To quote the Impressive Clergyman from The Princess Bride — the best movie of all time — marriage is "A bwessed awwangement. A dweam wivin a dweam." And sure, it can be those things, for some people. But most of the time, marriage is two people spending all day trying to figure out what to do for dinner and what to watch on the television until one of them falls asleep. And that is A-OK. It is honestly great to have someone to do all the mundane life stuff with because then the amazing, adventurous stuff you do together means so much more.
But only married folks (or people who have been together for a very long time) understand the very specific you get under each other's skin. They understand the way romance redefines itself over the years, and just what marriage (and sharing a living space) can do to two innocent people.
Here he is again, the Impressive Clergyman!Honestly, whenever I think about marriage, first I hear it in my head as "mawwiage." Marriage is silly and lovely and funny and strange, just like this guy. Here are some jokes only married folks will understand.
Exactly the amount
Me: Look, I love you, But I made exactly the amount of cheese & crackers I want to eat right now. Wife: But I only... Me: EXACTLY the amount— keith (@keith)1415072157.0
*watching husband sleep* Me: "I just love him so much, he's my everyth-" *husband snores* Me: "I can't live like this."— Stephanie Ortiz (@Stephanie Ortiz)1472356803.0
*pulls curtain back while wife is in the shower* me: Are we - stop screaming, it's just me- are we out of Cheetos?— Josh (@Josh)1456334470.0
Sorry. I was late because I had to find all the things that were in plain sight for my husband.— Housy Wife (@Housy Wife)1437104062.0
Me: We got invited to two parties this weekend. Wife: Wow. We finally have friends. Me: We’re skipping both, right? Wife: Obviously.— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn)1487625553.0
Still waiting for my husband to apologize for what he did in my dream last night.— Jennifer S. White (@Jennifer S. White)1485644981.0
[rolls over in bed and whispers to wife] "I ate like 75 chicken nuggets today"— rob elliott (@rob elliott)1455665312.0
ME: honey, it's really muggy out today WIFE: if I go outside & all our mugs are on the front lawn, I'm leaving u ME: *sips coffee from bowl*— Duke Max “Carnival Lawyer” Ash (@Duke Max “Carnival Lawyer” Ash)1434388539.0
Social media vs. real life
[facebook] "5 years ago i married my best friend, my soulmate, i love you" [real life] "eat all the leftovers again and i will end you"— mark (@mark)1475668667.0
Establish dominance in your household by staring at your husband while you unplug his phone from the charger and plug in your own.— Mommy Owl (@Mommy Owl)1511397489.0
Closest to the doorI mean, yes, this is just self-preservation. If men can oppress women for all of history, they can get murdered first.
Breathe the other way
Marry your true love so you can always wake up together and say, "Breathe the other way".— Walking Outside in Slippers (@Walking Outside in Slippers)1492683906.0
Home with wine
Watching out the window for husband to get home with my wine & this is the adult version of waiting for the ice cream truck— Valerie (@Valerie)1489185140.0
One thousand babies
My husband is home sick from work today and it's like having one thousand babies.— Sarah del Rio (@Sarah del Rio)1418672534.0
Interrupted MoviesOh my goodness this tweet is relatable. Lately, I've been watching a spooky show, so I to turn it off when he gets home because he doesn't like spooky things.
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe marriage should be between a person who hates pickles and another person who will eat that pickle.— Kate Sidley (@Kate Sidley)1508621900.0
I'm secretly doing an investigation on how many decorative pillows I can put around the house till husband loses his shit. Current count:23— mindi77💜🦋✌🏼 (@mindi77💜🦋✌🏼)1492122839.0
Now you want one
Dear Abby, I told my husband I didn’t want a grilled cheese when he was making one and now I want a grilled cheese. What do I do?— EricaTriesToTweet (@EricaTriesToTweet)1507247540.0
*RSVP’ing to Christmas party* Whispering into phone: is it ok if I bring my weird roommate? Husband, from behind me: STOP CALLING ME THAT— Sara Buckley (@Sara Buckley)1511728927.0
Wife: We need milk, eggs, and bread. Write it down. Me: No need. I'll remember. [an hour later] Wife: What did you buy? Me: A panda.— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn)1462567180.0
The last fry
Husband: *choking on a curly fry* Me: *starts panicking* Oh god, oh my GOD! Did you seriously take my last curly fry?!— Hillary (not sara) (@Hillary (not sara))1496677476.0
WIFE: Stop spending money on stupid stuff ME: Okay [later] WIFE: What the hell? [dog walks by in a tuxedo] ME: He's getting married, Karen— Floyd (@Floyd)1471449981.0
My husband gets so mad when I introduce him as my first husband.— Still Fab (@Still Fab)1354115980.0
Fresh and exciting
keeping our marriage fresh/exciting via texts https://t.co/XB3dktiSnA— Jeff Lyons (@Jeff Lyons)1452958166.0
ME: I bought you some new undershirts. HIM: [genuinely] That's exciting. NARRATOR: Marriage.— Amy Dillon (@Amy Dillon)1454559957.0
*rolls over & taps wife's shoulder to wake her* So it was "An American Tail" & not 'Tale' because Fievel was a mouse, right?— Andy H. (@Andy H.)1420377291.0
Secret languageIt's so true that in marriage or a long-term relationship, you develop this sort of secret language where you can understand each other just by vague sounds. It's the best.
wife [on phone] Did you preheat the oven like I asked? me: Yep wife: What temperature? me: 534 wife: That's the clock me wife me: 535— Josh (@Josh)1492378549.0
[Me, on my deathbed] Wife: Is that what you're going to wear?— Simon Holland (@Simon Holland)1495539095.0