Who needs a spouse? | 22 Words

If you're anything like me, you routinely wake up in bed alone, wishing you could just wrap your arms around a nice, warm... loaf of bread. I'm not saying it's not weird, I'm not saying there's not something wrong with me, I'm just saying I love bread more than any human on this planet, and if I could cuddle a baguette every morning, I would. And if that rings true with you, boy have I got news.

Now even you can feel like an adorable little mouse that snuck its way into the kitchen of every Olive Garden in America and snuggle up with your very own Unlimited Bread Stick. And I know what you're thinking. 1) Will I have to sell my house to acquire such a pastry? And 2) how fast do I have to eat and replenish so I don't have a moldy roll?

Take a chill pill, we'll get there.

But first, let's talk about bread.

Why? You're asking. And that's a totally valid question. Except it isn't.

First, because I think it's important.

Bread is an undervalued commodity, and it deserves respect.

Second, because we need to get in the mood for what's about to come.

You can't just go into this thing without a little foreplay. No one wants that.

And third, look at all these bread GIFs that would go to waste if we didn't.

I don't even get what's happening here, but I want it to happen to me. Every day.

Oh look, a bed made out of bread, how relevant.

See, GIFs are an important means of communication. And while you couldn't possibly afford enough bread to make a new Wonder Bed every night, we have the next best thing.

You've probably guessed what it is by now.

Or, you know, read the title and saw the image at the very top. But we're not here for logic, we're here for bread.

Just like Aladdin. OG Aladdin, not Blue Genie Aladdin.

I mean, he loved bread so much he was willing to go to jail for it.

Just like our pal Jean Valjean.

And I know that's pizza and not bread, but like 80% of pizza is crust so get over it.

This is what I want to do every night when I get home from work.

And right now, I can't do that. That's not okay.

I want one of these to snuggle up to.

And now, I (and you, don't worry) can!

Every night is going to look like this.

No, this product won't turn you into a loaf of bread -- not even if you want it to.

And no, it doesn't come with cheese.

As nice as that sounds, God, it would just get everywhere.

I'm talkin just straight up normal everyday wonderful bread.

In my bed. And hopefully as an extension, in my dreams.

Okay, are you ready for the big reveal?

Btw, NBC's Superstore, that's not an Olive Garden and I wish I could sue you because of it.

Okay, sound the trumpets, because you're gonna want to see this.

It's not even an American product, I just thought the flags were important.

Ta-Da!

via: Amazon

Isn't she beautiful? The bread, not the woman in the photo.

This is an approximation of my internal monologue when I saw that photo.

I want to fill my apartment with these dumb things. And the reality is -- you can.

This pillow only costs $10!

via: Amazon

That feels like stealing. I couldn't get a bread that big for $10. And this thing will last way longer than a bread.

And here's the other thing. This isn't the only size.

via: Amazon

No, the sizes don't get bigger, you monster. They get cuter.

Here's the medium size.

via: Amazon

It's a cozy 23.6 inches. Perfect for like an airplane or emergencies.

And this lil guy? He's only 11.8 inches.

via: Amazon

Perfect for the car or a giant purse. I don't know! I'm sure there's a use for it!

The normal size is 31.5 inches which is body-pillow size.

via: Amazon

Because who needs a relationship when there's a giant loaf of bread in your bed? Answer: no one. At least that's what my therapist tells me. She's not very good.

Slight detour, but Amazon is also selling these Loaf Slippers and I thought you should know about them too.

via: Amazon

Here's what people are saying.

I hated this pun so much I felt like I needed to share it.

This seems like a simple ask.

Unfortunately, the answer is no. French loaf is the only option.

Let's. Get. It.

Honestly, that phrase is the only thing that's gotten me out of bed in 2019. And now with this pillow, I'm afraid I might not do that again.

Please don't slice this pillow.

You will not be able to eat it. You will be sad.

Donate this bread.

If this is the only 'money' I make in 2019, do I still have to file taxes next year?

Who needs a spouse?

I actually just texted my girlfriend and broke up with her. She's gonna flip when I change my profile picture to a photo of me and this bread in bed.

In conclusion...

Bread is great, all hail bread. Bread 2020 (you think I'm joking but golden brown is a more palatable color than orange).