Jokes for People Who Overthink Everything

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Anxiety can strike at any moment. One second you’re kicking back, relaxing, and enjoying a cool breeze on a hot summer day when out of nowhere your brain starts to betray you. You’re suddenly remembering that one horribly awkward thing you said four years ago and can’t stop replaying what you should have said instead. Now you’re convinced that your so-called “friends” have been lying about actually liking you this whole time and are constantly hanging out without you. It’s called overthinking, and if you’re someone who does this on a regular basis, you know firsthand how annoying it can be. These jokes will hit a little too close to home for people who overthink everything.

Oh, and if you’re looking for a great way to help a loved one manage their anxiety, this guy has got it all figured out. 

All the good ones are taken, am I right?

Luckily, I keep my birth certificate in a safe and secure place along with all of my other important documents: In a mildew-covered box in the basement next to the leaky drain pipe.

The nerve of some people! Everyone knows the correct response is “Yep!” with a smiley emoji thrown in for good measure.

This happens to me every time McDonald’s is out of something that I try to order in the drive-thru. I’m forced to just speed out of the parking lot to avoid further embarrassment.

It’s so important to get your full 8 hours of nightmarish sleep each night. I know if I only get around 4 hours of horribly stressful slumber I’m a complete zombie the next day.

This is why I try to avoid getting into petty fights with my friends and family members. Not because I actually care about them, but because if either of us gets murdered I don’t want our last conversation to be an argument about what 90’s boy band was the best. (The correct answer is Backstreet Boys, Aunt LINDA.)

I relate to this dog on so many levels. Not only do I tend to overthink everything, but I also like to wear my fancy pearls with a casual winter hat.

These two are always at odds. Recently my common sense decided to take a much-needed vacation, so I’ve basically just been going rogue. Now excuse me while I go buy a boat with my American Express credit card.

Oh, I definitely felt that. And it instantly transported me back to AP Bio when my teacher would randomly call of people without warning. I thought I’d blocked out those memories…

I swear I know how to tie my shoelaces. You just have to close your eyes and face the wall while I do it.

If everyone goes through this exact same emotional turmoil after a date, why can’t we just acknowledge it openly and make it less weird? Why must we suffer in silence?!

Can we all just agree that our brains are jerks that are constantly trying to sabotage us?

I really admire this person’s zen way of living. I would add just two more to this list: every possible worst-case scenario and whether or not my dog respects me.

See? Even a big star like Anna Kendrick isn’t immune to crippling anxiety! Celebs: They’re just like us!

Even after practicing it in your head all morning, it still came out weird.

The “lol” at the end really spoke to me. I use this tactic whenever I want to make a serious question sound less intense. I hope God was cool about it.

I’d probably watch the Anxiety Olympics. Although it probably just involves a bunch of people binge-watching Netflix underneath their weighted blankets.

Can’t I just have ONE moment of PEACE?!

I’m actually pretty impressed by how organized this child was. This poor, neurotic, miserable child.

Along with being a complete and total jerk, your brain is also a liar. Your brain: “Wow, that was an awkward comment. Everyone at this party is totally judging you now.” Maury Povitch: “The lie detector determined THAT was a lie.”

I never thought I’d see the day where I related to screeching amphibians, but here we are.

It’s not like they secretly hang out without you for the sole purpose of talking about how stupid and weird you are, right? RIGHT?!?

Wait, is there a wrong way to worry? Excuse me while I dive into a deep Google hole for the next 12 hours.

It makes me feel a bit better knowing that I’m not the only one who does this. But it also makes me feel like it’s completely obvious when I do this. Just how interesting could that bottle of Miracle Whip really be?

This is why it’s important to block out those humiliating memories and never revisit them again. I’m sure every therapist would agree with me on this.

Can we all collectively decide what amount of eye contact is the correct amount? Because I can never tell if I’m coming off as confident or insane.

Okay, so this is a slight overreaction. I mostly just want to change my name and go into the witness protection program.

This cuts especially deep when you say “Here’s the winner right here” before adding your card to the pile. You people clearly don’t recognize comedic gold when you see it!

If by “underwear” you mean “every single item of clothing which results in me having to bring two suitcases worth of stuff when one would suffice” then yes, yes I do.

Sorry for bothering you with my bodily functions, guys. I’m so embarrassed.

Seriously, who calls people anymore? It just seems unreasonably aggressive.