Proof That Beggars Really Shouldn't Be Choosers | 22 Words

Reddit's seen a recent influx of "choosy beggars" — the kind of people who take advantage of someone else's generosity and then make unreasonable demands on top of it. We see a lot of choosy beggars when someone's trying to sell something second-hand online, where the item in question is already very cheap (or even free).

When the seller refuses the choosy beggar's request for a deeper discount, or to have a free item delivered to them, then they inadvertently ruin Christmas for the beggar's child, to whom they've already promised the item in question. Also, the beggar is almost always a single parent. What kind of cold-hearted person would refuse to deliver a free coffee table to the child of a single parent and also the child is very sick?

We're about to find out. Here are some of the internet's least self-aware, and most hilarious, choosy beggars.

I'm afraid we are at an impasse.

In this beggar's defense, they actually wield the Mind Stone, one of Thanos' powerful Infinity Stones, which allows its user to bend reality to their will.

Amber, known to all as "The Patience-Tester."

A coin-op machine operator had worked out a great deal with a charity, where he left his machines for free and took 10 percent of the profits until the machines were paid off. But then, whoever he worked the deal out with was replaced by Amber, a choosing beggar. Choosing Beggar: Hi there, I can't find the keys to the lock on the change drawer for any of our machines. Coin-op operator: Hi Amber, the keys are with me, as my guys are the ones who empty the change and tally it every fortnight. Choosing Beggar: So you're saying that you don't trust us with the keys so you need to come out and count the money yourself? Coin-op operator: No it was just a mutual agreement at the time, but since you put it that way. Yes. Definitely. Choosing Beggar: How do I know you're not the one stealing?? Choosing Beggar: The locks will be changed and you won't extort us further. Coin-op operator: Extort? They cost me $6k. I gave them to you for free. 10 percent of the takings goes towards paying them off. You keep 90 percent. How is that hard to understand? Choosing Beggar: We are done here. Either the keys or I change the locks. Coin-op operator: I'll bring the keys tomorrow. Choosing Beggar: I thought so. I'm in from 9 AM through 2:30 PM. Don't play games with people, you'll eventually find someone better than you. Coin-op operator: I'll be taking the machines with me though. I'll see you at 9 AM. Choosing Beggar: I'll have the police waiting. Good luck with that! Coin-op operator: No need. I'll bring the sheriff with me. I'm sure he'll explain it to you very, very slowly. Choosing Beggar: The sheriff won't come out at a day's notice. Nice try though, but you're messing with someone above your pay grade. You'll be leaving in handcuffs. Bye! Coin-op operator: You can call the sheriff personally. I'll call him and let him know to expect your call. Choosing Beggar: It's probably a friend of yours who will also be arrested for impersonating an officer of the law. Not very smart of you... I'll humor you though. And then, after a few minutes... Choosing Beggar: He explained it a lot better than you did. You could have been more professional and explained it in layman's terms. I want this paid off ASAP as I do not wish to deal with you any further. Coin-op operator: That's a pretty sh*tty apology Amber. I'll be there at 9 AM to collect my units. I'll write a check for the amount paid so far.

I'm looking for the elusive "double bargain."

This dude straight-up saw an armchair on the internet for free and decided that was not enough. I don't know how you sweeten the pot when the pot is already so sweet it'll make you sick.

And if that doesn't just sum it all up...

A choosing beggar posted to Reddit with the headline "Looking for a bass guitarist to write a bass line for me." A bassist replied: Bassist: Sweet! Is $100 cool or... Choosing Beggar: Keep dreaming bro. I do this stuff for fun, not for money. Bassist: For the record I think $100 is more than fair, a credit on an unknown artist's track isn't really worth anything. Choosing Beggar: I could buy a bass guitar for 100 and learn how to play myself haha Bassist: Then do it and stop asking people to do work for free. Choosing Beggar: lol "work" Asking for work and then discrediting that work? Ooh, you best believe that deserves a punchin.'

Baby, you can order anything you want, so long as it's free.

Man, this is what's so frustrating about choosing beggars — they just don't see. how hypocritical they're being! I get so angry about these things I just want to type out a long, angry response. Thank god for people like @cloutboyjojo, who can put it in perspective so succinctly.

Gonna need you to make it look like this.

This Redditor received a text from a coworker on the other side of the building that they'd never met: Choosing Beggar: Hey, I heard you baked a cake for your team-member on his birthday. It's my birthday next week, can you back me a cake and bring it into the office? It's free right? Coworker: Hi, yes I baked it for him but we usually pool money to buy a cake or someone volunteers to make it instead. Are you sure you want me to bake it? I've never spoken to anyone on your side of the office. Choosing Beggar: I was gonna buy a cake but it's free to ask you to make it, so... Choosing Beggar: Can you do this cake, on Monday bring it to my desk at two and I'll just give it to everyone so it's not awkward for you to talk to my people. Then they sent a picture of that beautiful-looking cake and said... Choosing Beggar: It's ferro rochers and lindt truffles and stuff but you can just count the costs as my birthday gift lol Coworker: I can make you box cake or cookies? Choosing Beggar: WTF? You're joking, right lol
When the coworker refused, the choosing beggar told them to watch their back because HR might want a word soon!

Solving problems like this is why they pay CEOs the big bucks.

What to do, what to do? Mm, these dilemmas are so tricky to figure out. Your employees work hard during the time they are paid to work hard? Not sure how I would handle that, but certainly some form of action is required.

Then go buy them online, dude.

Wow, an entire customer base of choosing beggars led the owner of this shop to have to post up a sign. I wonder how many CBs actually pay the surcharge? For a lot of them, I have to imagine it's not about saving money, but exerting power. Maybe it's worth 100 bucks to them to make a shop owner feel bad?

Can I get this all wrapped up, and also more?

What's even worse is, the next day this choosing beggar went back to the restaurant and ordered breakfast on the coworker's tab. That breakfast was, of course, a steak and two pieces of cheesecake.

Not enough discount!

I wonder where these choosing beggars get their numbers from. Why is 10 percent the number they would be satisfied with? Why not 15 percent? 20? 100? At some point, even people in the military have to pay money for goods and services.

*Clenches fist so tight I break my fingers*

Don't waste-- don't waste your time?! I just-- I can't-- you're wasting-- ARRRRGGHH.

Tough but fair.

Here's the one-star review for Subway that inspired that tweet: As a last minute resort, me and my sister went to this Subway to get 63 footlong subs for my grandson's confirmation party and had to wait over an hour for the subs! Ridiculously long wait and the lady who took my order seemed really annoyed with me.

What this helpful soul doesn't understand is, this child really wants to play Fortnite.

This choosing beggar of a mom didn't know what sort of PC to get her son, so she asked a computer expert for help. After giving her some pretty good advice and a list of parts, she responded with this: Choosing Beggar: That's great! Let me know when you can order them. Computer expert: Pardon? You'd have to order them or find them in store. Choosing Beggar: What? I asked for help getting my son a computer. Computer expert: Did you think I was going to pay for it? I'm sort of lost. Computer expert: That's what it means by help, no? If you're not going to help, get lost. You've already wasted my time. Computer expert: you're out of your gourd thinking a stranger would give you an $800 dollar computer for free. Choosing Beggar: Wow, the nerve. Choosing Beggar: Thanks for getting my son's hopes up, he really wanted a computer. Choosing Beggar: Asshole.

Five dollars MINIMUM.

Here's the story from Reddit about this image: "Two years ago I saw that guy with the gas can begging for money. Tried to give him four dollars, but he said he doesn’t take anything less than five. After that I saw him there everyday for months. Turns out he’s a fraud with a new Jeep and a nice house. Been following him with this sign since."

They can't even have a granola bar or anything?

There are four bullet points here, but if you take out any one of them, the job makes sense. Strike "must be willing to do job for free," and suddenly it becomes a lucrative gig for a professional photographer. Take out "must have eight years experience," and it's a foot-in-the-door opportunity for a young kid (still exploitative, but at least it makes sense). Cut "must be at the wedding all the time" and the photographer can roll in and out as they feel. And without "bring your own food and drinks" they could at least gorge themselves on chicken breasts and cake. But all of them together? It feels like one of those "you have to bring a fox, a hen, and a watermelon across the river and only two items fit in the boat"-sort of puzzles. How could you possibly make it work?

What else are teens doing? Rollin' doobies?

This choosing beggar went to Reddit to ask why they couldn't have teenagers do work without being paid. They wrote: What the f*ck else are they going to do during the summer months? Me hiring them for free (and maybe receiving a stipend from the government for doing so), means that I am keeping teens off the street. Keeps the crime rate down and prevents drug addiction in the future. F*ck this sh*t. These kids are also getting EXPERIENCE. I am f*cking educating them out of MY POCKET. And here's the kicker... Yes, I was fined today for not paying my staff a wage, and I am f*cking pissed.

Or, you could just pay with money?

Never put a Macbook on CraigsList — it's chum for choosing beggars. Here's one text conversation: Seller: The price is firm $1200. I paid $2800 for it originally so you're still getting a really good deal. Choosing Beggar: I was thinking 800, and I can also give you some jewelry I make in exchange. Seller: I'm gonna have to pass, thanks. Choosing Beggar: You don't realize how difficult it is to be a single mother around Christmas. My kids have been begging for this all year, and now I have to tell them that you let them down. Does it feel good knowing you ruined two kids' Christmases? Seller: I know it's a crazy concept, but I don't give a sh*t about your kids' Christmas.blanket

Oh WHY will no one answer me?

After already rudely demanding a text reply at 5:04 in the morning, this choosing beggar had this conversation with the seller of a KitchenAid mixer. Choosing Beggar: I expect if you want to sell something you should be available for potential customers 24/7. Then, a half-hour later: Choosing Beggar: Why aren't you answering again?! You should be ashamed of yourself, leaving people hanging. Seller: Oh my GOD! I was getting ready for work, what the hell is wrong with you? I already told you I'm waiting to hear back from someone, and to be frank, even if they pass, I'm not selling to you. Stop messaging me. Choosing Beggar: How dare you! Andrew promised me the mixer. My daughter is expecting a cake tomorrow! Seller: Who the f*ck is Andrew!! Choosing Beggar: Mind your tongue, young lady. Andrew, your brother? I work with him. Seller: I don't have a brother named Andrew! The choosing beggar would of course ask how cold the seller's heart is because she won't give her the mixer for 100 dollars less, and that all she can do is tell everyone that Andrew's sister is a bitch who doesn't want her kids to have cake. Since Andrew doesn't seem to exist, I think the seller can live with that.

Also we will not be eating together.

Since no one's selling anything on Tinder, you wouldn't think it'd be a place to run into a choosing beggar. And yet... Choosing Beggar: I am hungry for Korean BBQ. Choosing Beggar: Would you like to take me out to eat now? Guy: Lol I just ate with my friends but I'm down to grab a drink or something. Choosing Beggar: I want Korean BBQ. Choosing Beggar: If not no meet up. Guy: Does this strategy actually work?

Remember, countries are just a large collection of people.

Are our people starving? Yes. Is it our fault? Of course. Will we take your help? Depends — how many tons are you offering? Also, are you delivering? Also I'm a single parent.

Who knows, maybe he just likes making payments?

Everyone haggles for better prices on cars, so choosing beggars have to really push the limits to appear insane when they're trying to buy a used truck. And that's just what this guy did when he responded to an ad for a used truck... Choosing Beggar: Are you firm on the price? I can offer 1800. Seller: 1800? Are you serious? Choosing Beggar: Yes, that is a generous offer. You said the lock on the sleeper shell is broken. With that in mind I want to offer less. Seller: The list price was 3800 though. The truck's value is for 5000 so it is already severely discounted. I can't take less than 3800. Choosing Beggar: Come on please? You truck isn't worth that much. Choosing Beggar: I can do 1950,, that's all the money I have. Choosing Beggar: Please I really need a truck. Choosing Beggar: Your truck isn't worth 3800! Choosing Beggar: I can do 1950, it's for my son. Choosing Beggar: He needs a truck for college. Seller: Look I can't go below asking. I am selling the truck for what I owe on it so that's the lowest I can sell it for. Choosing Beggar: Well just give the bank the 1800 and you can keep making payments on it. Seller: Just so it's clear. You want me to give the bank 1800, give you the truck, and keep making payments on a truck that I no longer have? Choosing Beggar: Yes Plz Choosing Beggar: Can you? I think it's safe to say that no, he cannot.

All kids out of the pool!

When you're an entitled, toxic narcissist, anything you see is automatically yours. Really, this is the fault of the neighbors who have a pool — they should've built it inside if they didn't want their deranged neighbors to use it as their own.

You still got that Fortnite? (See, that's funny because Fortnite is free.)

God bless these folks. "Hey, I've been stealing from you for a year and a half, do you think you can be a pal and help me continue stealing from you?"

Just hand it over!

This Redditor put up an ad to sell his Playstation 4, and he heard from the canonical choosing beggar: Choosing Beggar: Hi, I heard you were looking to sell your PS4. Is that right? Seller: That is correct. It's a PS4 slim with controllers for $220. Seller: Oh and I'll also throw in Uncharted 4 for you, how does that sound? Choosing Beggar: Why are you selling it? Seller: I recently bought a PS4 Pro, so this one is no longer in need. But as I said, it's still in good condition. Choosing Beggar: Why don't you just give it to me for free if you don't need it anymore lol Choosing Beggar: And as a bonus you can keep the game, I don't really play that sh*t. Seller: I think I'll pass on that offer. Choosing Beggar: Don't be a f*cking wimp dude. You just said you don't f*cking need it. Choosing Beggar: It's actually an early Christmas present for my son. He's been begging me for a PS4 for a whole year now. Seller: Wow, I'm moved. Such an incredible display of fatherhood. I wish I was as luck as your son :) Seller: Send me your name and address, I'll send it over asap ;) Choosing Beggar: For real? Thanks man. He'll be so happy. Seller: Nah, I don't give a sh*t about your son. Choosing Beggar: F*ck you man.

I need a ride and also, here are my conditions.

When a choosing beggar posted this to Facebook, she got this reply: Driver: I go up that way every morning and could leave early and drop you off. Choosing Beggar: Are you the one on the left or the right in your pic? Driver: The left, why? Choosing Beggar: I will pass.

Love 2 have rules dictated 2 me.

With a bachelorette party coming up, one friend of the bride made a big stink about not being invited. When she was, out of pity, she sent this stunning email to the rest of the bridal shower. Hi all, I'm really excited for our upcoming trip to Vegas. I think it'll be such a good time and we'll all finally get to bond. I know Vegas is known as "sin city," but despite this, I still have to uphold the moral code our Father inscribed in my heart. Due to this, I have some ground rules that I'd like everyone to follow. She went on to list all the churches they could attend and the drugs they could not do — which everyone knows makes for the best and most funnest kind of bachelorette party!

Is this a sting?

This Redditor is a boilermaker who received a text asking if he could do some welding for free. When the boilermaker asked if he had materials, this conversation ensued: Choosing Beggar: Why do I need to supply materials? Boilermaker: So I can do your job? Choosing Beggar: Well I don't want to buy metal. Boilermaker: Well I can't help you, sorry. Choosing Beggar: Can't you just take it from your work? You probably got heaps. Boilermaker: No, I don't want to steal from my work. Choosing Beggar: Okay then f*ck you you gronk, you're probably sh*t anyway.

Like a hip-hop-kind of ill? Like she's illin'?

A quilter received an Instagram message looking for a blanket to be made on commission, and when they responded with the cost, the messenger revealed themselves to be a choosing beggar: Quilter: I can make the blanket for $400. I require 50 percent up front and the other 50 percent upon completion. Choosing Beggar: ... Are you for real?? That's an insane amount of money for a f*cking blanket. I can literally go to Walmart and get a blanket for $15. Quilter: Then go to Walmart and get a blanket. Choosing Beggar: I can't believe you think $400 is a fair price. I need this blanket made. It's for my girlfriend. She's super ill and I want her to have something nice. Quilter: That's unfortunate but it's still going to cost you $400. The choosing beggar proceeded to threaten to report the quilter and ruin their business, and when they said that blanket-making is only a side gig, the choosing beggar said they should make it for them for free. Honestly, these people.

Else, he is gonna cry.

A swimming teacher kindly offers free swim lessons to kids, and one day they got a text from, who else, a single mother: Choosing Beggar: You are the lady who teaches swimming right? Can you teach my son also? I can't pay. I am single mom. Choosing Beggar: Hello? Choosing Beggar: Please reply. Choosing Beggar: ?? Swimming teacher: Hey, Yes, they are free. I am in office. I won't be able to respond right away. Choosing Beggar: Wow. That's rude. Choosing Beggar: I want to know what time today I should bring my son to the pool. Swimming teacher: I am sorry but today I already informed everyone that I wanted to swim alone today. I will message you the next time I am teaching. Choosing Beggar: That's not fair. I already told him that he can go swimming today. Give me one good reason to tell him. Else, he is gonna cry.

Hopefully they're looking for tutoring in Economics.

When a freelance tutor got a text from a girl looking for help along with her friend, she was given a price quote for two people. Little did they realize their dad, a choosing beggar, would intervene. Choosing Beggar: Hi, this is Emily's dad, she contacted you about tutoring. Would you be able to do both girls for $35? They're both in high school and can't pay that much each.... Regards, Jon Tutor: Hi Jon, my normal tutoring rate is $35 per hour per person. I told Emily I'd tutor them both for $25 each. Choosing Beggar: Please Emily is struggling with English and needs your help ... she is only in high school and can't afford that much.. Regards. Tutor: Yes and I'm a university student and have to pay for my own expenses. Sorry, but I have already offered to lower my rate. Choosing Beggar: She needs a tutor... she will fail because of you. Choosing Beggar: Dumb bitch.