We all have at least one relative whose tastes tend toward the… strange. Maybe that relative is you? In our family it’s the norm, not the exception, but we fly our freak flags high with no apologies. Whether it’s my SIL’s Leonardo DaVinci action figure, or my brother’s G.I. Joe obsession (he’s too old for dolls, IMHO) we will not shy away from a purchase just because it’s bizarre. On the contrary, if the price is right maybe we WILL buy that clearance toilet lid in the Ruby Slipper Sparkle Red.
That’s what this list is chock full of—cheap and weird items that you can have conveniently delivered to your door. Better yet, that you can have delivered to someone else’s door. Anonymously. Because I’m not sure you’ll be wanting credit for the horse head squirrel feeder (we made him an offer he couldn’t refuse). Or, maybe you will. Or maybe it’s just the perfect thing for that friend who has everything…except for a penis-shaped cookie cutter that’s supposedly a rainbow with a pot-o-gold at the end but come on, it’s really a penis. Everybody needs one of those.
For The Person Who Already Has A Yard Full Of Flamingos, This Flamingo Head Mask
If there were ever a product that should not have been made it is this semi-terrifying mask. Whether you’re looking for the right creepy costume for Halloween or just need to augment your yard’s living sculpture garden, this person-sized bird mask is for you. Now if you can just find someone who loves shrimp and stands on one leg a lot.
This Gall Bladder Plush Is The Perfect Gift For Someone, Just Not Sure Who
Perhaps for the recovering gall bladder patient? Or anyone, really, because come on—it’s cute, vaguely anatomically correct, and it comes with three adorable little gallstone plushes all zipped up inside. Bonus: get the whole Organ Plush Family from the oddballs at Attatoy. You’ll round out your collection with the heart plush, the uterus plush (!), a bone plush, and a stomach plush.
For Parents, Or Just For People Who Love Sucking Snot Out Of Noses, This Snot Sucker
Who wants to suck some snot? SOMEONE DOES. You know they’re out there too, because there is a Reddit thread for EVERYTHING. But the NoseFrida actually has a legit use, and the reviewers on Amazon swear by its efficacy. Hold on to your lunch: this is for clearing your child’s sinuses of mucus, and it is accomplished by inserting the nozzle up the offending shnoz, putting the other end in your mouth and *gag* sucking that snot. “Nuf said. You might be skipping lunch today, but at least your kid won’t be sniffing and coughing all night.
Why Wait Until You’re Old And Drowning In Cats To Enjoy This Cat Lady Action Figure?
Remember Aunt Velma? Remember wondering if she was named for the Scooby Doo character? Remember your mom laughing and saying that Aunt Velma was older than television? Remember never seeing Aunt Velma after that one summer when you saw on the news that a woman had been eaten by her 29 cats after passing out from a long weekend of crocheting? Now you can relive all those wild times with this Crazy Cat Lady Action Figure, complete with six cats (that’s not enough!) and a “wild-eyed look.”
Use These Red Solo Cup Wine… Glasses? To Remind You Of Your College Days
Or just to keep your wine-drinking self from becoming too high falutin’. These goblets (solo cups on a pedestal) come in sets of two and are dishwasher safe, not that you’ll ever need any other dishes once you buy these. Perfect for guzzling fine wines like Wild Irish Rose, Boone’s Farm Strawberry Hill, or Mad Dog 20/20. Also perfect for wine pong—just don’t forget you’ll need extra bounce to clear that added stem height.
If You Love Umbrellas But Hate Carrying Umbrellas Then You Need This Umbrella Hat
Yes, it’s an umbrella you wear on your head like some kind of total square (who’s also the only dry person who didn’t have to stop scrolling Instagram when the raid started). It keeps your hands free while it keeps your head and shoulders dry, and as a bonus it is also great at repelling strangers and unwanted conversation. Just kidding, I think. This thing is super “handy’ and as the pictures show you can walk a flock of dogs in the rain while wearing this and you’ll only get wet when all the wet dogs do their wet dog shake, bypassing your defenses and covering you in stinky dog shmutz.
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Tired Of Wet Dog And The Accompanying Stink? Time To Score This Umbrella Leash
So Sir Fido, Second Earl of Tottingham needs a walk, and it’s raining. You don’t want to do it, but HE IS THE EARL, after all. You’ve just scored yourself an umbrella hat, so that excuse is off the list. So what to do? Snap up one of these super stylish umbrella leashes, of course, and get Fido’s aristocratic buns out in the world to pee and poop to his little entitled heart’s desire.
This Hair Cape Will Keep Your Clippings Corralled
Cutting hair is a mess, and the cleanup is a pain. I know I particularly love finding tiny bits of clippings in every nook and cranny in the bathroom. Fun fact: hair mixed with soap and water turns into tiny little bricks when it dries. Weird. Anyway, pick up this grooming apron and your facoal-hair-cleanup troubles are solved. Attaches to the mirror with suction cups to keep your sink looking spiffy.
You Love Wearing Your Sunglasses At Night But Without These Light-Up Wayfarer Knockoffs You Just Look Silly
Your Corey Hart-inspired troubles are over with these light-up sunglasses in your repertoire. Never has there been a better use of technology than this: sunglasses that bring their own light source so you can still wear sunglasses when it’s dark. You can set them to ON, SLOW FLASH, or if you’re feeling frosty there’s even a FAST FLASH setting! A great addition to any Risky Business 80s themed costume. The downside is that you’ll have to explain to people who TF Tom Cruise is.
The Spin Shot Is The Game For People Who Need An Excuse To Drink
I love the wholesome looking crew of what appear to be under-aged coeds settling in for a cozy couch-side drinking game. This is not how I recall the drinking parties of my youth, but whatevs. The Spin Shot is essentially Quarters For Dummies. You put booze in the provided shot glass, spin the arrow, and whoever it points to drinks. 100% sure to be harmless. I mean, hilarious. Common sense and restraint sold separately.
Trick The Kids Into Cleaning The Floor With These Fun Dust Mop Slippers
If you’re a parent then you can just order those little whipper snappers around, but it’s so much less bossy to trick them into thinking cleaning is fun. These mop slippers help take the work out of tricking your kids while taking the work out of the work you’re tricking them into doing. Thirteen bucks gets you five pair of slippers and at least one Instagram worthy fashion shoot.
For The Person Who Has Everything, I Present The Gummi Skeleton
It’s a gummi bear model, with a clear plastic body so you can ogle the innards. Funny, I always thought there’d be horse hooves in these things. Oh well, that’s good news! Makes a great gift for your kid who loves gummi bears, or for the dentist of your kid, who also loves gummi bears but for different reasons, or to bring to the office Secret Santa party because you know you can’t wait to see the look on Brenda from Accounting’s face when she opens this. As a favor to you all I will not link to the Gummy Bear Song. You’re welcome.
The Googly Eyes Game Is Great For The Family Who Likes To Simulate Intoxication Together
So it’s like pictionary, but with kaleidoscopic glasses thrown in for good measure. Players don one of three levels of increasingly googly Googly Eyes, then attempt to draw prompts in a very very not long enough amount of time to draw under these circumstances. Pair with the Spin Shot above to double (vision) your fun!
Put The Toy Back In Toylet With This Fun LED Kit For The Commode
I know the pictures make this toilet LED look amazing, but you’ve just not lived until you experience this magical gadget firsthand. Sixteen colors and different intensity settings means that the party is always raging in your bathroom. You’ll find your guests hanging out in there like they used to do in your kitchen. No batteries means it’s economical to operate, as you just plug it into any USB port(a-potty) to jack it up with 12 hours of charge. Great for potty training the wee ones as well.
Speaking Of Peeing, This Go Girl Will Change How You Go When You’re On The Go
No more leg-trembling crouch, no more poison ivy in hard-to-itch places. Designed by doctors and made in the USA, the Go Girl gives you the freedom to pee anywhere a guy can pee! The world is now your toilet, and port-a-potties will never be so terrifying again. Equal pay for equal work not included. Sorry.
This Notorious Cookie Cutter
Yup. You know that’s what it really is, even though it claims to be a rainbow and a pot of gold. Perfect for all occasions, from bachelorette parties to Bar Mitzvahs. Girls night out to church bake sale. St. Patrick’s Day parties to St. Valentine’s Day parties. You get the picture. Speaking of pictures, check the reviews for “alternate” decorating ideas.
This Space Cat Flask Adds That Touch Of Class Your Drinking Has Always Lacked
No kidding, the product description says “A Classy Way To Carry Your Favorite Liquid From Whiskey To Water!” and it’s not even followed by a bunch of laughing emojis. Regardless, space cats are always welcome wherever drinking is encouraged, and when it comes to space-cats-per-square-inch there’s no beating this baby.
Think The Space Cat Flask Was Jumping The Shark? This Flamingo Bong Says “Hold My Beer”
Not one to allow space-felines to steal the show, flamingos have come roaring back with a vengeance and become the life of the party. Now that you have that flamingo head mask it’s time to get a leg up on the boozing competition with this ridiculous yet irresistible birdie bong. Simply fill the belly with beer, slap your lips around the beak and party down.
If You Are Opposed To Circular Blades, These Pizza Scissors Will Let Pizza Back Into Your Life
So you want to make a pizza at home, but that tilt-a-whirl accident from your 5th grade field trip still haunts you. Well, it wasn’t your fault Timothy didn’t listen to the safety instructions, but trauma is trauma. So if you still haven’t confronted your fear of sharp circles, these scissors will put home cooked pizza back on the menu. Comes with a detachable spatula for easy cut-n-serve style. Incidentally, some of the reviews for these indicate that the scissors themselves are worth much more than the asking price, even if you don’t use them on pizza. As for Timothy, he’d be happy to see you moving on after all these years.
You’ll Be A Huge Fan Of This Tiny Fan
I know that we’ve whittled our seasons down to just the two (Sprummer and Wintumn) and that we’re just as likely to have to wear shorts tomorrow as snow pants, but the one constant through all this climactic upheaval is my mobile fan. It’s great for keeping your cool on the go, no matter where you are. Unless you’re somewhere without your phone or a tablet. Then… use paper I guess? Works with Apple or Android devices. It’s truly one of the best purchases I’ve made on Amazon, and I’ve made A LOT of purchases on Amazon.
The Force Is Strong With This Death Star LED Lamp
It’s an optical illusion, but this lamp makes the Death Star appear in virtual 3D right in your very own home. It’s a great addition to any respectable Star Wars nerd’s shrine… err, collection. Switch between eight colors or set it to flash through all of them. The colored lights are groovy, and they can be used to set a mood. I’ve heard that the blue light stimulates the growth of midichlorians. But that’s just a rumour.
For Your Tiny Bonsai Tree Comes This Tiny Leaf Blower
It’s soooooo cute! This little novelty leaf blower actually has a viable use in the home: cleaning all the fuzz and cheezit dust from your computer keyboards. What else is it good for? How about a little smile to brighten your day every time you see it? Plugs right into any USB port and sports an extra long cable for those tough to reach areas of your desk.
Your Squirrels Will Be Wining, Dining, And Equining In This Horse Head Feeder
No, it’s not for feeding horse heads, but I can see how that might be confusing. You’ll never realize how fun squirrels can be until you see them running around in little circles eating feed out of this thing. In case you’re having trouble picturing the scene: the squirrels look like they’ve got a giant horse head on their little pudgy rodent bodies. It’s good for a laugh a day, and squirrels are nuts for it.
For The Budding Comic Book Writer This Brilliant Blank Comic Book
It’s a comic book template all comic booked up into a blank comic book just waiting to be filled with the Next Big Thing in comics. The rest is up to you, your kids, or your slacker buddy who always claims to be the real brains behind the X-Men. What a whack-a-doodle. Anyway, it’s got 130 pages for you to mess around with, and if all else fails you can just gift it to someone gullible and tell them that the comics are only visible to those pure of heart.
Yes, It’s A Peapod Keychain With Little Squishable Peas Inside
These keychains (you get three!) are kind of adorable, and much more fun than actual pea pods – though not as tasty. And maybe you didn’t notice, but the middle pea has a little face on it. Squeeze them out, admire them, and let go. The peapod sucks them back in so you can do it all over again. Hours of fidgety, relaxing entertainment, plus it holds keys or something.
Oh Sh*t You Really Have To Go And You’re Out And OMG! You’ll Be Needing This Public Toilet Survival Kit
Because public toilets are no thank you, this emergency kit comes with one toilet seat cover, two antiseptic wipes, a pair of latex gloves, and a fancy novelty tin to keep it all together. Sure it’s supposed to be funny, but there’s nothing funny about sitting in someone else’s… stuff. Or your own, for that matter. Perfect gift for any occasion, for vacations, or to keep in your diaper bag (in fact, better get at least a dozen for those inevitable on-the-fly gas station diaper changes).
Time To Get A-Head In That Cosmetology Class With This Rubber Practice Head
Okay, so not many folks are looking to “brush” up on their makeup techniques, but that’s only one possible use for this lifelike rubber head. Use your imagination! Great for Halloween pranks, workplace gags, driving illegally in the carpool lane, fooling the warden into thinking you’re still in your bed… the sky’s the limit! Made of skin-like silicone for that extra creep factor.
This Carbonated Clay Bubble Mask Is Kind Of Awesomely Gross
Like your first kiss, which maybe was just gross and if that’s the case I am so sorry I brought it up. Anyway, this mask does wonders for the face – your face, my face, everyone’s face. It contains natural collagen to help your skin maintain its elasticity and natural bubbly cleansers to get all the grime and makeup out of your poor pores. Bonus: your face will look like it’s auditioning for a part in the Poltergeist remake, but only until you rinse it off. Then it’s Angelic Glow City.
The Perfect Gift For Grandma! Crunchy Chewy Bigfoot Ballz
How can you go wrong with these Ballz? In the spirit of SNL’s Schweddy Balls skit comes the mysterious Bigfoot Ballz candy. A crunchy outer shell hides a sour gummi center because of course it does. So grow a pair, man up, and start eating some Ballz already. Or just give them to someone you hate… to see without a bag of Ballz. Bigfoot Ballz.
Time For Fluffy’s Turn On The Catwalk With This Inflatable Caticorn Horn
The description of this strap-on inflatable cat horn says “cats love it.” I know my cats always love it when I try to put hats and junk on them, so why wouldn’t they love this elastic strap-on horn? Okay, maybe it’ll be your cat’s fave new accessory and maybe it won’t, but what isn’t disputed is the “makes your cat extraordinary” line. Truly, a cat with a unicorn horn is the very definition of extraordinary. Majestic AF.
The Milk Carton Pencil Case Will Make Your Child The Envy Of Their Peers
So your precious little angel can lord it over their friends, get them this pencil case that looks like a small carton of milk. Maybe it doesn’t make sense to you, but to kids these things are the COOLEST. Not milk itself, mind you. Milk isn’t cool no matter what the American Dairy Farmers Association says. But this pencil case will get them mooving up the social ladder so fast you won’t have time to say “it does the body good” or even “osteoporosis.” Also, FINE, I want one, too.
These Simulated Bacon Bandages Are Phat With A “P-H.”
Because the milk carton pencil case has an outside (way outside) chance of not catching on, you’d best (live)stock up on these bacon bandages. I think someone once said that bacon was good on everything, and they were right—including ouchies. Comes in a nifty tin with 25 bandages, and as if that weren’t enough there is a bonus prize in every tin. P.s. They LOOK like bacon, they’re not FOR bacon. Also, they’re not bacon itself. Taste at your own risk.
Because Fidget Hendecagons Are So Last Year, This Fidget Dodecagon
They say these fidget things help with anxiety and stress and make you more focused. What was I saying? Oh yes. It started with fidget spinners, then fidget cubes, and now the 12-sided fidget dodecagon. I’m not saying that there is anything to these wild claims, but what I AM saying is that these things are kind of fun to mess with. Kind of like that friend of yours who never knows when you’re joking.
You Cannot Reach The Apex Of Laziness Without These Prism Glasses
These glasses from a blissful future where I never have to move again appear to be using submarine periscope-style optics. So you can plop your lazy buns down on the couch, your bed, or a recliner and watch television without having to use your soon-to-be-atrophied neck muscles to lift your incredibly lazy head in order to see the aforementioned boob-tube. So grab a couple of pairs of these prism glasses, a crate of Doritos, and we’ll see you in a few years when Dr. Phil has to hire a team to cut a wall out of your house so you can see sunshine again.
If You Don’t Love This Handi Squirrel Puppet Then I Cannot Help You
It’s got it all: hands, feet, and a head. And it’s a puppet. That looks like a squirrel. That you wear on your fingers. And the description says “Transforms hand into a squirrel” AND “Your hand will climb trees and forage for nuts.” Sold. And sold. Take my money, but give me this hand squirrel. I know what you’re thinking. “Hand squirrel” sounds like maybe it’s something else. Perhaps something naughty. But it’s not. It’s this thing.
You’ve Got To Have One Of These Book Safes Because. Just Because.
Even if you don’t have anything at all in the world worth keeping out of other peoples’ greedy mitts you still need this book safe. It’s so clandestine! Like James Bond spy gadget kind of stuff. And I’m guessing that you do indeed have something that needs to be cloaked in the guise of an innocent dictionary. Maybe it’s jewelry, or emergency cash. Maybe it’s your Walther PPK pistola. Maybe it’s the pee tape. Who knows? You do, that’s who. And you also know you’re going to have to get one of these now because. Just because.