Moms are funny. Period! It’s probably because we (as moms) have seen and been through it all. We have learned the best way to master motherhood is to simply laugh along the way. If you don’t, you might lose your sanity.
Laughter will get you through the diaper blowouts at 3:00 a.m., the daily tantrums, the chaos, the simple crazy it is to raise tiny humans. Adulting is hard as well. And when you combine the two, holy heck, you feel like you’re about to explode on a daily basis.
I find comfort when other mothers in person and online tell me their truths. Talking about the fact that their kids aren’t perfect and neither are they. Because, the truth is, life is messy and being an adult is hectic. Laughing at the craziness will help! Believe me, it does!
Let’s take a look at some funny mamas on Twitter:
It is harder to make friends when you’re an adult.
Listen, I am not anti-social but the older I get, the less I care to put up with the little things.
I really don’t feel like running into Karen on my jog, telling me how perfect her kids are. Everyone knows you’re a liar, Karen. And no, I don’t want to buy any of your essential oils.
People can be so judgemental.
Why is everyone so uptight? Alcohol would make any PTA/O event so much better. I think we can all agree with that.
More parents would volunteer their time if adult beverages were being served. I’m just sayin’.
We sometimes expect too much from technology.
If you can think it, you can do it, Alexa! Besides, if we can have robotic vacuums why can’t we have robotics cooks?
I don’t think this is too far from the future. And snacks are pretty easy to whip together. The last I checked, that’s all my kids ever want to eat anyway, Alexa. Do you hear me, Alexa?
Do what makes you feel good.
Everyone has a therapeutic outlet. Let’s be honest here, do you actually know how to meditate? If so, does it relax you?
Every time I try to “clear my thoughts” I end up thinking more and stressing more. For some us, we need to get down and dirty to relieve stress.
It’s like I am two people.
Oh, no she isn’t! Do you want to know why? It’s because of our kids. And all their demands and whines.
If I had sweet, little angels then I could probably get my Suzy Homemaker on, but since they won’t let me– Spaghettios it is!
I believe they call it “mommy brain.”
I wasn’t always like this, I swear! My mom-brain has been researched in the past– I don’t need a scientist to tell me my medulla oblongata has changed a great deal since I pushed two babies out.
And I make no apologies about that.
Pants are overrated.
Pants can be so restricting. When I am home, I live in my pajamas. Doesn’t everyone? What crazy person comes home from work, and lays around in their “work pants?”
And if not at work, are jeans lounging wear? I think not.
It is hard to find employment after being a SAHM.
When did employers get so critical? Besides, the Build-A-Bear birth certificate costs more than a real birth certificate.
Might as well try and get some actual use outta the thing. And everything you need to know about me is that my mind is mush after being home with kids for so long.
Some things aren’t worth it.
I ran a half-marathon once, and I thought my hip was broken the next day.
The human body is capable of many things, but why do we think that running for 26 miles is an accomplishment? It’s torture!
Be grateful for the little things.
If your kid has never had a blowout of some kind at the store, consider yourself one lucky!
I’ve experienced my fair share of these accidents, so when it happens to someone else, I thank my lucky stars it wasn’t my kid.
Text and email should be your BFF.
A hand-written note is nice– it really is. But, I find that texting and email are just as nice. You can’t find emojis on a hand-written note.
How am I supposed to know the tone of your note without an emoji?
Don’t mess with a hangry Mama!
This is my face most days. I go way too long before I can “sit,” and eat.
I am not a mean mom– I want to have the basics in life: food, sleep, and air. But it’s like my children insist on robbing me from these necessities.
There is a reason Mom likes wine.
Wine truly does hold it all together. It’s like glue for my body. I praise those mamas who don’t need alcohol to get through the daily crazy.
Those people need a medal. Don’t you wonder how they do it?
Teach them young, they say.
I can’t deal with it when my kids fight over a crayon. I let them claw each others’ eyes out for turquoise blue because it’s not worth my sanity.
And they need to learn how to stand up for themselves. It’s a tough world out there!
There can only be so many Betty Crockers in the world.
My husband knew who I was when he married me. And he knew very well that he would be the one doing the cooking.
Every now and then I do like to surprise him. But I always need to Google a recipe. And there is no shame in that, ladies!
Things do change once you have kids.
Granny panties for the win! I have to endure enough unpleasantries as it is. My butt might as well be happy.
The older we get, the more risks we take.
If you don’t own any pairs of underwear with holes in them, then you are better off than most! Sometimes we just can’t part ways with those old Hanes in our drawer, but God forbid anyone see them.
Now is not a good time for a breakdown.
My mental health is important. But as moms, we tend to put our needs on the back burner because life keeps moving. We have to keep it together for the kids’ sake.
Truth be told, it’s never a good time for a mental breakdown. But if you never get a break– you will break.
When will hubby learn?
The saying goes, “happy wife, happy life.” The saying doesn’t say anything about a happy husband; therefore, it only makes sense that the wife must be happy to live a blissful life.
And when will hubbies learn? When wifey wins, he wins!
Why go camping? Life is hard enough.
There is a reason electricity was invented, people. I cannot wrap my head around why anyone would choose a tent over a bed?
Or choose the outdoor humidity over an air-conditioned bedroom? Using body wipes over the warmth of a shower? We have evolved as human beings. Let’s keep moving forward, shall we? And hopefully, future generations will enjoy sleep from infancy.
Sleep is a distant memory.
Kids are great for many things. The one thing they completely suck at though is waking you up every single day at the crack of dawn. Or even worse, the middle of the night because they peed their bed or are afraid of the dark.
Ask any parent and the one thing they’ll tell you they miss the most since becoming a parent is sleep. And rest, of any kind.
Is this why I have so much anxiety?
I have so many talents, but if I had to choose one, I’d say I am amazing at over complicating nearly everything in my life. Anxiety, I think they call it.
I’m best friends with my anxiety. I do fear this great talent of mine will wash over into my children though. *sigh*
When you lose your voice, run away.
Have you ever had to parent while being sick? If you answered yes, then you know that not a single person in your household takes pity on Mom when she is sick.
Children do think we have superpowers, and they must think those powers keep us going when we are couch-ridden because nothing changes when you are sick, Mama! NOTHING!
Why do you hate me, metabolism?
The good-old Metabolism– we all have one. Some of us have better ones than others. But no one is exempt from aging, and everyone’s metabolism slows down as they age– even if you’re exerciser.
And when you hit 40, that thing takes a nice old rest.
Eating says a lot about a person.
As a parent, I need to be a good role model for my kids. And when my MIL eats a chicken wing like it’s her last meal, I gently inform my children that we do not eat like we were raised in a barn.
I remind them that no one should eat like that– except maybe a serial killer! The only food a human being should suck on is a lollipop.
Thank the kids for that pain in your butt.
As mothers, we are blessed to be able to bring children into this world. But no one talks about all the pushing involved.
It takes sweat and tears to push out a baby, and you must understand that pushing will do some nasty damage.
Fun fact: your nose isn’t the only thing to grow as you age.
It would be nice if we had to get our driver’s license picture only once in our life. But, no. The DMV or Secretary of State, or whatever it is called where you live insists that a new picture is taken every so often.
They insist on reminding us how old we are getting.
Moms never, ever rest.
My husband and kids must think there is some fairy who lives in our house and puts all of the dishes, laundry, toys, and bills away. Moms are forever working.
We are always remembering that one thing that everyone else forgets to do– like change the toilet paper roll. Yeah, a Mom does that. You’re welcome.
Do what makes you happy.
The experts tell us to do what makes us happy. Cookies make me happy. They even make my kids happy, and that is something that doesn’t happen all the time.
So if something makes you that happy– it must have health benefits associated with it, right?!
This is what happens when your spouse upsets you.
Like many women, shopping is my therapy. And when the hubby decides to upset me, well then, Tory Burch is likely to show up at my doorstep.
And just an FYI– PO boxes are a good hiding spot.