For most of us, online dating is a huge drag. For every exciting match, there’s a gross pickup line. For every fun conversation about your favorite movies, there’s a dull conversation about what you got up to this weekend. For every solid first date, there’s ghosting. It is exhausting! No one would blame online daters for asking if the whole endeavor is even worth it.
But sometimes, an online date can prove its worth in the very first pickup line. Once in a great while, you get a prompt from a new Tinder or Bumble match that’s so much fun you can’t help but giggle. And so, in an effort to save you from having to swipe for hours to find that one hilarious diamond in the rough, we’ve collected the best opening conversations from the /r/Tinder subreddit for you.
GUY: How much does a polar bear weigh?
GIRL: Enough to break the ice 😉
GUY: You’d think that but no, polar bears live on ice, that’d be pretty dumb if they fell through it all the time.
After matching with a girl named Izzy:
GUY: Can I get bizzy with Izzy
GUY: Can I get busy with iusy
IZZY: Your not good with spelling
GUY: You know, the more Ys somebody has in their “heyy,” the more interested they are in you. With that being said, heyyyy
GUY: You from here?
GUY: Nice. Know any good spots for a date?
GUY: Is there one you prefer?
GUY: I bet I can guess you’re favorite style of art.
GIRL: go for it
GUY: Let’s role play that we’re old best friends who haven’t seen each other in 10 years and are talking for the first time since then.
GUY: You start.
GIRL: omfg kenzen?!! wtf I never expected to see you on here! It’s been forever dude. I guess I haven’t seen you since the whole Eiffel tower incident lol, how have you been?
GUY: Who is this?
GUY: (You’re doing great)
GIRL: You don’t remember me? Olivia? We had chem together sophomore year, I was always wearing black jeans and doc martens… ring a bell?
GIRL (Thank you, this is fun)
GUY: Ooohh!! Olivia! Sorry, I just got a new phone and all my contacts were deleted.
GUY: What was your number again?
GIRL: Oh you slick.
GIRL: You deserve it honestly.
GUY: What’s your major?
GIRL: How bout a more unique question…
GUY: Which vegetable gives you the most anxiety
GIRL: Kiwis! Bad experience with one as a kid
GUY: That’s a fruit
GUY: Pick the following options:
A) Cheesy pick up line
B) Interesting fact
C) Filthy pickup line
GUY: Vikings used the bones of slain animals when smithing new weapons believing this would enchant the weapon with the animal’s spirit. This actually made the weapons stronger because the carbon in the bones coupled with the iron made a primitive version of steel.
GIRL: Can I pick another option
GUY: Show me those tits fart
Then, two years later, a response…
GIRL: Hi I know it’s been 2 years but this message keeps me up at night.
GIRL: What does it mean
GIRL: I love your smile
GUY: Thanks! Took me a long time to collect all these teeth
GIRL: Creepy lol
GUY: Oh! OMG yeah, I didn’t mean that to be creepy
GUY: I just meant it took a long time to find a bunch of homeless people with matching teeth
GUY: Hey Sofie, your smile is contagious haha. So, did you match with me for the exclusive Pokémon facts, or for the Portuguese drink tasting?
GIRL: Haha def for the Pokémons!
GUY: Did you know that Ditto is a failed clone of Mew?
Then, after days without a response…
GUY: I know, I was speechless for days too when I found out
GUY: Hey this is my cat. I just had to show someone, he is awesome.
GUY: [LINK TO PICTURE OF CAT]
GIRL: He’s so cute
GUY: Yeah you wouldn’t believe how many times he’s gotten me dates on here. Go ahead and guess
GUY: Yeah you’re right. I guess I’m gonna have to put him down.
GIRL: Wait what
GUY: Wanna know the chances of us hooking up?
GUY: Ever check the weather and it says 0% chance of rain but it still rains anyway?
GUY: My point is, Theresa, I’m no meteorologist but I think Theresa chance of rain
GIRL: So what’s your story
GUY: In West Philadelphia born and raised
On the playground is where I spent most of my days
Chilling out, maxing, relaxing all cool
And all shooting some b-ball outside of the school
When a couple of guys who were up to no good
Started making trouble in my neighborhood
I got in one little fight and my mom got scared
And said “You’re moving with your auntie and uncle in Bel-Aire”
GIRL: Well damn! That is a story. Glad you’re safe. I’m from Texas. Sports and school are why I am here in the Stl area.
GUY: Happy Sunday… so what has made you smile this weekend? (besides matching with me ;)). I’d say mine is volunteering for the Tim Tebow prom for mental disabilities. I am headed to Bloomington today and if my Hoosiers could win I’m sure that would complete my weekend. Very pretty girl btw.
GIRL: Oh that’s super cool! But how’s your arm?
GUY: What do you mean
GIRL: Oh I thought you broke it patting yourself on the back
GIRL: Sam, this is so weird. You look exactly like my future ex-husband.
GUY: Yeah, I’m 5’8″ so I can see me being really into you for your edgy haircut and obvious quick wit but that inch you have on me is only going to get in my head and eat away at my confidence. I’ll probably turn gay and we’ll have to divorce.
GIRL: That’s a storybook romance if I ever heard one 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂
GIRL: In all seriousness though, I don’t have any issue with height differences. So we may need to find some underlying issue to tear apart our marriage.
GUY: Idk, this is Tinder, I’m also probably a serial killer so who knows.
GIRL: I really doubt that. What are the chances that 2 serial killers match with each other?
GUY: Hello Laura! You look pretty fly! [PLANE EMOJI]
GUY: Sorry if that opening pun was a little plane
GUY: I was just winging it…
GIRL: So where are you from
GUY: Haha I see none of those jokes really took off
GIRL: Please roast me
GUY: Girl u look roasted enough
GUY: Roast me back
GIRL: What did the 2 say to the 9
GUY: “Please roast me” hahaha
GUY: Question: what if I peaked in pre-school?
GIRL: If you can explain to me how one peaks in pre-school THEN I will be impressed
GUY: For my birthday I gave everyone goodie bags full of candies and everybody liked me
GUY: After that it was a downward spiral
GUY: Can you solve a Rubik’s cube in less than 12 seconds?
GIRL: No way
GUY: Okay good neither can I
GUY: Just wanted to make sure I wouldn’t be intimidated by you
GIRL: Haha okay good
GUY: Okay sweet we’re dating now
GUY: That’s how Tinder works
GUY: Or so I’m told
GIRL: Lol ok but I don’t think my boyfriend would like that
GUY: No I’m fine with it
GUY: Hey! What’s a flat earther’s greatest fear?
GIRL: falling off
GUY: Sphere itself
GIRL: Shut up, don’t EVER say sphere to me again
GIRL: Tell me two truths and one lie… ready… set.. go!!
GUY: I’ll try, but I’m really bad at lying. Here goes:
1. Chocolate chip cookies are my favorite food.
2. I did yoga this morning and then napped most of the day.
3. I’m in the process of finding my father’s true killer. The police, the courts, everyone says the man in jail for the crime, Roderick Delaney, is the culprit, but I don’t believe them. Roderick was a close friend of the family and while he did get into a fight with my father over money shortly before the murder, a hand injury from the war left Roderick unable to fire a pistol, a fact glossed over at trial by his incompetent public attorney. In addition, Roderick maintains that there was another man on the property that night, and security footage confirms his presence. I will not rest until this man is found, and I can find out what he knows. He could be the key to solving this mystery… or just one more piece of the puzzle.
GUY: Now you!
GUY: Want to order pizza?
GIRL: I don’t eat cheese
GUY: [THAT IMAGE UP THERE OF THE “CROW OF JUDGEMENT”]
GIRL: For medical reasons lol
GUY: You should have stated how weak your bloodline was in your Tinder bio
GUY: You’re so cute it’s sKaren me.
GUY: I tried to make a pun out of your name but I guess you didn’t Karenough to notice
GUY: Are you a New Year’s resolution? Because I plan on doing you for the first few weeks of January and then totally forgetting about you until the end of 2019
GIRL: Are you my New Years resolution because I’m not planning on doing you at all
GUY: You and a super-intelligent snail both get one million dollars, and you both become immortal, however you die if the snail touches you. It always knows where you are and slowly crawls toward you. What’s your plan?
GIRL: Is this an amphibious snail?
GUY: Well he’s immortal so he can go anywhere
GIRL: Do I get to know where he is?
GUY: Nope, but he knows where you are
GIRL: Okay. First I move to Hawaii. Let’s say the snails move on average 0.03 mph. To move one mile, it takes him 33.3 hours. I’d move to Maui, which is 3,815 miles away. He would have to travel for 127,167 hours to reach me, or about 14.5 years. 7 years after moving to Maui, I would move to Rome to ensure that he’d either have to travel the entire Pacific Ocean or turn around and travel back through the Panema Canal. I would continue calculating how long it takes him to get halfway to where I move to, then switch continents at the halfway point. This also prevents people from noticing me not aging or getting sick.
GIRL: Additionally, immediately invest 1/4 of the money, put 1/2 in savings/safe bonds with high interest rates, and us 1/4 to live off of initially, thereafter living off dividends of my investments.
GUY: Hey, wanna steal my comfiest hoodie?
GIRL: What the heck yes
GUY: Sweet, but you’ve got two choices. You prefer burgundy or more of an olive green?
GIRL: Olive green I’d say
GIRL: Or whichever one’s bigger
GUY: Okay, I’ll be sure to wear that on our first date
GUY: Speaking of, when is that?
GIRL: hey pretty smooth
GUY: HEY GIRL U WANT SOME GOOD SEX?
GUY: THEN U CAME TO THE RIGHT GUY
GUY: Wait do you live alone?
GIRL: Yes! I’m going to have a tiny little studio lol
GUY: Oh god your neighbors are gonna hate us
GIRL: Oh really now? 😉
GUY: Yeah I’m really good at uh
GUY: Checks notes
GUY: Hi… teach me something and I’ll make you blush
GIRL: Cats can feel their death coming before it happens and think they can run away from it, so they often die alone far from their homes.
– [deleted user]
GIRL: YOUR DISTANCE INCREASED SINCE WE MATCHED. WHERE DO YOU LIVE?
GUY: Noxville 🙁
GIRL: THAT’S THE HARD KNOX LIFE FOR US
GUY: Why are you yelling at me
GIRL: YOU SAID YOU HATE SMALL TALK, SO I’M MAKING IT BIG.
GUY: I love you