Making a relationship work requires three things: kindness, patience, and trust (it helps if you guys like the same TV shows, but that one’s not necessary). The first two are entirely within your control — if you decide to be kind, it’s within your power. And it’s up to you what you let roll off your back and what you let become a problem.
But trust? Your partner has a big role to play in that one. If they’re behaving in a way that alters, or even breaks, the trust, there’s not a lot you can do… besides ask the internet for help.
And that’s just what Reddit-user, Throwawaymyspermazoa, did when he found out that his wife was pregnant… after his doctor had told him that he was sterile.
And while that should have been a big enough shock to the system on its own, it was only the beginning of a truly crazy story that is jam-packed full of twists and turns…
If you want to hear all of the juicy details of other people’s relationships, Reddit’s /r/relationship_advice is the sub for you. It’s where the internet goes to ask what they should do when their girlfriend suffers internal decapitation or they forgot to say congrats and caused a horror show.
This story, posted to /r/relationship_advice by Redditor, /u/Throwawaymyspermazoa, actually prompted another Reddit user, /u/LimeEasy, to say, “I’ve never been so attached to a story in my entire life.”
In his first post to the board, Throwawaymyspermazoa (which I officially feel weird calling another human being, but so goes the naming conventions of the internet) says that he and his wife,
“Decided last year that we wanted to start a family, her most likely keeping her job full time and me scaling back to part-time. We’ve both been anxious but pretty excited to have our own kids.”
Azoospermia is a condition that some men have which causes their ejaculate to not contain any actual sperm, meaning it’s essentially impossible for those who suffer from it to get a woman pregnant.
Luckily, azoospermia is oftentimes treatable.
Our boy Throwawaymyspermazoa had what’s called obstructive azoospermia, meaning there was an obstruction keeping sperm out of his seminal fluids.
This form of azoospermia is curable, though and Throwawaymyspermazoa had a surgery set for July.
Suddenly, out of the blue, Throwawaymyspermazoa’s wife missed her period, and after three pregnancy tests, the Throwawaymyspermazoa couple had to reckon with the fact that they were going to have a baby.
Redditor, /u/wastingtimeoflife, chimed in on Throwawaymyspermazoa’s first post, saying that in a lot of azoospermia cases, “the lab only looks at a tiny fraction of [seminal fluid] which usually gives a good response” and that he could still put out sperm and theoretically get his wife pregnant.
While it’s technically possible that Throwawaymyspermazoa could impregnate his wife, let’s Occam’s razor this situation — she probably cheated on him, right?
I mean, isn’t that way more likely than a one-in-a-million medical mystery?
This guy really, truly believes in his wife, writing in his Reddit post: “I can’t believe my wife would jeopardize the future we’ve been so excited for over some fling when we seem to have such a great emotional and physical connection.”
So he went to the subreddit /r/relationship_advice.
And that’s where the internet came in – with no one else to turn to, and with evidence pointing in conflicting directions, Throwawaymyspermazoa went to /r/relationship_Advice to find out what the hell he should do.
When something completely crazy happens – say, for instance, our bodies do something that all medical science tells us isn’t possible – it can be hard to wrap our minds around it. Sometimes, to grapple with that madness, our brains start telling us things that aren’t true.
So was Throwawaymyspermazoa making up problems? Let’s look at some evidence…
If she had cheated on him, she’d feel some guilt, right? In his posts, Throwawaymyspermazoa never describes his wife as trying to explain away the pregnancy – she just acts as though she’s pregnant and that it’s a miracle.
That’s not the behavior of a guilty person.
Throwawaymyspermazoa did mention that his wife’s job “often has her taking clients out for dinner” and that it’s “not uncommon for her to get back later in the evening.” If she wanted to cheat, she had the opportunity and the cover story.
Throwawaymyspermazoa says his wife “always wears one of the same two perfumes, but she came back one night smelling completely different.” Could another man have rubbed his scent off on her?
The easy way to find out is for Throwawaymyspermazoa to ask himself if his wife smelled like Axe Body Spray, since that’s pretty much the only type of scent that the kind of guys who’d be in a job involving late night dinner and drinks would ever wear.
Like any good person who has a conflict with someone that they care about would do, Throwawaymyspermazoa sat down with his wife to figure things out. He told her that something was bothering him.
“You know I’m not Ashley, right?” That’s it! That’s what she said to him! And suddenly, everything became clear to Throwawaymyspermazoa — this wasn’t about believing that his wife was cheating on him. This was about the emotional scars that he’d been left with by his ex, Ashley, who did, in fact, cheat on him.
Throwawaymyspermazoa came to the conclusion that this whole thing was not about his wife, but about himself, and his own issues.
Even after the conversation with his wife, Throwawaymyspermazoa still felt like she was being weird. And this is the second major twist of the story — she did start acting weird.
Seemingly to make sure he couldn’t come… Throwawaymyspermazoa described it: “She made the appointment for the one time Thursday that I mentioned I was busy working on-site. We were supposed to go together.”
This is the kind of thing that you do if you don’t really want to make sure that you’re pregnant with your husband’s baby, and, instead, want to talk to your doctor in private about what the hell you’re supposed to do.
But, let’s be honest, he wanted to see if his wife could’ve gotten pregnant. He wanted his doctor to tell him whether or not his wife was cheating on him (which, officially, is not a doctor’s job).
And he didn’t get… great news.
In his second post to /r/relationship_Advice, Throwawaymyspermazoa wrote, “The urologist thought it would be pretty unlikely that I wouldn’t need surgery to have a kid with how mine was presenting itself. He mainly tried to skirt around the topic, and mostly pushed me towards making sure she was actually pregnant.”
And then his wife moved money out of the joint account without telling him.
And, for me, this is the big one — Throwawaymyspermazoa saw that his wife had taken 1,700 dollars out of their joint checking account and moved it into her personal account. He said, “We don’t do that, she’s never needed to before.”
That’s a big time “I’m getting ready to leave you and I need to protect myself financially”-sort of move.
For the second time, Throwawaymyspermazoa asked his wife to talk about his worries. But to give you a sense of how this second conversation went, I’ll let you know that Throwawaymyspermazoa wrote about it in a third post to /r/relationship_Advice, and that post’s title began with “HAPPY UPDATE.”
In the post, Throwawaymyspermazoa said that his wife “agreed how inconsiderate [moving the money] was with where my head was at to do that without mentioning it.”
And especially when you consider that her husband had just talked to her about his insecurities vis a vis cheating, it was a pretty crummy move.
It was just a scheduling issue! It turns out that the clinic was only available at that inopportune time, so she just booked the appointment to make sure that she didn’t lose it.
Plus, this scheduling issue explains the money move, with Throwawaymyspermazoa saying, “Apparently the prenatal visits are so structured that they want you to set up a payment plan with them right away, and she wanted to make sure it was squared away to keep the appointment.”
Again, these are not the actions of a woman who is cheating. These are the actions of a woman who is just going about her business as if everything is fine and not being able to guess what’s going on in her husband’s mind.
The conclusion that Throwawaymyspermazoa and his wife came to — and I have no reason to doubt them, as this issue affects them a lot — is that “it is possible for some to get through,” meaning that it is very possible that Throwawaymyspermazoa can become a father, even in his azoospermia-ridden state.
It sounds like this “Ashley” really did a number on ol’ Throwawaymyspermazoa. When you’re hurt so deeply by a person, it’s a very natural reaction to do everything in your power to not be hurt the same way again… even if it means protecting yourself against antagonists who aren’t even there.
It does sound like his wife was being inconsiderate. There were more than enough pieces of evidence to suggest that she was cheating. Even if she isn’t, it still looks bad.
I mean, whether you killed someone or not — if the police find you holding a bloody knife at a crime scene next to a body, you’re going to have to do a lot of explaining.
At the end of the day, we all want to assign blame. Was Throwawaymyspermazoa the villain here for letting his past anxieties overwhelm him? Or was his wife in the wrong for acting obliviously?
User, /u/LearnedButt, the moderator of /r/relationship_Advice, wrote: “The issue is that this is your third post on the subject. We can’t have this turning into a live journal. Unless there is something significant (e.g., the kid’s not yours), which would require further input from the community with respect to advice, we have all the updating we need,” sneaking in at the last minute with an incredibly curt and unsympathetic reply.
What a great final twist!