Happy New Year everyone! As the saying goes, new year, new you. I’m sure many of us are trying to be happier and healthier in the new year, but something that’s new on a lot of people’s lists is a bit sobering.
This isn’t going to be an in-depth article on the science of alcohol consumption and how it’s all killing us. There are more qualified people than me to write on that subject. But nonetheless, it’s 2019 and a lot of people are trying their darndest to put down that bottle. Why? Well, let’s just say there’s a reason you don’t see calorie counters on bottles of beer.
Cutting out, or even just limiting drinking can often be an easier way to drop the pounds you’re hoping to shed this year. And it might just lead to you being a happier, less depressed person overall.
So if you do find yourself reaching for that glass of wine after work, or maybe going a little too hard on the weekends, here are a few relatable reasons to be sober-curious in the new year.
1. You’ve stopped becoming everyone’s “funny drunk friend” and have just become everyone’s “drunk friend.”
It happens slowly, but then all of a sudden, people stop laughing when you pee your leggings next to a cop car and start rolling your eyes at the police officer who’s standing literally next to you.
But then you remember that it’s 2019, and you’ve been in the same job for the last four years with no hope of escape.
And that’s what it means to be sober-curious.
You want to stop drinking, but like, life finds a way to get you drunk one way or another.
2. You’re tired of waking up with a hangover that feels like you fast-forwarded to your 50s, put three kids through college and almost ended your marriage.
Nothing better than the “suddenly adult” hangover.
Over the holidays I started getting a hangover while I was drinking. That didn’t seem particularly healthy.
But then you remember it’s 2019 and you’re still on your parent’s insurance because how else could you afford it?
Didn’t they use to treat injuries with alcohol back in the day?
Who needs insurance when I can finish a bottle of sangria in less than twenty-five minutes?
3. You remembered that you’re poor like the rest of us.
Who can even afford to drink regularly?
True story– last time I got properly drunk I was playing Rock Band and thought it would be funny the hurl the guitar into the TV.
It broke and I had to spend about $600 to replace it.
But then you remember it’s 2019 and Costco will sell you a hot tub full of pretty good vodka for like $15.
Shoutout to Costco for fueling my alcoholism. Couldn’t do it without them.
Kirkland brand vodka is not sponsoring this article, because if it did, I would have taken a bath in vodka and written about what that’s like instead.
But if anyone from Costco is reading this, I have some ideas.
4. You’re tired of the look your dog gives you as he drags your drunk butt to bed and tucks you in for the third time this week.
He gives you that look that says “your drinking means nothing to me, I’m just happy I can year your leftover takeout.”
But then you remember it’s 2019 and the only real fun you have is dressing up your dog for funny snaps, and it’s like way sadder if you do that sober.
It goes from “I’m drunk and I love my dog” to “I’m about to become a cat lady” real fast.
5. You’ve gained 15lbs in the last three years, and the only thing to explain it is “anxiety whiskey.”
We’re going to leave it at that and move on.
But then you remember it’s 2019 and it’s your right to get messed up to mask your political depression.
America has never been more beautiful than when you look at it through an empty wine bottle.
6. When you went home for the holidays, you said hello to free wine before saying Hi to grandma.
But to be fair, it’s not often you get free booze, and you’ve known grandma for like your whole life.
But then you remember it’s 2019 and Global Warming isn’t a hoax perpetrated by the Chinese.
Does alcohol production or consumption have a major impact on carbon emissions? No? Pass the tequila. I’m in a mood.
7. You reached your limit at 4 pm on New Years but decided you’d “find a new limit.”
New Year, a new limit. That’s what I always say.
Sometimes it goes down, most of the time it goes up. You know the drill.
But then you remember it’s 2019 and the only person to kiss at midnight was your dog– and you didn’t hate it.
Is this list getting too depressing?
We should change the title of the article to “Reasons to keep on truckin’ in 2019.”
8. You’ve stopped avoiding your parent’s phone calls even when it’s mid-afternoon on a Sunday and you’re already a bit boozy.
“The priest must have put a little something extra in the church wine” works every time for me.
I’m off the hook, and my mom thinks I’ve actually been to church.
But then you remember it’s 2019 and no amount of church can save you at this point.
Because, let’s be honest, we’ve all said some messed up stuff in the last two years. Some of it warranted, some of it not.
9. The last time you went to the doctor, they asked you one too many questions about your drinking habits.
Which is a little unfair because my mom was in the room (insurance) so like do you really think I’m going to tell you, “yes I drink most weeknights.”
But then you remember it’s 2019 and there’s no more Shamu at Sea World.
Which like– don’t get me wrong– it’s definitely a good thing, but I still feel bad about it.
Or was I the only one that wanted to be a trainer at Sea World?
10. You’ve stopped trying to meet new people at bars and just sit quietly, alone, trying to remember that guy in high school who was kinda cute so you can stalk him on facebook while you wait for the day to end.
That was specific.
I’m writing this in a vacuum right now. Please tell me I’m not the only one that does all of these things. Because if I am, that will just give me one more reason to finish this glass of red wine.
But then you remember it’s 2019 and women still don’t have control of their own bodies in many parts of the world.
And this article just took a turn for the political. But that’s okay because it’s 2019, and we all just yell at each other for no reason anyway. We should be used to it!
11. You’re drunk right now.
High five! We both have a problem, and we should focus on fixing that problem in the coming year.
Sobriety is way healthier anyway.
But then you remember it’s 2019 and you’re still not really sure if love is real?
There’s like a point where you have to look at the romantic lives of the role models in your life and wonder if they even felt love. And that’s a dark moment.
It’s like finding out that Santa isn’t real– but as an adult.
12. The guy at your local liquor store gave you a little nod the last time you walked in.
Which I REALLY don’t need right now.
I always wanted to be a regular at a bar or a coffee shop. I thought it would be fun to go in and order “the usual,” One day it actually happened, at my grocery store deli– with broccoli salad. That’s when I realized I was an embarrassment.
But then you remember it’s 2019 and you still kinda miss that broccoli salad.
And they don’t have that same broccoli salad at your new deli. But they do have the same $5 bottle of wine. So what are you going to do?
13. You got pulled over once and got a little nervous because of how much you drank the night before.
Okay, this might actually be a real line in the sand.
But then you remember it’s 2019 and– okay, maybe it’s time for a change.
Being sober curious doesn’t have to mean you’re cutting out drinking forever.
Just like being bi-curious doesn’t mean you’re always hooking up with people of the same sex left and right.
It just means flirting with sobriety a little more than you did in 2018.
And that’s okay. Life is hard, and the only way we improve is incrementally.
And hey, maybe that means that in 2020 we can be fully bi-sober.
Or is it sober-sexual? This analogy wasn’t robust enough to continue down this rabbit hole, but you know what I mean.
Be sober half the time, and sauced the other half.
Stop making resolutions and start making goals.
Resolutions are stupid and we all break them by March anyway.
Goals can have milestones, goals can be accomplished.
So here’s to flirting with sobriety in 2019.
It’ll be a healthier, happier year if we do. And who knows, maybe by 2020 we won’t need to drink as much anyway.