Chrissy Teigen Describes Heart Wrenching Moment She Said Goodbye to Son Jack | 22 Words

Chrissy Teigen has broken her social media silence and penned a deeply personal essay on losing her son Jack, describing the heartwrenching moment she was told to say goodbye.

It's been just a few weeks since Chrissy Teigen released those heartbreaking photos of her son, Jack's stillbirth.

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The distraught mom made the emotional announcement to fans that her son had passed away, and it was utterly devastating to read.

And following the loss, the pair have been pretty silent on their social media while they grieve.

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But, now, Chrissy Teigen has broken her silence.

The star has penned a lengthy personal essay for Medium on losing Jack.

In it, she addressed a number of things, including describing the harrowing moment she was told to say goodbye.

Chrissy Teigen and John Legend are Hollywood's sweethearts and long-standing idols in the parenting community.

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The pair got together over a decade ago and have gone from strength to strength ever since.

After 4 years of dating, John was down on one knee...

"We get to the Maldives and he had planned this beautiful Christmas. He knows how much I love Christmas…And this waiter comes out with a silver dome for dessert…So he opens up the dome and a ton of arugula falls out and then I kind of fish in it…And I see the little box and then you know, your heart stops and you get so excited," Chrissy explained in an interview. "There was no big grand speech or anything. I think it was just very lovely and sweet."

The pair got hitched on September 14, 2013, in Lake Como.

But they (legally) got married in an NYC courthouse, a day before traveling to Italy.

They have since cemented themselves as a firm Hollywood power couple.

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The two are a pivotal part of the celebrity scene and their fans lap it up (especially where Chrissy's relatable social media posts are concerned... let's be honest, she's comedy gold!)

All in all, they are truly relationship goals...

And their little family is simply the cutest.

The couple share 2 children together...

Chrissy gave birth to their daughter, Luna Simone Stephens, on April 14, 2016, and son, Miles Theodore Stephens, on May 16, 2018.

Chrissy regularly posts about family life on Instagram...

And by that, we mean she posts the ins and outs of being a mom.

The couple made the exciting announcement they were having another baby a few months ago...

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Via music video. The video was for John's new track, "Wild", and it showed the couple on a white linen bed on the beach.

Some of the lyrics include:

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"I wanna drive you wild, wild, wild. I wanna love you for miles and miles. We can go slow, we don't need to rush. I'll take the wheel, make you feel every touch. I wanna drive you wild, wild, wild."

But, as the song draws to a close...

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We get an unexpected, yet very exciting shot of the pair.

A pregnancy bump.

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Yep, the Legends were officially going to be a family of 5.

At the end of the video, their 2 other children join in the fun...

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And they all walk towards the ocean together as a family.

It was a beautiful video...

And clearly, the family was overjoyed at the prospect of a new arrival.

However, Chrissy faced a hard few months of the pregnancy.

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Because we all know how tiring it is to be pregnant! But luckily for her, 4-year-old Luna was on hand to make life as easy as possible.

Luna was very hands-on at the ultra-sound...

And she even held the transducer over her mom's stomach that allowed the family to see the outline and heartbeat of the baby!

Luna took things to the next level when it came to looking after her mom.

Chrissy was placed on "super serious bed rest" due to a weak placenta and little Luna had been running around making sure her mom doesn't lift a finger.

The little girl had been running baths for her mom every day...

And Chrissy shared an adorable snap of Luna washing her hair. "Every day she makes me a warm (not hot, chill!) bath and refuses to let me wash my own hair 😩 girls, man. @johnlegend how did we get so lucky with lulu??" she wrote.

But sadly, it seems that Luna's efforts to look after her mom were to little avail.

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Reports came in recently that Chrissy had been hospitalized.

The star took to social media to update her worried fans.

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"So, we all know I've been on bed rest for a few weeks. And that's like super serious bed rest, like get up to quickly pee and that's it. I would take baths twice a week, no showering. I was always, always bleeding... I'm about halfway through pregnancy and blood has been going for a month...maybe a little less than a month. But we're talking more than your period, girls, but definitely not spotting. A lot of people spot and it's usually fine. Mine was a lot."

She went on to explain that every time she would go to the bathroom, there would be blood.

"But honestly, just laying there would be blood," she said. "But today, the big difference was that it kind of was like if you were to turn a faucet onto low and leave it there. It's so weird because I feel really good... I'm usually at my happiest pregnant, mood-wise. I feel happier than I do not pregnant. That's why it's so hard for me to come to terms with. It was at the point today where it was never stopping bleeding."

Chrissy went on to urge doctors on social media to stop trying to diagnose her.

"You have to trust me that I have very good doctors who know what they're doing, who know the entire story," she said. "There's so much more than you can ever imagine. I share a lot, but not absolutely everything. So trust me when I say they know and I just want to keep things so simple for you guys."

"I guess in the simplest of terms, we can say my placenta is really, really weak."

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"But I feel really good. The baby is so healthy, growing stronger than Luna or Miles. He moves a lot. He moves so much earlier than they ever did. He's strong. I'm so excited for him because he's so wonderful, the strongest little dude. So, I can't wait for him."

But it seems that all of these complications were a sign.

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And it was announced shortly afterwards that Chrissy and John tragically lost their third unborn child.

Chrissy and John had already settled on a name for their little boy.

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"We never decide on our babies’ names until the last possible moment after they’re born, just before we leave the hospital.  But we, for some reason, had started to call this little guy in my belly Jack.  So he will always be Jack to us.  Jack worked so hard to be a part of our little family, and he will be, forever."

She apologized to her son...

"To our Jack - I’m so sorry that the first few moments of your life were met with so many complications, that we couldn’t give you the home you needed to survive.  We will always love you. Thank you to everyone who has been sending us positive energy, thoughts and prayers.  We feel all of your love and truly appreciate you."

Chrissy then acknowledged the things that she and John are grateful for...

"We are so grateful for the life we have, for our wonderful babies Luna and Miles, for all the amazing things we’ve been able to experience.  But every day can’t be full of sunshine.  On this darkest of days, we will grieve, we will cry our eyes out. But we will "hug and love each other harder and get through it."

And, just a few weeks after she shared these heartbreaking photos from her stillbirth...

Chrissy has returned to social media to share an essay she wrote for Medium.

In the deeply personal piece simply titled "Hi," the star starts off by explaining that she didn't know when she would be ready to address her son's death.

"I had no idea when I would be ready to write this. Part of me thought it would be early on, when I was still really feeling the pain of what happened. I thought I would sit in the corner of my bedroom with the lights dimmed, just rolling off my thoughts. I’d have a glass of red wine, cozy up with a blanket, and finally get the chance to address 'what happened'."

"Instead, I’m writing from the downstairs couch, still cozied up in a blanket but buzzing from a morning of friends and fried chicken."

"I’m reading off countless notes from my phone — thoughts that have randomly popped up in the weeks since."

She took some time to thank fans for their support...

"I didn’t really know how I would start this, no matter the room or state I was in, but it feels right to begin with a thank you. For weeks, our floors have been covered in flowers of kindness. "Notes have flooded in and have each been read with our own teary eyes. Social media messages from strangers have consumed my days, most starting with, 'you probably won’t read this, but…'. I can assure you, I did."

She continued.

"But I will tell you, some of the best letters started with, “You don’t have to respond to this, but…". After we first lost Jack, I found myself incredibly worried that I wasn’t able to thank everyone for their extreme kindness. Many shared incredible personal experiences, some shared books, and poems."

She admitted to being in no state to reply to kind messages...

"I wanted to thank everyone, share our story with each individual person. But I knew I was in no state to. For me, the 'no need to respond' note was such a true relief. I thank you for each and every one of those."

She then moved onto talking about the day she lost Jack.

"One of the standout moments from that morning (or evening? I have no idea) was me going through the halls of labor and delivery, and John saying “What, is there a f**king party going on here??" Here we were, just wheeled down to a new floor, me covered in a thin blanket to hide, knowing I was about to fully deliver what was supposed to be the 5th member of our beautiful family, a son, only to say goodbye moments later. "People cheered and laughed right outside our door, understandably for a new life born and celebrated. You kind of wonder how anyone is thinking about anyone but you."

Chrissy explained that she was admitted to hospital after persistent bleeding and multiple blood transfusions, and diagnosed with partial placenta abruption.

"At this point I had already come to terms with what would happen: I would have an epidural and be induced to deliver our 20 week old, a boy that would have never survived in my belly (please excuse these simple terms). "I was previously on bedrest for over a month, just trying to get the little dude to 28 weeks, a “safer" zone for the fetus. My doctors diagnosed me with partial placenta abruption. I had always had placenta problems. I had to deliver Miles a month early because his stomach wasn’t getting enough food from my placenta. But this was my first abruption. We monitored it very closely, hoping for things to heal and stop."

She continued.

"In bed, I bled and bled, lightly but all day, changing my own diapers every couple of hours when the blood got uncomfortable to lay in. I actually became an adult diaper expert for my own personal entertainment, truly appreciating the brands that went out of their way to not make me feel like an actual sh**ting baby. "Some were blush-colored, with drawn delicate flowers. I got to the point where I was actually like, “hell yeah, throw me the pink ones!" — something I never thought I’d be excited for. But there we were."

"I could have spent these days at the hospital, but not much of a difference would have been made. I was still seen by doctors at home, silently twisting their negative words into positives, thinking that everything might still turn out okay."

"Finally, I had a pretty bad night in bed, after a not-so-great ultrasound, where I was bleeding a bit more than even my abnormal amount. My bleeding was getting heavier and heavier. The fluid around Jack had become very low — he was barely able to float around. At some points, I swore it was so low I could lay on my back and feel his arms and legs from outside my belly."

She also explained why she took those heartbreaking photos.

"I had asked my mom and John to take pictures, no matter how uncomfortable it was. I explained to a very hesitant John that I needed them, and that I did NOT want to have to ever ask. That he just had to do it. He hated it. I could tell. "It didn’t make sense to him at the time. But I knew I needed to know of this moment forever, the same way I needed to remember us kissing at the end of the aisle, the same way I needed to remember our tears of joy after Luna and Miles. And I absolutely knew I needed to share this story."

"I cannot express how little I care that you hate the photos."

"How little I care that it’s something you wouldn’t have done. I lived it, I chose to do it, and more than anything, these photos aren’t for anyone but the people who have lived this or are curious enough to wonder what something like this is like. These photos are only for the people who need them. The thoughts of others do not matter to me."

She then described the heartwrenching moment she was told it was time to say goodbye.

"After a couple nights at the hospital, my doctor told me exactly what I knew was coming — it was time to say goodbye. "He just wouldn’t survive this, and if it went on any longer, I might not either. We had tried bags and bags of blood transfusions, every single one going right through me like we hadn’t done anything at all."

"Late one night, I was told it would be time to let go in the morning."

"I cried a little at first, then went into full-blown convulsions of snot and tears, my breath not able to catch up with my own incredibly deep sadness. Even as I write this now, I can feel the pain all over again. Oxygen was placed over my nose and mouth, and that was the first picture you saw. Utter and complete sadness."

"After hours, I was able to relax, and decided I wanted to wait until I really, really knew it was over."

"I stupidly compared it to dogs I had “put down" in the past — how I never wanted to let go until we absolutely knew it was time, that they were suffering far too much. I texted this to my doctor and she said 'absolutely.' "Later that night, I went to the bathroom, looked down into the toilet (I had been doing this for months), and broke down again. The sheer amount of blood and clots showed me exactly what I had been waiting for. It was time."

"I’m not sure I’ll ever forget the experience."

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"I’m not sure I’ll ever forget the experience. I had always laughed about how much I loved epidurals…not so much this one. I laid there for hours, waiting to be told it was time to push. I obviously never had to dilate much, he was still a tiny little guy. "I had been laying on my side, switching sides every hour or so, whenever the nurse told me to. I remember laying on my right side, looking opposite of John, when I was told to make my switch. I opened my legs and started to turn to face John and just like that, he was on his way out. The doctors yelled for a bit and…I don’t know what to say, even now. He was out."

"My mom, John, and I each held him and said our own private goodbyes, mom sobbing through Thai prayer."

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"I asked the nurses to show me his hands and feet and I kissed them over and over and over again. I have no idea when I stopped. It could have been 10 minutes or an hour."

"I dunno how long he had been waiting to be delivered for. That will probably always haunt me."

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"Just writing it makes my nose and eyes tingle with tears. All I know now is his ashes are in a small box, waiting to be put into the soil of a tree in our new home, the one we got with his room in mind."

"People say an experience like this creates a hole in your heart. A hole was certainly made, but it was filled with the love of something I loved so much. It doesn’t feel empty, this space. It feels full."

"Maybe *too* bursting full, actually. I find myself randomly crying, thinking about how happy I am to have two insanely wonderful little toddlers who fill this house with love. I smother them with love while they “Moooooooom!!!!!" me. I don’t care."

"I also cry when I get mad at myself for being too happy."

"Sometimes I read things that make me gut laugh, or see an Instagram post worthy of a like (yes, I’m gone but I’ve still been creeping!). And, I always forget I’m not pregnant anymore. I hold my belly when I walk around. I have a moment of freak out when the kids jump on my non-existent bump. The clarity after these moments always make me sad. "I feel bad our grief was so public because I made the joy so public. I was excited to share our news with the world. Stories leading up to this had been chronicled for all. It’s hard to look at them now. I was so positive it would be okay. I feel bad that I made you all feel bad. I always will."

You can read the full essay below.

Our thoughts go out to Chrissy and John at this difficult time.