We all know (from experience, most likely) that medical topics can be pretty sensitive. But sometimes people can make a "sensitive" thing way bigger than it needs to be.

After all, doctors are there to help us. They need to know all the details, or they can't really care for us to the best of their ability. So why hold back? Doctor-patient confidentiality exists for a reason! It stays between the two of you, yet these people just couldn't admit some truly strange things.

Luckily, the doctors can still tell those stories as long as there are no names! So we still get to hear the craziest of their medical tales. Check out these encounters with patients who zipped their lips for the weirdest reasons!

 

Let's start off with a weird one!

Not a doctor but a nurse. Had a patient come in with a toothpick in his penis. Refused to tell me how it got in there, insisting he was picking his teeth and it fell in. -ScienceofFish

The "pool myth" is just that: a myth.

Being pregnant and also a virgin.

People actually believe women can get inseminated in a public pool.

-lavadrop5

Well, this is definitely a problem.

via: Getty

I admitted a guy for chest pain. As part of the workup, I did a urine drug screen which came back positive for cocaine.

After the rest of his cardiac workup was negative, I said to him, "Good news, you didn't have a heart attack. It's likely that your chest pain was caused by cocaine."

-StercusCircus

Sounds fake, but okay.

His answer: "I didn't use cocaine. See, I was at a party and people had some lines of cocaine out on a table. As I was walking by, an oscillating fan blew the cocaine into my face, which is why my urine was positive."

Mmmhmm. Got it.

-StercusCircus

Just own up to the toupe!

Obligatory not a doctor, I’m a nurse. We had a patient come into the operating room for brain surgery. Probably a mid-50s guy with a nice head of light brown hair. Before a patient comes into the actual OR we ask them a series of questions, including whether they have any implants, jewelry, non-hospital clothes on, etc. Guy says no to all the questions. After the patient gets put to sleep, the surgeon grabbed his hair to start shaving it off (because you know, brain surgery) and ALL HIS HAIR PEELED OFF BECAUSE HE WAS WEARING A WIG AND DIDN’T TELL US. We almost shaved his hairpiece because he wouldn’t admit to anyone he wore it. -Ephemeralle

These parents are absolutely ridiculous.

Nurse here. Had parents bring their 3-year-old son to the emergency department for one month of abdominal pain that kept getting worse. I ask all the routine questions for this complaint, lots of questions about his stool...they deny any other concerning symptoms but abdominal pain.

We do bloodwork, ultrasound, X-ray. Everything comes back completely normal but the kid is intermittently screaming in pain, curled in a ball.

-AthenaZ25

Uh...sir? THAT'S the problem.

Over the next 5 hours, I continue to repeat the same questions, I asked repeatedly if there was anything else going on that they could think of....nope.

The kid just doesn’t seem well but we have no reason to keep him, we decide to watch him a little longer, let him eat. The kid eats a bunch, a PBJ, apple juice, crackers, popsicle, no pain so we decide to send them home.

I bring in the discharge paperwork and I’m about to start going over instructions and they dad goes “You know...for the past 3 months he’s had A LOT of worms in his poop."

-AthenaZ25

Why couldn't they have saved everyone the trouble?

WORMS. F***ing worms. You spent 6+ hours denying worms. I literally just turned around and walked out of the room without saying a word. I was laughing almost to the point of tears. Could not wait to tell my resident. Deworming medications, a load of wasted time, and they were on their way. -AthenaZ25

That's...not where you're supposed to put honey.

One of my lecturers told us a story of when he worked in ED there was a man who refused to acknowledge or tell them how a jar got stuck in his rectum.

They were taking him to the OR as it has created a vacuum seal and couldn’t be removed without shattering but realized his BSL (blood sugar level) was off the charts. Really, really high. They were considering postponing the surgery to work out wtf was going on. When he ended up talking he told them the jar was full of honey before it got lodged, and was rapidly absorbed by the rectum, causing the insane levels. Wat.

--karrde

Parents...just tell the truth. Seriously.

I'm a pediatric dentist, so maybe not the type of doctor you were looking for, but this one throws me for a loop every time so I'll share it. When I sedate kids they have to be NPO for 8 hours before, so I always ask if they had anything to eat or drink in the morning. Parents NEVER want to admit their kid ate or drank, even when I remind them it's very important because if they vomit and aspirate they could die. Often they try to minimize it and say it was just a few bites, but one kid walked in eating a bag of Cheetos at reception and then the parent insisted to me that they hadn't eaten. Yeah, I'm 100% not sedating your child today. -popeyefur

Adults do it to themselves, too.

I feel this frustration to my soul.

Sir, have you eaten this morning?

"Nope. Not since before midnight."

Meanwhile, I’m looking at a sliver of contracted Gallbladder.

Are you sure? Because I would hate for this test to come back incorrect and you end up meeting with a surgeon when you don’t need too.....

"... I might have had a couple of waffles and eggs..."

-DarkGreenSedai

It's important to acknowledge stab wounds.

Obligatory not a doctor. Used to work PR and Marketing in an inner-city hospital. Was once hanging out with the ER folks when a regular came in. ...This guy had spent hours burying a Phillips head screwdriver in his abdomen - carefully working it around major organs. He was a Vietnam medic and had some training, so he could feasibly do it. He straight up said, "What screwdriver? You all are crazy." The attending was staring right at the X-ray and the handle of the screwdriver sticking out of his abdomen. The screwdriver must have been 4 inches long. I still shudder!! -Elizb04

Ma'am, please just accept your own...shortcomings.

Nurse here: had a patient accuse me of sh***ing in her bed, and threaten to sue me for malpractice.

Key to note: she never got out of her bed.

-phenerganandpoprocks

A useful trick for a sad situation.

via: Getty

That they don’t know how to read. I’ve been taught the trick of handing a paper upside down to them to see if they can read. It’s good to know if they don't, so you can make EXTRA sure they have a full understanding of their instructions instead of saying to read the details on the sheet. -bzzzzzzlightyear

"Whatever, that's not mine."

Had a patient refuse to admit he swallowed a pen, even though an x-ray showed the pen in his small bowel and we took the pen out during emergency surgery. -DissociativeFuego

Why avoid the issue if you're in trouble?

Had an elderly lady from a nursing home come in super altered. She would wake up briefly to answer questions but then would be out like a light seconds later. Usually, in this case, we assume it’s from infection, stroke, etc. but we still ask about drug use (legal and illicit) since it can cause that kind of thing. Lady denied several times she didn’t take anything other than prescribed meds.  -thruthelurkingglass

Even when they've been caught red-handed...

Finally, as we’re about to intubate her (put her on a ventilator) since she was getting worse, we cut off her bra and out pops a little baggy with some white powder and a baby straw. We gave her some Narcan and she gasps herself awake. Even after that still took her a long time before she said: “well maybe I did take some drugs from a friend..." Since then I’ve trusted no one when it comes to denying drug use. -thruthelurkingglass

This must've been a hard situation.

All the symptoms of pregnancy + 2 positive pregnancy tests. “There’s a 0% chance I can be pregnant. I’m not married."

To be fair. The patient's mother was there and this was in a very conservative country. She ended up “admitting" she was pregnant when we separated her from the mom.

-GodsGift420

What the doctors don't know CAN hurt you.

I’m a nurse, not a doctor, but it’s amazing how many patients lie about how much they drink. Dude, we aren’t judging you. We just want to know if we need to worry about you detoxing when you come out of open heart (or any other) surgery! -Pixelfrog41

Doctors aren't supposed to be judgmental, they're supposed to help you.

All I am saying is this: If you’re going to land in the hospital for a significant amount of time and you’re an alcoholic, it is to your benefit and safety to be honest about that because the odds that you will withdraw in your time there is high. If providers know, they can plan to manage that so you don’t withdraw. -Pixelfrog41

Some things are just too obvious.

via: Getty

I can literally smell the smoke on your clothes and breath, see the nicotine stains on your fingers, and you're trying to tell me you quit smoking 10 years ago? -rameninside

It's hard to insist you're not pregnant...during labor.

Not a doctor but my husband is. He had a 17-year-old girl with abdominal pains come into the ER with her Mum, turns out she’s in full-blown labor. Assures them she can’t be pregnant, she’s a virgin. The baby is literally crowning right there in ER (no maternity ward in their hospital and she was in advanced labor when she arrived) and she still insists she’s a virgin. -Blueskittle101

By process of elimination...that's your baby.

Ha, my mother is a nurse and told me about the time some lady came in for abdominal pains as well. Yep, she was pregnant and gave birth and as soon as the baby was out she screamed: "it's not mine". Mom responded with "It didn't come out of me." -jedidude75

Even veterinarians have these stories.

Am a vet student. Many clients like to say "I don't overfeed my dog/cat, that's just their normal size!" when their pet looks like a watermelon. -Momordicas

Logic is an amazing thing.

I love how, when I tell an owner their pet is fat, they almost always answer with 'no, it can't be fat, it doesn't even eat that much, most days it won't even eat all the food I put in their bowl.' And then they are flabbergasted when I point out the very obvious and logical fact that their pet isn't eating all of their food before they are giving it too much. -Azuranian

This "challenge" sounds as bad as the Tide pod challenge.

A few years ago I had one kid, maybe 16 or 17, who evidently had heard of a challenge where you can fully insert a lightbulb into your mouth, but when you try to pull it out you can’t open your jaw wide enough and the bulb shatters inside.

-DrFrogLips

And that's what happened to this kid.

Well after about three hours of picking glass from out of his mouth, (in every spot imaginable: gums, under the tongue, the roof of the mouth, throat, etc) I asked what went down and he just would not admit that he put the lightbulb in his mouth. His main story was that his friend must have slipped it in his mouth when he was sleeping and punched him in the jaw, however upon talking to this friend in another room, he confessed that the boy had tried to beat the challenge, his friend even showed me videos of other people trying it.

-DrFrogLips

But he wouldn't admit it!

So I go back in with the patient and bring his guardians, in this case an aunt and uncle, and explained the whole lightbulb challenge without giving his friend up. When asked what I was talking about I explained and said there are many videos on the internet about the exact thing I’m talking about.

-DrFrogLips

People are nuts sometimes.

They also revealed that he had tried several dangerous stunts and challenges before, but even still the stubborn kid wouldn’t admit a thing, he was adamant that he had absolutely no part in his injury and that everyone was out to get him.

It’s just crazy to me how arrogant and thick-headed some people will get, they’ll do anything before admitting to doing something that stupid and short-sighted.

-DrFrogLips

Here's another red flag: when your entire eye doesn't work.

Optician here. A few days ago a man called asking if he could see an optometrist asap. I told him we had no spots left and asked him what seemed to be the problem. He told me he felt he had an eye infection and it's been 4 days since he can't see properly from his left eye. Sometimes clients can complain from overtearing or swollen eyelids but no ... He told me part of his field of vision was off for the past 4 days. We have indicators (such as flashes of light or dark spots) that tell us if we are dealing with an emergency worthy of being sent directly to the hospital for emergency intervention from the ophthalmology department and this was clearly it. I told him he has to go to the emergency room now.

-HFCB

And yet, the man was difficult about it!

He tells me he has a busy shift at work and is a supervisor. I told him again to go to the hospital ASAP and to take it seriously. He tells me that he can't because his day will be scrapped. I told him to stop putting work over health and that this needed to be dealt with now. He still argues with me and tells me that he doesn't feel like waiting in the emergency room for hours (in any case if you have symptoms resembling a retinal detachment you are seen almost immediately). I insist that he must go. He then tells me I'll go after my day's shift! I tell him to cut it out and GO!!

-HFCB

Uh...probably listen to the eye doctor there, sir.

He then asks me if it's an emergency and to tell him what he has. Given that I'm not allowed to give any diagnosis by the phone I told him to hurry to the hospital. He told me he would and I'm pretty sure he stuck to his plan of finishing the day. Retinal detachment can usually be treated if noticed quickly. -HFCB

This would be a great joke if it weren't such a scary one.

Med student. Went to see a patient for my practice physical. These are all volunteers and we don’t get charts or anything just a slip of paper with their name and chief complaint.

I walk into the room and this older gentleman is holding his cup of coffee and didn’t shake my hand which threw me off guard. Then I noticed one of his hands was much weaker and kind of scrunched up and he didn’t move it. So I asked him about it and he was like, “Nah it’s fine. See?" and proceeded to move it like a 1/2 inch. It clearly was not fine.

-ShermansBlindandRugs

Here's what was really happening:

I’m sweating now cuz these are mainly just opportunities to talk with patients and they’re supposed to be a breeze but this guy looks like he had a stroke and had no idea. Turns out he was just messing with me, but I was ready to call in a real doctor cause I was freaking the f**k out!

Edit: The dude really did have a stroke!! It was 15 years ago and only affected his one arm he just likes to pretend it was fine! Once he made that clear the rest of the history/physical was great.

-ShermansBlindandRugs

Guys: we need to floss.

Am a doctor of Dental medicine.

You all f***ing lie to me about flossing.

One guy who swore he didn’t know why he was losing his teeth because he was brushing twice a day caused me to get heated. I gave him a mirror scrapped a chunk of plaque off his teeth from his gum line and showed him a big heaping pile of plaque proving that he was not brushing. I gave him the benefit of the doubt and told him I would show him how to brush and he turned it down because that “couldn’t possibly be it"

Some people just want dentures as fast as possible.

-Dentaljds Share these insane stories with your friends!