You Can Now Get a Sand Timer for People Who Spend Way Too Long in the Bathroom

Look, you love Nic Cage, I love Nic Cage, we all love Nic Cage. And you need his face on a pillowcase. That’s all there is to this story.

One hundred Misprinted Pens.

You don’t want a box of one hundred random ballpoint pens with misprinted company names on them? Of course you do!

This Shaving Bib.

If you are, or you live with, a guy who shaves, this shaving bib is a perfect product. It has suction cups that stick right onto the mirror and catch every tiny hair that falls.

These Grass Flip Flops.

There’s nothing quite like walking barefoot on fresh grass, and with these grass flip flops, you can do that all the time!

These Madagascar Hissing Cockroaches.

You could be grossed out by the prospect of buying a pair of real live cockroaches on the Internet, or you could name them Simon and Garfunkel and give them all the kisses.

This Play Suture Kit.

Practice sewing up human skin with this suture pad! It even has three layers to mimic skin, fat, and muscle.

This Bacon-Flavored Floss.

I don’t know that there is anyone in the world who really wants bacon-flavored floss, which is why you should buy it right now and give it to someone that you want to confuse.

This Tongue Brush for your cat.

As if cat people needed another reason to get closer to their furry friends. This spiky tongue will make your kitty purr, and your cat will love you even more than she already does.

This Boyfriend That’s Also a Pillow.

The boyfriend pillow is the greatest because it’s just like a man, but it doesn’t have a head (you know, the worst part of men)!

This 8 lb. Bag of Cereal Marshmallows.

The best part of Lucky Charms are the marshmallows, so why even deal with the healthy wheat bits when you can just have a whole entire bowl of the sweet stuff? And, by bowl, I mean eight whole pounds. Of marshmallows.

These Rare Two-Dollar Bills.

These two-dollar bills are rare and consecutive. They’ve never been in circulation and they will be in perfect condition when you receive them. If you’re a collector, or you don’t mind paying $20 for $10, this is for you!

This Mullet Headband.

You may not think that you need a sweatband with a mullet wig built into the back of it, but oh boy, you were mistaken…

This Full-Body Suit.

Someday, you will need a skin-tight full-body spandex suit, and you don’t want to be caught without one when the time comes. This one comes in seven colors, so you can dress as the whole rainbow!

This T-Shirt depicting a cat riding a llamacorn.

Yes, that is a llama with a unicorn horn and a cat on its back. And a rainbow in the background. And UFOs. Don’t worry about it. Just wear it everywhere.

This Gigantic Gummy Python.

This gummy python is 8 feet long and weighs twenty-seven pounds. That’s a lot of candy. Like, verging on too much candy. If that’s a thing.

This Sushi Bazooka.

The sushi bazooka has a fun name, but, unfortunately, you don’t use it to shoot sushi into the sky. You do, however, put the rice and the fillings inside to form the perfect sushi roll. It comes with an instructional e-book and a sushi mat, too!

This Female Urination Device.

The Go Girl allows women to pee while standing up. It fits in your purse or your glove compartment and is perfect for those public restroom debacles and side of the road emergencies.

This Cat Butt Tissue Holder.

This is the perfect gift for the cat lady in your life. And, if you are the cat lady in your own life, go ahead. Treat yourself.

This Yodeling Pickle.

This is a yodeling pickle. It’s not anything else. It’s a pickle. That yodels. And you, or someone that you know, would very much like to own it.

These Jellyfish Air Plants.

These are real live plants that hang upside down in your house looking like green jellyfish. They don’t require any soil, just air, water, and care.

These Chambongs.

The Chambong is “glassware for rapid champagne consumption,” which is always a good idea, isn’t it? Yeah, it totally is.

This Light-Up Shower Head.

Bring the club to your shower with this LED light-changing showerhead. It has seven colors that change automatically to make your shower the most fun part of your day.

This Fanny Pack that looks like a man-belly.

The belly bag looks like the beer belly of a dad at a BBQ. This is the perfect gag gift for anyone you know. Who doesn’t love a fanny pack?

These Tiny Hands.

These tiny hand finger puppets are the creepiest way to say hello. You get a set of 10; that’s fifty fingers!

This Exfoliating Foot Peel.

One treatment with the Baby Foot Peel and your feet will be molting like snakes in a matter of days. It’s grossly satisfying and you will love it!

This Pimple Popping Toy.

If you are a fan of the super gross, super satisfying hobby of pimple popping, this toy will be heaven for you. You can refill it with fake pimple pus and enjoy popping over and over again.

Something called Liquid Ass.

Taking things in the opposite direction is this bottle of Liquid Ass. It’s a super gross fart-smelling spray. To use on your worst enemies.

Okay, while on toilet-related topics, let’s get down to the real reason we’re here.

The sand-timer toilet timer.

Now, we all know someone who spends too long on the bog…

And ultimately holds the rest of the household up.

Other than giving them a strict timer on how long they’re allowed to spend in there?

The website’s description explains: “The Toilet Timer is for the poo-crastinator taking their sweet time. This is a sand timer that runs for about five minutes. Help your loved one get back to the people they are trying to avoid.”

The description continues: “The Presidential Toilet Timer comes complete with the golden throne. Where else do you think he sends his tweets? It also includes his wind-swept honey bun hairstyle to match.”

So what’re you waiting for? You can grab yourself a Trump-themed toilet timer here. Thank me later.