0days0hours0minutes0seconds

Chrissy Teigen recently opened up about the aftermath of losing her son, Jack, and her transparency has comforted moms everywhere...

This comes after the social media star started going to therapy more regularly.

Her heartbreaking comments show the real and painful recovery after losing a child, and she hasn't held back.

It has now been 3 months since Teigen released those heartbreaking photos of her son, Jack's stillbirth.

The distraught mom made the emotional announcement to fans that her son had passed away, and it was utterly devastating to read.

She and her husband John Legend were initially silent on social media while they grieved...

But now, Teigen has bravely explained her feelings on the entire ordeal.

But her most recent post saw her in her most vulnerable form...

Keep scrolling to have a look for yourselves.

Now, of course, when she announced the pair had lost their third child, it was utterly heartwrenching to read.

via: Instagram

Chrissy and John had already settled on a name for their little boy. "We never decide on our babies’ names until the last possible moment after they’re born, just before we leave the hospital.  But we, for some reason, had started to call this little guy in my belly Jack.  So he will always be Jack to us.  Jack worked so hard to be a part of our little family, and he will be, forever."

Chrissy apologized to her son...

via: Instagram

"To our Jack - I’m so sorry that the first few moments of your life were met with so many complications, that we couldn’t give you the home you needed to survive.  We will always love you. Thank you to everyone who has been sending us positive energy, thoughts, and prayers.  We feel all of your love and truly appreciate you."

Chrissy then acknowledged the things that she and John are grateful for...

"We are so grateful for the life we have, for our wonderful babies Luna and Miles, for all the amazing things we’ve been able to experience.  But every day can’t be full of sunshine.  On this darkest of days, we will grieve, we will cry our eyes out. But we will "hug and love each other harder and get through it."

And, just a few weeks after she shared the heartbreaking photos from her stillbirth...

Chrissy returned to social media to share an essay she wrote for Medium.

In the deeply personal piece simply titled "Hi," the star starts off by explaining that she didn't know when she would be ready to address her son's death.

"I had no idea when I would be ready to write this. Part of me thought it would be early on, when I was still really feeling the pain of what happened. I thought I would sit in the corner of my bedroom with the lights dimmed, just rolling off my thoughts. I’d have a glass of red wine, cozy up with a blanket, and finally get the chance to address 'what happened'."

"Instead, I’m writing from the downstairs couch, still cozied up in a blanket but buzzing from a morning of friends and fried chicken."

"I’m reading off countless notes from my phone — thoughts that have randomly popped up in the weeks since."

She took some time to thank fans for their support...

"I didn’t really know how I would start this, no matter the room or state I was in, but it feels right to begin with a thank you. For weeks, our floors have been covered in flowers of kindness. "Notes have flooded in and have each been read with our own teary eyes. Social media messages from strangers have consumed my days, most starting with, 'you probably won’t read this, but…'. I can assure you, I did."

She admitted to being in no state to reply to kind messages...

"I wanted to thank everyone, share our story with each individual person. But I knew I was in no state to. For me, the 'no need to respond' note was such a true relief. I thank you for each and every one of those."

She then moved onto talking about the day she lost Jack...

"One of the standout moments from that morning (or evening? I have no idea) was me going through the halls of labor and delivery, and John saying “What, is there a f**king party going on here??" Here we were, just wheeled down to a new floor, me covered in a thin blanket to hide, knowing I was about to fully deliver what was supposed to be the 5th member of our beautiful family, a son, only to say goodbye moments later. "People cheered and laughed right outside our door, understandably for a new life born and celebrated. You kind of wonder how anyone is thinking about anyone but you."

Chrissy explained that she was admitted to hospital after persistent bleeding and multiple blood transfusions, and diagnosed with partial placenta abruption.

"At this point I had already come to terms with what would happen: I would have an epidural and be induced to deliver our 20 week old, a boy that would have never survived in my belly (please excuse these simple terms). "I was previously on bedrest for over a month, just trying to get the little dude to 28 weeks, a “safer" zone for the fetus. My doctors diagnosed me with partial placenta abruption. I had always had placenta problems. I had to deliver Miles a month early because his stomach wasn’t getting enough food from my placenta. But this was my first abruption. We monitored it very closely, hoping for things to heal and stop."

She continued...

"In bed, I bled and bled, lightly but all day, changing my own diapers every couple of hours when the blood got uncomfortable to lay in. I actually became an adult diaper expert for my own personal entertainment, truly appreciating the brands that went out of their way to not make me feel like an actual sh**ting baby. "Some were blush-colored, with drawn delicate flowers. I got to the point where I was actually like, “hell yeah, throw me the pink ones!" — something I never thought I’d be excited for. But there we were."

"I could have spent these days at the hospital, but not much of a difference would have been made. I was still seen by doctors at home, silently twisting their negative words into positives, thinking that everything might still turn out okay."

"Finally, I had a pretty bad night in bed, after a not-so-great ultrasound, where I was bleeding a bit more than even my abnormal amount. My bleeding was getting heavier and heavier. The fluid around Jack had become very low — he was barely able to float around. At some points, I swore it was so low I could lay on my back and feel his arms and legs from outside my belly."

She also explained why she took those heartbreaking photos.

"I had asked my mom and John to take pictures, no matter how uncomfortable it was. I explained to a very hesitant John that I needed them, and that I did NOT want to have to ever ask. That he just had to do it. He hated it. I could tell. "It didn’t make sense to him at the time. But I knew I needed to know of this moment forever, the same way I needed to remember us kissing at the end of the aisle, the same way I needed to remember our tears of joy after Luna and Miles. And I absolutely knew I needed to share this story."

"I cannot express how little I care that you hate the photos."

"How little I care that it’s something you wouldn’t have done. I lived it, I chose to do it, and more than anything, these photos aren’t for anyone but the people who have lived this or are curious enough to wonder what something like this is like. These photos are only for the people who need them. The thoughts of others do not matter to me."

Chrissy then described the heartwrenching moment she was told it was time to say goodbye.

"After a couple nights at the hospital, my doctor told me exactly what I knew was coming — it was time to say goodbye. "He just wouldn’t survive this, and if it went on any longer, I might not either. We had tried bags and bags of blood transfusions, every single one going right through me like we hadn’t done anything at all."

"Late one night, I was told it would be time to let go in the morning."

"I cried a little at first, then went into full-blown convulsions of snot and tears, my breath not able to catch up with my own incredibly deep sadness. Even as I write this now, I can feel the pain all over again. Oxygen was placed over my nose and mouth, and that was the first picture you saw. Utter and complete sadness."

"After hours, I was able to relax, and decided I wanted to wait until I really, really knew it was over."

"I stupidly compared it to dogs I had “put down" in the past — how I never wanted to let go until we absolutely knew it was time, that they were suffering far too much. I texted this to my doctor and she said 'absolutely.' "Later that night, I went to the bathroom, looked down into the toilet (I had been doing this for months), and broke down again. The sheer amount of blood and clots showed me exactly what I had been waiting for. It was time."

"I’m not sure I’ll ever forget the experience."

via: Getty

"I’m not sure I’ll ever forget the experience. I had always laughed about how much I loved epidurals…not so much this one. I laid there for hours, waiting to be told it was time to push. I obviously never had to dilate much, he was still a tiny little guy. "I had been laying on my side, switching sides every hour or so, whenever the nurse told me to. I remember laying on my right side, looking opposite of John, when I was told to make my switch. I opened my legs and started to turn to face John and just like that, he was on his way out. The doctors yelled for a bit and…I don’t know what to say, even now. He was out."

"My mom, John, and I each held him and said our own private goodbyes, mom sobbing through Thai prayer."

via: Getty

"I asked the nurses to show me his hands and feet and I kissed them over and over and over again. I have no idea when I stopped. It could have been 10 minutes or an hour."

"I dunno how long he had been waiting to be delivered for. That will probably always haunt me."

via: Getty

"Just writing it makes my nose and eyes tingle with tears. All I know now is his ashes are in a small box, waiting to be put into the soil of a tree in our new home, the one we got with his room in mind."

"People say an experience like this creates a hole in your heart. A hole was certainly made, but it was filled with the love of something I loved so much. It doesn’t feel empty, this space. It feels full."

"Maybe *too* bursting full, actually. I find myself randomly crying, thinking about how happy I am to have two insanely wonderful little toddlers who fill this house with love. I smother them with love while they “Moooooooom!!!!!" me. I don’t care."

"I also cry when I get mad at myself for being too happy."

"Sometimes I read things that make me gut laugh, or see an Instagram post worthy of a like (yes, I’m gone but I’ve still been creeping!). And, I always forget I’m not pregnant anymore. I hold my belly when I walk around. I have a moment of freak out when the kids jump on my non-existent bump. The clarity after these moments always make me sad. "I feel bad our grief was so public because I made the joy so public. I was excited to share our news with the world. Stories leading up to this had been chronicled for all. It’s hard to look at them now. I was so positive it would be okay. I feel bad that I made you all feel bad. I always will."

In honor of Jack, Chrissy and her family have decided to do some special things for him.

From tattoos to a blood drive, her family and friends have all gathered together in order to help the pair grieve.

But not every day has been easy.

Chrissy has repeatedly opened up about the fact that she has been going to therapy and more regularly since the death of her son.

She shared a short but emotional clip of herself after a breakdown at a recent session...

via: Instagram

Her eyes were puffy, she had tears streaming down her face and there were "boogers," as she described, in her nose. But even in her lowest times, she is still a hilarious mom, saying that the look was just a "post-therapy face filter."

We absolutely adore her for keeping it 100% real with us.

via: Instagram

Which is why her latest picture is such a big deal for moms everywhere...

via: Facebook

via: Facebook

via: Facebook

via: Facebook

via: Facebook

via: Facebook

via: Facebook

via: Facebook

via: Facebook

via: Facebook

On Wednesday morning, she shared a photo on Instagram where she candidly spoke about her body, mourning that she will never be pregnant again...

"This is me and my body, just yesterday. Even though I'm no longer pregnant, every glance in the mirror reminds me of what could have been. And I have no idea why I still have this bump, honestly. It's frustrating." The star says she's "proud of where this entire journey took my body and mind in other ways," adding, "I love being pregnant, so so much, and I'm sad I never will be again." "But I am lucky to have two amazing little ones who are transforming into big little people more and more every single day."

Last month, Teigen said they've been able to find a "little bit of sunshine" finally after their devastating loss...

"You learn how to cope with it. I am very proud to say that there are multiple different therapies I'm using to hopefully become the same person that I was, and I'm okay with that," Teigen said. "I'm okay with allowing myself to have bad days and good days." Teigen admitted on Twitter just last month that she hasn't been vocal "because I'm honestly in a bit of a grief depression hole but do not worry as I have so much help around me to get better and I'll be fixed soon." "They'll call when I'm better and ready for pickup and u can swing by and grab me ok?" she jokingly added. "Thank u and love you!"

Teigen concluded that although the last few months have been "brutal," she feels like she's improving slowly.

"When I'm old and grey, I will look back on the last two months as being brutal, exhausting, sad, physically challenging, mentally painful bitches of a couple months. But I refuse to not find humor in both the rage-fits and the outfits," she said. "I already see the leaves as orange instead of grey, realized the sky is indeed blue and not black and horn honks on my forced morning walks only bring me to my knees half the time," added Teigen. "I can make it up my stairs only stopping once or twice instead of every other, and can get out of the bathtub all by myself as long as I have the promise john will dry me off." We hope the new year brings healing to the family.