Cats (the musical) is coming, and we can either run away and hide under the bed, or embrace it like the strong, independent felines we all are. If you're totally unfamiliar with Andrew Lloyd Webber's absolutely insane musical about a bunch of singing cats (like I was before this whole thing started), I'm going to help you out. You too can crash in nose deep to whatever insane, creepy, cat-lover's paradise this movie will be.
From cats that can sing and dance, to cats that I'm pretty sure exist just to become memes, we're about to take a deep dive into one of the weirdest movies on 2019 and have a blast while doing so. So queue up your favorite performance of Memory, and get ready to dive in head-first to this mystery of a movie.
Let's start off with the characters, and then maybe we'll get into some of the *NO SPOILERS* plot.
THIS IS VICTORIA! SHE IS THE BALLERINA KITTEN! SHE IS PURE OF HEART AND IS THE FIRST CAT TO TOUCH GRIZABELLA! MORE… https://t.co/H5LF0Z0vxq— hannah woodhead (@hannah woodhead)1563529195.0
Ah yes, the Judi Dench cat. Every movie needs one of those.
THIS IS OLD DEUTERONOMY! ORIGINALLY PLAYED BY BRIAN BLESSED! JUDI DENCH IS THE ONLY SUITABLE REPLACEMENT! HE IS THE… https://t.co/2Wfey28mt1— hannah woodhead (@hannah woodhead)1563529293.0
Okay, update. Grizabella is a cat.
THIS IS GRIZABELLA! SHE SINGS MEMORY! SHE IS OSTRACISED FOR SOME REASON THAT IS NEVER QUITE EXPLAINED! SHE WAS ORIG… https://t.co/VEgYus230g— hannah woodhead (@hannah woodhead)1563529443.0
What I'm not okay with is James Cordon in any capacity outside of the driver's seat of a car.
THIS IS BUSTOPHER JONES, THE PORTLY GENTLEMAN CAT. HE WAS ALSO ORIGINALLY PLAYED BY BRIAN BLESSED. I HATE JAMES COR… https://t.co/9wTcNDhHp2— hannah woodhead (@hannah woodhead)1563529571.0
How do I become this next cat?
THIS IS RUM TUM TUGGER, THE CAT WHO FUCKS. THAT'S LITERALLY IT. THAT'S HIS STORY https://t.co/SHFm5C1pgo— hannah woodhead (@hannah woodhead)1563529739.0
This cat has the word "Cavity" in his name, so he's automatically my least favorite cat.
THIS IS MACAVITY. HE IS THE 'EVIL CAT' WHO DOESN'T SING. HE JUST SORT OF HANGS AROUND LOOKING MENACING SO ACTUALLY… https://t.co/zX5AUfolU5— hannah woodhead (@hannah woodhead)1563529819.0
Ian McKellen is in this movie and plays an adorable cat. So I'm seeing it opening night.
THIS IS GUS, THE THEATRE CAT. IT'S SHORT FOR ASPARAGUS. HE IS AN ELDERLY AND FRAIL FORMER ACTOR CAT WHO LIKES TO TA… https://t.co/0ABw55Hq6W— hannah woodhead (@hannah woodhead)1563529995.0
I can't not see Taylor Swift. #sorrynotsorry.
THIS IS BOMBALURINA, THE ~FLIRTY~ CAT. PLEASE REMEMBER TO SPAY AND NEUTER YOUR CATS BECAUSE AN UNSPAYED FEMALE CAT… https://t.co/nPTr8IXqqE— hannah woodhead (@hannah woodhead)1563530112.0
I swear everyone and their mom is in this movie. What is this cast?!
THIS IS JELLYANYDOTS. SHE IS THOUGHT TO BE A LAZY CAT BUT ACTUALLY RULES ALL THE MICE AND COCKROACHES AND MAKES THE… https://t.co/DAJzW3HoXF— hannah woodhead (@hannah woodhead)1563530257.0
This cat has the second-best song in the musical, and I don't give a crap.
THIS IS MAGICAL MR. MISTOFFOLEES. HE HAS THE SECOND BEST SONG IN THE MUSICAL. HE IS A MAGICIAN AND KNOWS SLEIGHT OF… https://t.co/c7qWh7jIxk— hannah woodhead (@hannah woodhead)1563530405.0
How many characters are there in this freaking musical?
I AM FAIRLY SURE THESE ARE RUMPLETEAZER AND MUNGOJERRIE, THE CAT BURGLAR TWINS. THEY'RE FUN https://t.co/0ZPTbIz3a4— hannah woodhead (@hannah woodhead)1563530947.0
If this character doesn't open up a storybook and start telling us the story of Cats, I'll be really upset.
THIS IS MUNKUSTRAP, THE STORYTELLER. JUDGING BY THE TRAILER HE IS 500% DONE WITH YOUR BULLSHIT https://t.co/37GSFqXWTq— hannah woodhead (@hannah woodhead)1563531040.0
Oh, look. A mystery!
I HAVE A *FEELING* THIS IS GROWLTIGER. HE IS A ROLE PLAYED BY GUS THE THEATRE CAT IN HIS YOUTH. USUALLY PORTRAYED A… https://t.co/6noGB4AQks— hannah woodhead (@hannah woodhead)1563531224.0
Of course, there's a railway cat.
^ HOWEVER....IT COULD ALWAYS BE SKIMBLESHANKS, THE RAILWAY CAT. IF IT IS, AND THEY'RE REMOVED HIS ICONIC WAISTCOAT,… https://t.co/u2zpV8OCVX— hannah woodhead (@hannah woodhead)1563531415.0
Of phew, they ditched the coat for the movie.
MOTHERFUCKER, IT *IS* SKIMBLESHANKS. HE'S GOT HIS STATION HAT ON. OKAY WELL, ANYWAY, STATION CATS ARE A GREAT TRADI… https://t.co/YiMMaphCP5— hannah woodhead (@hannah woodhead)1563531811.0
Okay, so what the heck do all of these cats even do in this musical?Well, lucky for you, I've got the inside scoop on some plot details for a musical that came out thirty-eight years ago, based on a book that came out eighty years ago. Yes, Cats is based on a book of poetry.
Let's dive in.
SO our story begins on the night of the Jellicle Ball™! The cats begin to frolick on their oversized stage and then… https://t.co/JZaHEZnKrl— hannah woodhead (@hannah woodhead)1563573075.0
Or maybe everyone in this musical is terrifying and that's part of the appeal.
Honestly the introductions take a very long time? Like everyone has a song it’s literally the musical equivelent of… https://t.co/xwj5sTGHlx— hannah woodhead (@hannah woodhead)1563573187.0
So something bad has to happen, right?
With all the introductions done, the cats have their ball. It goes well. Until Macavity turns up and kidnaps the le… https://t.co/OM0vlauelp— hannah woodhead (@hannah woodhead)1563573572.0
Don't you dare
kidnap catnap Judi Dench. She's a god!
Macavity returns disguised as Old Deuteronomy to fuck with the cats some more but they ain’t having it. So they hav… https://t.co/2yWmgiPyKF— hannah woodhead (@hannah woodhead)1563573758.0
So how do they save Judi Dench? Through the power of love or something?
So they prevail upon MaGicAl Mr MiStoFfoLeEs, the magician cat, who brings back Old Deuteronomy THRU THE POWER OF D… https://t.co/oxKJiNxsBM— hannah woodhead (@hannah woodhead)1563573879.0
This is where I get lost.
With Old Deuteronomy back in business, it’s time to make The Jellicle Choice™ which will enable one of the Jellicle… https://t.co/3gA8VrHZI8— hannah woodhead (@hannah woodhead)1563574017.0
It's about time for a twist.
BUT THEN....GRIZABELLA RETURNS https://t.co/hJ4io8ZSNX— hannah woodhead (@hannah woodhead)1563574101.0
Wait, why did she come back?
She belts out Memory (the one song every theatre kid would insist on performing every talent show) and honestly it’… https://t.co/yeWkNqdfeg— hannah woodhead (@hannah woodhead)1563574248.0
Okay, then what?
AND THAT, MY FRIENDS, IS CATS. https://t.co/Lwv3zJ3KYr— hannah woodhead (@hannah woodhead)1563574335.0
I need more.
P.S In case you aren't a nerd, know that the musical CATS is based on Old Possum's Book of Practical Cats, T.S Elio… https://t.co/YlV8W0faAs— hannah woodhead (@hannah woodhead)1563574725.0
This describes me accurately.
me explaining in great detail the concept of the musical cats: twitter: https://t.co/GqO781T5bN— hannah woodhead (@hannah woodhead)1563633087.0
This has concluded our coverage of Cats: the Musical.
A few people have complained that introducing the Cats of Cats defeats the purpose of Cats. An alternative take: I… https://t.co/X8ou14uXMc— hannah woodhead (@hannah woodhead)1564088045.0