listening to this song is one that allows for a lot of crying.
Finding the right rhinestone balance is tough for a figure skater. You want enough so the judges aren’t like, “Where were the rhinestones?” but you don’t want so many that they’re so blinded by sparkle that they can’t even see you land your tricks.
Mirai Nagasu made history Sunday night when she became the first American woman in history to land a triple axel at the Olympics. Yeah, she did that.
This is an excellent question, and if I were a figure skater, I would absolutely do a routine to Mitch Hedberg. It would go like this:
Mitch Hedberg: Rice is great…
Me: *triple salchow*
Hedberg: …if you’re really hungry and you want to eat 2000 of something.