People Are Slicing Their Bagels like Bread and It Has the Internet up in Flames

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Alek Krautmann probably thought he was doing a nice thing by bringing bagels into the office for his coworkers. He decided he would tweet out his good deed and let the internet know. Little did he realize that he would spark one of the largest debates Twitter has seen in a good long while. You see, Krautmann didn’t just buy regular bagels for his office. He had them “bread-sliced.”

To get a “bread-sliced” bagel, you take a regular bagel, and then instead of slicing it once horizontally to get two perfect bagel halves, you slice it like a loaf of bread, vertically several times, until you are left with bagel-chip sized slices of bagel. As a native New Yorker and a bagel purist, I am absolutely horrified by this practice, which Krautmann claims is a tradition in St. Louis. And I am not alone. Pretty much the whole internet freaked at the prospect of “bread-sliced” bagels.

Literally. Figuratively. Bagels are perfect just the way they are. I am from New York. I know what bagels are supposed to be like.

Alek Krautmann recently posted this picture of “bread-sliced” bagels he’d brought to his office, and the internet, rightly, went wild.

This is a straigh-up crime that should be punishable by law. What do you even do with the tiny little bread-sliced bagel circles from the middle of the bagel where the hole is?

I was so distraught when I saw the picture of the “bread-sliced” bagels that I had to leave the internet for at least an hour.

I was embarrassed for Alek and anyone else who thought that was OK. What is going on in St. Louis that this is a thing?

I am a Jew and a New Yorker and a lover of bagels, and so I am personally offended by “bread-sliced” bagels on at least three levels.

Is it just a tradition of mangling a perfectly gorgeous food item until it is unrecognizable and a shell of its former self?

Listen, if you want to take half a bagel, fine. Take half a bagel. I don’t even really mind if you cut that half vertically or horizontally.

For God’s sake. This is a travesty. A tragedy of epic proportions. I want to sit down with the people of St. Louis and ask them who hurt them.

But it’s also an embarrassment to sliced foods everywhere! Bananas will never be the same. Actual loaves of bread are having an identity crisis right now.

What do you even do with those poor, flimsy slices of bagel? It’s unconscionable.

And that’s unfortunate because they are known for some real culinary delights, like toasted ravioli (which isn’t really toasted…it’s ravioli that’s been breaded and fried like mozzarella sticks, and it’s frickin’ delicious).

In New York, you’ll be arrested on the spot if you slice a bagel like that. Or at least you would if I made the rules.

It’s already started on Twitter. It’s only a matter of time before it enters the bagel shops.

But cutting bagels is fine! It’s great! Just don’t slice ’em like bread. That’s all we’re saying.

Thank goodness. I knew every single person from St. Louis couldn’t be on board with this total madness.

And to those people I say, get out. Travel the world. Experience new things, like, say, the correct way to eat a bagel.

Bagel literally means ring. To unring a bagel is a crime not only against bagels but also against language!

Keep it to yourself, TJ. You don’t want to broadcast your bad opinions all over the internet. That’s not what the internet is for (ha ha).

The goal isn’t more cream cheese. The goal is the perfect ratio of cream cheese to bagel. And that can be achieved with a regularly sliced bagel.

They are more like circular bread, so it doesn’t really matter how they’re sliced. Clearly, no one who has had a good bagel would approve of this type of bagel massacre.

My dude, I don’t know what that is a picture of, but it sure doesn’t look like bagels. At all.

Listen up, and listen real good: Cream cheese is a spread. It is not a dip. This is so disturbing. I simply cannot.

St. Louis got so slice happy that they shouldn’t be allowed to slice anything ever again. Kids at soccer games will have to peel and eat whole oranges from now on.

It’s the official opinion! That’s a big institution when it comes to food practices.

If you don’t believe me, at least believe Chrissy Teigen. She knows what she’s talking about. She writes cookbooks!

If you need more proof, Dana Loesch, NRA spokesperson, is for “bread-sliced” bagels.

That’s about all the evidence you should need. Don’t be like Dana Loesch, who will end up on the wrong side of history on literally every single issue, from guns to bagels.

Sure, regionalisms are great. I love when southerners say “y’all.” But this isn’t a regionalism. This is a bastardization of a perfect product.

It turns out that Einstein Bros. Bagels is owned by Nazis. So I guess in comparison, “bread-sliced” bagels are way worse. (Just kidding. Kind of.)

Put down the knife, step away from the bread slicer, and eat a whole bagel like an adult human. Thank you and goodnight. Share with someone who will understand the outrage.