If there’s one thing we need more of, it’s love. People should love to love things, from movies to people to ideas to food — it is good when people love things. But sometimes, certain people love something so much or feel like they had to sacrifice to love something and decide that other people do not get to love that thing.
Maybe they were fans of a sports team before that team got good. Maybe they’ve watched a director’s entire filmography before their most recent movie blew up at the box office. Maybe they’re angry people from Philadelphia and can’t believe tourists would dare have an opinion on cheesecake. Whatever the reason, these people see themselves as the gate-keepers to love; the guards at the palace of being a fan; the last line of defense between the unwashed masses and a new passion.
And sometimes, these gatekeepers even make people feel bad for not feeling bad enough. They love to make it clear that until you’ve suffered as much as they have, you haven’t suffered. Who gatekeeps sadness? Check out some of these people who are so angry that they go around telling people why their experiences are not valid.
Boy: I love girls who know about sports.
Girl: I know about sports.
Boy: Oh yeah? Then what’s the blood type of the head coach of the Patriots in 1977
“Think you’re sad now? Just wait until you’re really sad.
On a post about their dog dying:
COMMENTOR 1: Sorry for your loss and I wish you well. But come speak to me when you have kids and lose them.
COMMENTOR 2: Are you gatekeeping being sad?
COMMENTOR 1: People really be grown and still using umbrellas???
COMMENTOR 2: You supposed to become waterproof after you turn 18 or something?
“Mm, not enough hops.”
Sitting in front of a *CrAfT BeEr CoUpLe* at the Twins game and they keep going “THAT’S NOT BEER!” to the poor vendors selling Bud Light. Imagine being so uninteresting you think this counts as a personality.
COMMENTOR 1: $2 is NOT A TIP! $5 is NOT A TIP!
COMMENTOR 2: Anything I give you outside this bill is the tip.
COMMENTOR 1: One-month cigarette free.
COMMENTOR 2: Nine years. Congratulate yourself after two years MINIMUM or be prepared to start the loop again.
COMMENTOR 1: What’s that ONE THING no writer should EVER do?
COMMENTOR 2: No writer should ever write an experience story that isn’t theirs to write. If you’re a straight white dude, you don’t write about the experience of coming out as a trans black girl. Write diverse casts, but don’t write the experience of something that needs to come from another.
COMMENTOR 3: J.K. Rowling wrote about a school boy’s experience and she did pretty well.
I’m divorced. Seven miscarriages. No hope of having any children biologically. My current partner doesn’t want children so we’re not adopting. I have a loving boyfriend and a cat. Today, for the millionth time, I was told “that’s not a family.” You can’t imagine how much that hurts.
From a text message thread:
TEXTER 1: Hey! I loved your tofurkey dinner recipe you shared, how long have you been vegan?
TEXTER 2: Hey thanks! I love making it haha. I’m not a vegan though, I’m sorry.
TEXTER 1: Oh. So you’re like pretending to be a vegan because it’s cool and in? I’ve been vegan for three years now, and it was the best decision I’ve made in my life. It’s not hip or cool. It’s important.
TEXTER 2: Good for you! That’s great! I am not pretending to be a vegan at all, I just like tofu more than most meats.
TEXTER 1: Tofu is strictly for vegans vegetarians. You are basically admitting to appropriating us and stealing what we need for your own selfish use.
Nope! It’s just gamers! Everyone else is okay with it!
COMMENTOR 1: Every gamer’s reaction to finding a blood-covered room: “well that’s not good”
COMMENTOR 2: I am pretty sure that is not exclusive to just gamers.
How about you just stick to your verbal language there, chief.
COMMENTOR 1: Some people think I learned braille for cool points, but I actually learned it because my medicine holder has the days printed in braille and I don’t feel like turning on a light just to see my medication.
COMMENTOR 2: You shouldn’t learn braille if you aren’t blind, it’s rude. Go die.
COMMENTOR 1: Dear diary, today I got a death threat for learning a language.
Guys who drive automatic: my car is automatic.
Guys who drive manual: I will NEVER drive an AUTOMATIC because I’m a REAL DRIVER and I am ONE with my MACHINE after I drive I PUT THE SHIFTER IN MY BUTT because me and my MACHINE ARE ONE.
HEADLINE: Elderly Man Spent 10 Years Turning 150-Ft-Long Hedge Into Giant Dragon
FACEBOOK COMMENTOR: What a waste of time. Go volunteer at a shelter.
Yes, because many restaurant owners hate having *checks notes* business.
TEXTER 1: Are you white?
TEXTER 2: I guess so.
TEXTER 1: But you ate at a Chinese restaurant? You realize Chinese restaurants are often used as local gathering spots for actual Chinese people, right? What makes you think you have the right to barge in there and take up space, in a place that should be a safe space for people of Chinese heritage?
TEXTER 2: They have good noodles.
COMMENTOR 1: I spent $123k and three years at law school just to make sure my first witness was a guy named Tod so I could say “With Tod as my witness!”
COMMENTOR 2: “$123k and three years” *med students laughing in background*
COMMENTOR 1: Yes, because being farther in debt is clearly better.
COMMENTOR 2: All I’m pointing out is you guys think spending three years and $123k in debt is bad when it’s really not compared to medical students where the majority is over half a MILLION in debt and you need 8+ years of school.
The year is 2540, a student in history class notices something off about his textbook. “How come these textbooks skip the years 1990 through 1999?” The teacher puts his air-marker down on the table, lowers his head, and sighs. “Because…” he lifts his head, a single tear rolls down his cheek, “… only ’90s kids remember the ’90s.”
There was a whole ceremony and everything.
It’s not a true long-distance relationship until it’s day time for one and night for the other.
What time do you wake up?
 5 AM
 6 AM
 7 AM
 I am a useless member of society.
Coincidentally, the moment I stopped caring about new Pokemon is the same moment everyone else stopped caring about new Pokemon. Crazy how that worked out.
Eight-year-old sitting behind me at Detective Pikachu: “Look Dad! It’s a Pancham!”
1. No one cares about Pokemon after the 3rd generation.
2. Stop talking.
COMMENTOR 1: Worst example of cultural appropriation ever: LGBTs stole the rainbow from God. It’s his. He invented it. Gen. 9:11-17. Give it back.
COMMENTOR 2: One of my favorite things about pride month is celebrating the many achievements of the LGBTQ community, like when we collectively stole the rainbow from God.
DON’T. SAY. Y’ALL. IF. YOU. AIN’T. FROM. THE. SOUTH.
Wow, C-section moms had it easy. I had to push a six lb., 6 oz. baby out of my vagina. you just had the bottom of your stomach cut open and the baby taken out. Must be nice to take the easy way out of labor. At least I’m a real mom.
I have a lot of pet peeves but I think the biggest one is when people say things like “Oh, it’s such a small town, only 35,000 people.” Like, c’mon my town has 200 people, you need to pick a new adjective.
Regarding an Earthquake in Utah:
2.6? Aren’t you cute.
COMMENTOR 1: How are grown adults that are almost if not 30 still going to Electric Daisy Carnival…
COMMENTOR 2: Shh. Let people enjoy things.
COMMENTOR 1: People who watch Narcos and think they’re “learning Spanish” are so adorable.
COMMENTOR 2: Never said I was learning Spanish from Narcos, I was taking a GCSE course in Spanish when I watched it.
COMMENTOR 1: Good, ’cause you weren’t.
HEADLINE: Instagram Is Now Officially the Worst Social Media Network for Bullying
COMMENTOR: This generation would not last a second in Xbox 360 game chat [facepalm emoji]
Invalid types of nerd:
– beer nerd
– TV nerd
– sports nerd
– coffee nerd
– skincare nerd (come on)
– Instagram nerd (what?)
Valid types of nerd:
– chess nerd
– grammar nerd (valid but annoying)
– math nerd (aka math freak)
– Rubix cube nerd
– cartography nerd
HEADLINE: Ladies, Nike Shorts and Leggings Are For the Gym, Nowhere Else
Honestly White Claws are overrated. I don’t care if they’re low-calorie and get you drunk. You know what else gets you drunk and is low calories? Taking tequila shots like an adult.