To quote the Impressive Clergyman from The Princess Bride — the best movie of all time — marriage is "A bwessed awwangement. A dweam wivin a dweam." And sure, it can be those things, for some people. But most of the time, marriage is two people spending all day trying to figure out what to do for dinner and what to watch on the television until one of them falls asleep. And that is A-OK. It is honestly great to have someone to do all the mundane life stuff with because then the amazing, adventurous stuff you do together means so much more.

But only married folks (or people who have been together for a very long time) understand the very specific you get under each other's skin. They understand the way romance redefines itself over the years, and just what marriage (and sharing a living space) can do to two innocent people.

Here he is again, the Impressive Clergyman!

Honestly, whenever I think about marriage, first I hear it in my head as "mawwiage." Marriage is silly and lovely and funny and strange, just like this guy. Here are some jokes only married folks will understand.

Exactly the amount

I don't know about this problem because whenever I have cheese and crackers, I always take out all of the cheese and all of the crackers. You know, just in case.

Snoring partner

If you live with a snoring partner, you will understand how you can want to go to the edges of the Earth for someone until they can't control their breathing at night.

Stop screaming

Look, when you need Cheetos, you need Cheetos. It doesn't matter if you Psycho your wife to death.

Finding things

It's really this incredible skill that women have, to look for things in a productive way. They see invisible objects that are right where they should be but are inexplicably invisible to others.

Two parties

I believe this exchange verbatim has happened in my household. We don't want to go to things. But it's nice to be invited.


I cannot tell you how many times I have woken up seething at my partner because he did something terrible in my dream. And he sleeps away not realizing that he just ruined my life.

Pillow talk

This person really knows how to seduce his wife. It's important that couples are open and honest with each other about everything, including chicken nugget consumption.

Muggy out

When you have a partner who loves to do bits and jokes, you understand this very specific type of groan-filled frustration. It's the worst!

Social media vs. real life

If everyone used social media like a therapist and complained about their partners all the time instead of putting them on a pedestal, I feel like we might be better off as a society.


There's a simple solution to this! Buy two chargers!

Closest to the door

I mean, yes, this is just self-preservation. If men can oppress women for all of history, they can get murdered first.

Breathe the other way

One of the main struggles of cuddling is to find a place for both your heads, so neither of you gets a stream of hot breath on your face. It's really, very annoying.

Home with wine

I do this exact same thing with my fiancé only he is bringing my ice cream, which is more like an ice cream truck.

One thousand babies

It's a scientific fact that men act like little children when they get sick compared to women, who've been forced for eternity to remain composed and poised and adult-like in any situation.

Interrupted Movies

Oh my goodness this tweet is relatable. Lately, I've been watching a spooky show, so I to turn it off when he gets home because he doesn't like spooky things.


Call me new-fashioned, but I like it when both people like pickles so you can both go to pickle festivals and eat pickles together all the time in marital bliss.

Decorative pillows

I think it's a rule that you are supposed to amass at least two decorative pillows for every year that you are married. It's just the law.

Now you want one

Obviously, the correct answer is to look longingly into his eyes until he offers you a half and then you say, "Hmm, I'm still hungry," until he offers to make another one.

Weird roommate

I love this, and I think I'm going to adopt this question! Although, no one will know if I'm talking about my partner or my dog.

Shopping list

Always bring a shopping list! Otherwise, you end up with a panda.

The last fry

You don't take the last fry, even if you're married, and if you do, you deserve to choke! Especially when it's a curly fry.

Dog Tuxedo

To be fair, a dog tuxedo is never a frivolous purchase. What if your dog is getting married or must last-minute conduct an orchestra?

First husband

I love this bit! It is so hilarious, until it happens to you, of course.

Fresh and exciting

I don't know how this tweet passed Twitter's standards, but it's so naughty! This is too much. It's making me blush.

New undershirts

Hey, when someone you love does something nice for you, it's exciting! That excitement comes even when it's not supposed to.

Nightly questions

The whole reason you get married is to have someone who you can turn to in the middle of the night with your absurd questions. Next!

Secret language

It's so true that in marriage or a long-term relationship, you develop this sort of secret language where you can understand each other just by vague sounds. It's the best.

Phone favors

Some husbands or wives or partners don't know how to cook, and when you ask them to do one simple preparatory task, they cannot.

Your outfit

Your wife is just trying to make sure you don't look like an absolute fool when she says that. Trust her. Share this with your partner or someone else who will understand!