Here’s a Battle Plan for Dealing With Your Crazy Relatives This Thanksgiving

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For a lucky few people, Thanksgiving is a heartwarming family holiday filled with turkey, ham, and only the tiniest hint of mass genocide. For the rest of us, Thanksgiving is war – an entire day spent employing strategic military maneuvers to avoid those nearest and dearest to you.

Here’s a little primer to get you going.

In this instance, we employ what’s known as the duck and weave. Duck so he won’t spot you and then weave until you reach the more welcoming arms of the liquor table or that other cousin whose name you always forget. Either way, the conversation here will be much more pleasant than one where you reluctantly recall all the times your hateful cousin gave you a wedgie back in middle school because he still thinks it’s funny.

When your uncle wants to talk about Trump’s “grab them by the p****” moment, employ the tried and tested maneuver of attract and distract. Basically, you attract the attention of your prettiest cousin (don’t play dumb, we all know who that is) and then shove them into your Uncle’s path, thereby distracting him. It’s a cheap and horrible ploy, but then you’re a cheap and horrible person and you’re already going to hell anyways, so what’s one more sin to blacken your foul, foul soul…

The truth is, Aunt Busybody doesn’t really give a crap about you. What she really wants to know is whether her kids are more successful than you, which is why she bought those greens over as a conversation starter/silent statement of superiority.  

When she asks you what you’re up to, smile the sweet smile of inscrutability and tell her, “nothing much,” then deflect by asking about her kids. When she asks about your significant other, tell her “he/she/it is fine,” and then ask about her kids’ significant other/s. It doesn’t matter if you don’t have a significant other, or job, or house, or whatever. The point is to keep Aunt Busybody guessing. Do NOT give a straight answer and do NOT confirm or deny anything. Trust us, it’ll drive her nuts.

Okay, we’re gonna level with you here. That turkey – drier than a dry season riverbed in the Sahara. Even then, there’s no way you’re going to get out of this one. That’s your Aunty Margie and you love her, so pull up your pants, and take it like an adult. Also, when you choke on it, make sure you smile and assure her that “no, the turkey isn’t dry at all.” That hoarse sound you’re making – it’s just air, rattling down your throat.  

First of all, you don’t really know what the heck his firm does, but you’re sure it’s 99.9% illegal. Also, you know the only reason he keeps talking to you about it is because your parents/significant-other/cat want you to work there so you can make more money and finally move out their house.  

That’s all there is to it. Flee, abscond, escape, fly the coop. There is no talking to this uncle – he’s the holiday Terminator and he’s on a mission to make an adult out of you. He will not stop, he will not take no for an answer. There is NO reasoning with him.  

There’s only only one way to deal with this holiday menace. Grab yourself a beer, find the most comfy chair you can and sit the hell down. That’s right – Sit. The. Hell. Down. Drunken Grandpa So and So is not long for this world and you’ll miss him when he’s gone, so sit down and listen and remember – that uncomfortable feeling you’re feeling? That’s the true spirit of Thanksgiving. You’re welcome.