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Dating is hard. It's terrifying to put yourself out there and ask someone else to like you. It's hard to find someone you click with. It takes a lot of time to sort through all the people that aren't good matches. Oh, and there are some absolutely awful humans out there who will make your life hell.

Don't believe me? Maybe you'll believe the people who lived it. Reddit asked for people's worst date stories and boy did they deliver. If you think you know how bad it can get: you don't. I'm thanking my lucky stars that my worst date was just awkward instead of ending in vomit or breaking the law.

Now that they've come out the other side these stories are truly hilarious. So grab yourself some tea, make yourself comfy, and settle in for some wild rides. These dates are exactly what you do not want to happen...but they make some incredibly good stories.

The first lesson we'll learn here today is do not get wasted (or be super racist) on your first date.

from AskReddit
Met a girl on OkCupid. She seemed cute, we had stuff in common. Arranged a date. Day of comes, she lives outside of my city, so I agree to meet her at the train station. When she shows up, she stinks of vodka. I didn't think much of it, I thought maybe she was one of those people who has a drink and the smell comes out on them. You know, benefit of the doubt type thing. We get to a bar, and have a few drinks. Turns out she was close to wasted and the drinks I bought her sent her over the edge. She started saying lots of racist stuff. I was a little disturbed. Didn't know what to do. It had been a while since I had a potential suitor, and I might not have been thinking with my brain. So I didn't call it quits at that time. She then tells me she's a cam girl, but wouldn't give me any details. We continue for a while, and when I'm sufficiently drunk myself, I go in for a kiss. She pulls away like I was a stranger and we hadn't just spent like 3 hours on a date together. At that point I'm done. If she's not into me, and is a drunk racist, then I can't see why I keep going. I get up to leave, and she doesn't understand why. Refused to let me go. Started yelling at me in the bar. I left, and never responded to anything she said again. Very weird. -JaladinTanagra

The second tip is to not tell your date how you're super in love with someone else.

from AskReddit
I lived in a border city at the time and he was in the next city over. He drove into town to attend a friend of mine's birthday party (giant amount of people at a bar drinking/playing pool, so very low pressure). After I introduced him to a man I considered a brother to me, he proceeded to spend the next 3 hours telling me about how "he has a friend like that" who he has been in love with for years, but whenever he asks her out she says no. Not the same thing, dude. -YamaraPSN

This one is just sad: sounds like the guy was just not ready to be dating.

from AskReddit
My first date was a blind date. I went to a movie with this guy my friend described as "a little shy". It turned out to be a....mild understatement! In the fifteen minutes before the credits, despite all my efforts, he said exactly ONE word: "no." (I'd asked him if he'd seen the movie before.) Anything else I said or asked him just got a shrug or a monosyllabic kind of "rnh" sound. After the movie, in the 10 minutes before our group left, I got my second word of the night- "yes!" (Had he liked the movie?) I felt sorry for him, honestly. He was the kind of shy that has a hard time looking people in the face, or even above the knees, so I felt kinda proud I'd even gotten a second word! Poor guy. I hope he got over that! -GingerNerd87

And here we have an example of "don't bring up your weird pseudoscience on the first date."

from AskReddit
Being told my chakras were poorly aligned within 5 minutes of starting a blind date, led into an unwilling discussion of crystal divination and then I asked for the check and got the hell out of there. -FireEmblemBoy

There's a lot happening here, but grey as a favorite color is really amazing.

from AskReddit

Chewed with mouth open

Made a weird ''HA?!'' sound instead of saying "excuse me?" or "what?"

Stared off into space for 1 whole minute before responding to a question.

We sat in silence for 15 minutes (no joke) while I waited for an answer to ''What's your favourite colour?'' The answer was ''Grey''.

-SpaceWhale89

This is what we call moving too fast.

from AskReddit
Went out with a woman who I ended up finding out was not only divorced, but had a kid, so that was kind of a shock. Then she proceeded to ask me things like whether or not my parents would like her? or is she pretty? or if we got married scenarios. At one point she started crying when I answered something not to her liking and when I tried to walk back on it to smooth things out she suddenly snapped back smile [so basically crocodile tears]. Mind you, this is all on the first date. At this point, I should probably mention that I suck at saying goodbyes, especially when it comes to finding the best wording to end a date and signal that it's probably not going to work out. Instead I said something wishy-washy instead of just saying "I'm not interested." Anyway, she proceeds to call me the next several days asking stuff like when our next date was going to be. Finally manned up and said we shouldn't see each other again, but that didn't stop her from calling my phone repeatedly. Ended up having to block her to end it. -chewytime

Look friends, don't go on dates if you're in a relationship. It's just bad.

from AskReddit

I went on a date with a guy. It was a nice date until the end. We were eating ice cream outside at one of those tables when his ex girlfriend drives up. She gets out of the car and starts yelling at him. He tells me sorry and that hes going to talk to her real quick. He comes back and said he has to go but that we should do this again sometime. I tell him not likely and I left.

I thought that was the end of it but when I was applying for a job at the mall, that girl was a manager there although I didnt recognize her. Apparently she started crying when she saw me and told the hiring manager that she couldn't work with me. They gave me the job still but transferred me to a different store. I found out later that she wasnt his ex they were actually living together when I went on that date. I wasnt too worried about it, he told me he was completely single so it wasnt my fault. Super annoying how she blamed me for her man's actions and tried to make it so I couldn't get a job.

-gaspandsaywhat

This is more than 1 bad date, this is a relationship built of red flags.

from AskReddit
I was barely 21 and started dating a slightly older, recently divorced car salesman. First it was fun, he seemed sweet, the sex was sexy, etc etc. But then he (1) showed up in my apartment stairwell drunk at midnight, howling with sobs over his ex and upsetting the neighbors (2) insisted I keep him company on a day trip to his hair-plug doctor and (2) took me to a movie and started jerking it during a shower sex scene. -Cephalopodio

Here's another solid tip: insulting the looks of your date will not win you points.

from AskReddit
One of my old classmates asked me out for coffee. He arrived 45 minutes later. I bought a brownie to munch on, which he ate 3/4th of. He told me I have a moustache (I had it threaded off a day ago). He joked that I should walk home to burn off some fat. I told him to fuck off and walked out of that one. Oh and his friend showed up in the middle of all this too. He was equally bad. -zephyrKiss

Sometimes it's not the date's fault...

from AskReddit
I forgot the one where iid just started dating, my mom showed up, at a movie theater, she walks in and dumps my drink and popcorn on me as a prank and leaves. WTF. -RavenMysteries1331

Look there's nothing wrong with living with your parents, but a first date should not be "meeting the rents".

from AskReddit
He was an adult... He lived with his mom, which I did not know, not of need but because he wanted to... Our first and only date was to go to his house to meet his mom and sit in his childhood bedroom... Weird. -RavenMysteries1331

Wow, ghosting in the middle of a date is a power move.

from AskReddit
Years ago, I was talking to a guy on yahoo messenger. We decided to meet up for a date. We meet in person and ....he's nice looking, no stunner but neither am I. We take off in his car to a really nice part of San Francisco where he says he lives. We talk about this and that, nothing too serious yet, just the usual chitchat. We get to his neighborhood and there's no parking. After looking for parking for 10-15 minutes, he drops me off in front of this cafe and says, ''You stand in line and I'll go find parking." I think no biggie, conversation was good, everything seemed fine. So I wait.....and wait....and wait. Yeah, he never showed up. Ugh. -gimmewool

Again, do not ditch your date in the middle of hanging out.

from AskReddit
I went on a date with a girl in grade 9, her mom was a bit overprotective and didn't want us hanging out because she knew we had a thing. We were at a bowling alley with a couple of our friends and she got a text from her mom saying she was going to come check up on her. I went and hid in the mens washroom while her mom came and checked up on everyone, her friend told me she'd text me when I could come out. I waited about 20 minutes in there and finally got a text from her friend saying "hey we got bored so we went somewhere else. You'll have to find your own ride home lol sorry". Needless to say I never hung out with anybody in that group again. -swashcuckle

Dates that end in vomit are just...not good.

from AskReddit

She proceeds to pound tequila until she can barely stand, like 3:1 ratio of drinks between us. Have to help her to the Uber and end up having to take her back to my place as she was too messed up for the driver to take her back to her place. She puked all over the floor in front of the coffee table, I clean (the smell...) and swear to myself I’ll never see her again.

She then wakes up 2 hours later and decides that she wants a snack. I’m dozing in a chair nearby and I wake up to her rummaging in my pantry and eating my chips and cookies. 30 seconds later, she vomits into the chip bag. She drops the bag on the floor and tells me how this is all my fault because I didn’t take her to get anything to eat after we left the bar.

Moved her outside and put her into an Uber as fast as I could. Blocked her number and her social media, so of course she messaged me on LinkedIn to tell me I’m an awful person but she’d be willing to give me a second chance if I took her somewhere fun.

-KidPowered17

You'd think that breaking your ankle would be the worst part of the date, but you'd be wrong.

from AskReddit

2018 Christmas at the advice of my friends, I went ice skating rink with someone who we connected via friend of a friend sort of arrangement.

Want to preface, I'm 6'4 and I have poor balancing issues, a slight breeze could make me topple over and I was never good at bikes, scooters, boards or skates and this was going on an whole nother level.

No big deal, some shakey poses will make for a good laugh and maybe some supportive contact right? Wrong, I barely lasted 5 minutes before I fell broke my wrist and twisted my ankle and promptly had to leave the rink.

What does my date do? She acts like she never came with me and instead finds a new dance partner and leaves with him instead. Never heard from her again and never want to.

-Umbran_scale

If you thought having a girlfriend was bad, this one really escalates the situation.

from AskReddit
A friend set me up with a guy she knew. She had been dating his brother and said he was a really nice guy. So we talk on the phone a bit, seems like a pretty cool guy. We decide that we will hang out at his place and he will cook dinner.

On the way he says he needs to pick up a couple things for dinner, so we stop at a local grocery store. We're in the grocery store making small talk and pick out vegetables. All of a sudden I hear slow clapping and notice this woman walking up to us. "oh Dave, she's beautiful! You really picked a good one this time." She looks at me and goes "Did he forget to mention he's married?" At the same time a kid runs up to him screaming "DADDY!!". I was completely caught off guard. They start to argue and people are looking at us. We leave and he has to the nerve to ask if I'm still coming over... No drop me off at home please...

-justsomegirl2779

Also, don't have sex with someone other than your date and still expect to get some.

from AskReddit

In my late teens, I took this girl to a pub for our third date. I had been at work since very early in the morning, so around midnight I suggested that we finish the date, and make plans for the next time we go out. She really wanted to stay for a while longer, so she gave me her house keys, and said to go home to her place to sleep, she will wake me up later "in a nice way". Naturally, I assumed this would be for some awesome sex (we didn't have sex on dates 1 or 2, which I was fine with), so I was anticipating that wake up.

She gets home in the wee small hours of the morning, and slides into bed with me. I start fingering her thinking that she was really wet. I was about to go down on her, and smelled a familiar smell. Turns out she got a lift home with another bloke, and she fucked him in his car, outside her house. She then brought her vagina full of fresh cum into bed, expecting me not to notice.

I couldn't get out of there quick enough.

She called later, and couldn't work out why I wasn't cool with her behaviour, and no longer wanted to see her...

-Feed_my_Mogwai

Stalking: never a good look.

from AskReddit
I meet a guy at the bus stop on my campus. He seems nice, well dressed...so I said yes to a date. We met for coffee on campus at 10am. I informed him I had a dr. Appointment at 3 and would have to leave. The first half of the date was just him talking about conspiracy theories and the drugs he was currently experimenting in.I knew then he wasnt right for me. Finally he asked what program I am taking. I am in Child care specializing in childhood disorders. He told me that was dumb and I should drop out. He suggested I join nursing because he finds nurses hot. Finally its 2:30 and I told him I had to leave. He decided he didnt want the date to end. So he got on the bus with me and followed me to my doctors appointment. At this point I was freaked out. So I called my male friend to pick me up. My date begged for a ride home. And his house was on the way so I said sure. (Too nice for my own good). He noticed my friend was a guy and started freaking out. Cause it was rude of me to be talking to other people of the opposite gender. We dropped him off and I blocked his number. I now take a different bus. -embear7

ABSOLUTELY NOT.

from AskReddit
Not me, but my mom. She went on a date with a kinda odd guy. They went to a casual restaurant. This man proceeds to take off his shoes and socks, pull over a chair, and ask my mom to cut his toenails for him. Afterwards, he got food poisoning from the restaurant and had to have his stomach pumped. -Dawnbadawn

Ew ew ew ew.

from AskReddit
We met up in the supermarket's parking lot. He showed up drunk. Then he took me to a stoner hangout place outside, where he drank even more. There were a bunch of other people there, including one girl who thought it was a good idea to mix pain killers and alcohol. I sat with her for a while, made sure she was okay and arranged for her brother to pick her up. When the girl left, I looked for my date - only he wasn't there. He'd gone to Burger King and came back with a Whopper, for himself. He continued to eat the whopper while trying to slowdance with me. He then tried to kiss me with a mouthful of burger. Needless to say I went home early. -[deleted]

There's presumptuous and then there's whatever this is.

from AskReddit
Met a guy off tinder who went to my University. I asked him if he wanted to grab Starbucks from the one on campus when we met and he said "I don't like froufrou fake coffee." Great start. As soon as we're sitting down he started telling me his life story (I was 20 and he was 27) and tells me about his ex that he was in a four year relationship with. Tells me she was a bitch and stole his cat. Also asked me if I worked out/how much I weighed because I "had a good frame but lacked muscle" (???) and when I told him I didn't he said "when you're my girlfriend we'll change that." Thankfully some guy he knew from a class saw us and came by to ask him for homework help so I was able to escape. I tried texting my friend to come over and save me but he saw me on Facebook messenger, TOOK MY PHONE, and added himself on Facebook. He was blocked asap. This whole "date" also only lasted about 30 minutes. That experience and several others are keeping me permanently off dating apps. -bananicula

Fortnite is how I decide who I'll date too.

from AskReddit
Met a guy on Tinder at a Starbucks. He made me show him my Spotify playlist and critiqued it then talked about Fortnite and got upset at me when I said that I didn't like/play it. -Tails_of_Nine

I know that it's bad form to write everything in all caps in an article, but pooping on the floor definitely warrants it. WHAT IS HAPPENING.

from AskReddit
Met a girl on Tinder. Thought things were going well as she asked to Uber back to my place to hook up after the date, but she proceeded to puke in the toilet and poop (a little) on the bathroom floor. We weren’t even that drunk. -RoosterCog

Sorry, attempted murder is not something you drop in casual conversation.

from AskReddit
So I set up an on line date with this guy, my first date after an 8 year LTR. We were meeting at a bar for a drink. He is giving off a weird vibe, but I figure maybe it's just nerves. As the date goes on he proceeded to get really drunk, I just had one drink. I mean he was double fisting beers and shots. At this point I'm like, ok, not a keeper, but whatever. I ask him how he's getting home...well he didn't have a car because of all the DUIs. (Oh God). I offer to drive him home since he is wasted. The best part comes on the way to his house. He told me he was in prison for attempted murder. Wtf?!? I feel like that should be something you lead with before the date. Needless to say I did not see him again. -DutchessPeabody

Oh no. Oh no oh no. This one just keeps getting worse.

from AskReddit

I met a chick online that seemed pretty cool. We texted for about 2 weeks before we met up for drinks. She asks if I want to hang out at her house... so I obliged.

Then it got really weird. She had a male roommate that stared a lot longer than he should have... turns out she is in the business of bringing men back to her apartment so he can watch them have sex with her.

Plot twist: it was her dad.

-jziegle3227

Ok this is actually hilarious.

from AskReddit

A long time ago I went on a blind date (yeah, I know, but she wasn't that bad looking.) Over dinner, she asked me what I did for a living, and I told her that I worked in an office doing computer stuff.

I then made the mistake of asking her the same question.

She worked at a poultry production plant, where she inspected duck carcasses. She explained in great detail what they looked for, and how you tell whether a duck's lungs are healthy or infected with TB, and all the other stuff that ducks can have that makes them fail inspection, and what they did with the ones that failed (sent for more inspection), and how the whole place smelled. She continued throughout the entire meal, just barely pausing to shove food into her mouth from time to time.

I paid for dinner, gave her a hug, and we went our separate ways.

-Wadsworth_McStumpy

Bite marks?

from AskReddit
We are driving around looking for a place to grab lunch. I keep suggesting all these restaurants and he shoots all my ideas down. I jokingly suggest the Subway in Walmart. He's for it. Soon as we get our sandwiches he says every night he dreams he's fighting demons and he knows the dreams are real because he wakes up with bite marks. On the way home he asked if i wanted to hunt ghost with him. -ketometer

This is a new one: codependency with your dog.

from AskReddit
She kept cancelling and rescheduling due to her dog's anxiety. I set up a date at a brewery that had an outdoor patio so she could bring the little dog and it wouldn't get anxiety from being alone. Throughout the date she talked to the dog and when we talked, she mainly talked about him (the dog) and how everyone was thinking he was so cute and wants to pet him. Watching someone have a longer and more involved conversation with their dog than me while we were on a date was astonishing to me. -ProseBe4Hoes

It is truly a bold move to take a phone call in the middle of the movie theater.

from AskReddit

She wanted to see Twilight. We went to the movies and she talked at regular volume about pointless irrelevant dross during the film. The cinema was approximately 50% capacity. I suggested we leave and grab a beer so we can chat. No, she was comfortable and enjoying the movie. She even took a call on her phone.

I left about 30 minutes into the film. Shit movie, shit date.

I have yet to see the 2nd half of the film or her again.

-Conan-doodle

And of course...you should probably call your date a Nazi. It always goes over well.

from AskReddit

I went on a date with a guy I met via Badoo last year. Here are some highlights:

  • "You're a gamer girl, you're not fat, and you're as attractive as you are in your pictures? What's the catch?"

-Mishears "Support worker" as "Social worker" after asking what I do for a living, and proceeds into a tirade about how all social workers are "government Nazis", who steal children from homes and place them into foster care, and says nothing more on the matter when I correct him.-

  • When the date ended (after around 90 minutes longer than it should have been) "Are you coming with me or not?"

He texted me the next day saying he had a lovely time, and that he wouldn't mind seeing me again. No.

-matildamint