20 Hysterical Amazon Reviews Written by People With Too Much Time on Their Hands

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Amazon is basically the most thing that has ever existed in the world. You can order anything from books to makeup to toilet paper and have it appear right at your door. Or you can order storage tubs and end up with a bunch of marijuana.

But as wonderful and convenient as Amazon is, the real treasure is often hidden not in the products themselves but in the reviews for those products.

If you’re looking for a beach ball to play with on the beach with your friends, this might not be it. But if you’re looking for a durable beach ball that’s able to travel long distances, you’re in luck!

This keyboard is almost completely useless unless you just need to type the words “abracadabra” or “sweaterdresses” a lot. (Those both use only the left hand. Go ahead and try it.)

If it’s any consolations, your mother-in-law probably looks pretty ridiculous when using this gadget. That’s gotta count for something, right?

This review is for a chocolate fountain. Or should I say an anything fountain? Chocolate fountains are already quite fancy, but a hot sauce fountain is basically the best thing that’s ever existed in the history of time.

At least you have an excuse for not doing anything all day. You also have a gigantic waffle! It’s turning into a really good day for you, huh? Know who’s not having a good day? This next guy’s kids…

The important thing about raising children is to not be afraid to assert your own dominance. If that means bringing out the penguin mask, so be it.

(This one is a review for condoms.) Congratulations on the baby! Might I recommend purchasing a penguin mask as soon as possible? You’re gonna need it.

The person who left this review is the real MVP, giving people the info they’re really looking for. They’re also a pretty impressive pirate, from the sounds of it.

I don’t know about you, but I’d like for this person to write their own version of Sunshine and then watch it immediately. The puns will probably be out of this world.

I know what you’re wondering. How could dinosaur embryos possibly be transported in a can of shaving cream? Life, uh, finds a way. This next one will be especially funny to fans of Star Wars

The second version of this LEGO set is indeed new and improved. Unfortunately, it came at the cost of many Bothans’ lives.

Spoiler alert! The baby’s belly button should obviously not be on the book’s cover. At that point, let’s take the baby off completely. It’ll be a real mystery.

This one is only funny once you realize that uranium has a half-life of approximately 4.5 billion years. It takes a while for this joke to pay off, but once it does, it’s completely worth it.

Short, sweet, and to the point. Honestly, I’m more curious about those 4-star reviews now.

That’s it, I am going straight out to buy a bottle of this stuff anyway. I don’t think I even like Scotch, but that doesn’t matter now. I’m also going to buy this water bottle holder…

Do you need a water bottle holder? This will do just fine. Do you need a chicken egg holder? You’ll need to look elsewhere.

Oh nooooooo! This is not right at all. But I’m too afraid to let them know just how completely they’ve messed up.

Seems a little harsh. At least give this mystery product that you didn’t order two stars, ya know?

Go ahead an laugh, but this has to be exactly what every single fedora-wearer actually thinks, right? This one is just too real.

Hey, I get it. Being the King of Switzerland is no small task!