Hi, hello there. Please, have a seat.
I'm guessing you clicked on the headline for one of two reasons. Either you loathe baby showers just as much as I do and you're looking for validation for your unpopular opinion, or you are deeply offended that anyone could possibly hate a party that celebrates the Miracle of Life™ and you just had to read this article before commenting on it to say what a horrible person I am. Regardless of what brought you here, welcome.
I'm actually pretty sure that over the course of the next few minutes, I'll convince you that baby showers are, in fact, the worst. I know, I know. You might think that's absolutely bonkers and also super mean. I hear you.
Just... hang with me for a sec, OK?
Before I get started sharing how awful baby showers are, I want to set a few things straight.
First of all, I think babies are great.
via: ShutterstockThey're adorable! Their clothes are cute! They smell good (when they have a fresh diaper)!
They do cute stuff like this!Anyone who tries to tell you that a baby cuddling a puppy isn't adorable is either a very broken individual, or a liar.
Just look at this adorable hiccup!Say it with me: Awwwww! So yeah. I think babies are great. I love snuggling them and watching them learn and grow.
But I hate baby showers.And I do mean hate. Now. I also recognize that baby showers serve a very useful purpose. I think the idea of a group of people coming together to support new parents is honestly one of the loveliest things our society does. I am all for the sense of community that springs up when someone announces they are bringing a baby into the world. But showers? No, thank you.
Let's start with the fact that all of them seem to have a "theme" these days.
I assume this baby is named Chase.
And then there's the food.
There are also sometimes foods that are, uh, really weirdly sexual in nature.
Like, we all know how babies are made.
Some cakes get a little more graphic than others.
You might think this is cute.
And if eating an ultrasound picture doesn't strike you as weird...
Maybe you've seen this at a baby shower:
If it is cute, it gets significantly less cute as the ice cube melts:
In fact, the end result is actually pretty darn disturbing.
Here's another bizarre thing that happens at showers:
But the worst part is the games.
Don't worry; you can also use the diapers for diaper pong.
I have been to a few baby showers where the "game" is to not cross your legs.Because, apparently, being uncomfortable with the floating ice cube babies, sperm cakes, and poop games just isn't enough. You may as well add physical discomfort to the list.
Almost every shower I've been to has had the "don't say the word 'baby'" game.
As soon as I see this game is being played, this is me:I just say "baby" to get it out of the way. 'Cause guess what? I'm there to celebrate a baby. I'm gonna say baby. And I don't care if I don't get to bring home a candle or lotion set you got on sale from Bath and Body Works.
This is a new one: