What's the worst thing you've ever done at work? Come in late? Stolen coffee pods for your own home use? Accidentally posted a Sex and the City GIF in a company-wide Slack room having a serious conversation? (Definitely not me.)

Well, these people have done much, much worse things. And unlike a completely innocent but embarrassing Sex and the City mix-up, most of them were on purpose.

This person was keeping the building very safe.

Well, at least from intruders on rollerskates. NotSpicyEnough wrote:
There was this one time when I was doing late night guard duty and couldn't be bothered walking so I patrolled the area while moving around in a swivel chair. Fell down a flight of stairs.

This guy managed to write an entire book.

Poster Rosco7 wrote:
Not something I did, but at my last job a guy wrote an entire novel at work over the course of about a year. He found a publisher and sold it (also during office hours). I don't believe it sold very well, however. It was sort of an open secret; everyone knew what he was doing except the people who would have cared.
Hey, at least he was doing something productive.

This person added a little something extra to a client's garden.

Professional landscaper onefortysevenone wrote:
Dug a hole in a clients garden and took a shit in it and then buried it because I was too lazy to walk up to the house and ask them to use the toilet. I'm a landscape gardener, I'm not sure if shitting in clients gardens is the norm? It would be different if I was there to paint the kitchen or something.
Um, no. Pretty sure that is not the norm.

Why are people so into using the bathroom in weird places at work?! Why??

via: Getty Images

Another rogue potty-user, BoriousGlastard, wrote:
Pissed into a bin in the corridor late one night I have no idea why. Just a random "fuck the system" urge after a long and tiresome week.

Sorry for ruining summer camp for you, but...

According to WantonMischief:
Worked at a summer camp. Sex. Everywhere. The infirmary? Check! The barn? Check! The lake? Check! The woods? Check! Golf cart? Check! The scenic overlook? Check check check!

Whoops.

This person didn't exactly mean to do anything wrong, but will probably never live this down. He wrote:
I smashed my elbow on a corner of the board table and let out an almighty 'motherfucker' in front of the CEO, the board and a few shareholders.

Revenge can be complicated...and gross.

Poster seasond admitted:
A coworker crop dusted my "office", so I walked into his and tried to fart on him, but I shit myself. I then cut the soiled part out of my underwear and flushed it down the toilet.

If you've ever wondered why you can't find an employee to help you in a store, have you considered they might be off somewhere shooting crossbows?

Well, they might be. As WillReddit4Food writes:
I use to work at a sports store and on a really slow day we received a new supply of crossbows. These crossbows were so awesome that I just had to shoot it, so I run to my manager who I was really close to and I say, "Do you wanna shoot at shit with these crossbows?! Before you say no, just think about how awesome it'll be!" His response was "Fuck yeah I wanna shoot shit with the crossbows!" So we grabbed a bunch of broken or flawed items we couldn't sell any more and just shot at them for the rest of our shift. One of the best days at work ever.

This one is pretty funny, actually.

via: Getty Images

All those times you had to get out of the pool as a kid because of thunder may have been a lie. According to Tondor:
I worked at a pool, and anytime it got hazy, or looked like it was going to rain, we would have someone go out and bang on the dumpster because it sounded like thunder. Hello, break-time.

Be careful when you choose a stock photo.

According to tupungato:
I'm a travel stock photographer. I have quite a nice street photo of a European city. There is a dude walking with two girls obviously scratching his balls. I sell the image anyway. Not sure if one can call it "unprofessional", but I felt a little bad.

As a general rule, it's better not to mime sex acts at work.

But amish_guy probably knows this by now after this happened:
I was drinking at a firm sponsored happy hour with my co-workers. Things are going great; beer is flowing, the wings are great, and people are laughing. Somehow the discussion turns to sexual slang and I stupidly blurt out, "dirty Sanchez!" It would have been just fine until one of my female managers tasked what it was. So I berated her for not knowing and then described it in great detail...with finger movements. It's been ten years and I still get called out on it.

Who say pickles don't use cellphones?

A former giant pickle wrote:
I used to wear a costume and shake a sign outside to advertise for a Halloween store. It isn't as humiliating as you'd think (most people ignore you) but it's painfully boring. My favorite costume was a giant pickle one because I could hide my head and one arm inside while shaking the sign with the other and browse reddit or watch entire movies. I'm so glad Halloween season is over.

When you want a day off work, why not just create a horrifying family emergency for your boss?

via: Getty Images

User the_drew wrote:
An old boss was being a dick. I called his wife at home and told her he'd had a heart attack and been rushed to hospital. I then got a mate to call my boss's line and say he was a paramedic and his wife had been taken to hospital with a suspected heart attack. They both met up with each other at the ER and I got I took the rest of the day off.

There are just...so many questions about this.

This person writes:
Worked at Domino's as a driver when I was in college. When we were slow we were required to go in the back of the shop to fold boxes. I started a tradition of doing this naked. Co-workers were shocked at first to see a naked guy folding boxes but it caught on.

This is why you can never find a cart at Target.

User Th3Joez writes:
When I worked at Target as a cart attendant, I would sleep in my car until they called me in the walkie talkie. If they asked where I was at, I'd say I was collecting carts. I would also go next door to circuit city and play on the guitar hero demo for hours, had the top 5 high scores. Good times. Oh i also actually went to apply to another job during my shift once, IKEA was across the street so I thought I'd give it a try.

Is this really his fault, though?

It's not like TheRedEminence wanted to do it:
Working in a ticket sales booth at Six Flags. They left me there for eight hours despite my having to pee for the last five of them. Finally, I peed in the vacuum tube which takes the money to the counting room. At the end of the day people were wondering about the tiny droplets on all the canisters.

This is a very adorable mistake.

Is it possible to be in love with someone you've never met? Pg21_SubsecD_Pgrph12 did this:
While working at a national accounting firm of 2,000+ employees, I e-mailed a picture of a kitten to the CEO, every Partner/head honcho I knew, and my co-workers late at night. Alcohol was involved. No one ever reprimanded me. I left the firm (for other reasons), but from what I hear people still talk about it.

Um, this is definitely not work-appropriate behavior.

Ever feel like you can't find what you need in the grocery store? Well, this employee isn't going to be very helpful. me_is_me wrote:
I went to work in a grocery store while tripping. "Where do I find the bread crumbs?" "Follow me lets explore."

Th coat check may not be as safe as you think.

Who knows what adventures your coat will go on without you. hnxt writes:
Got absolutely shitfaced on a very, very slow shift in the coat check one night. Five hours and a bottle of whisky into my shift I decided it was time to go home, grabbed the coat of a customer, put it on and fucking walked home where I passed out for a solid 10 hours. I woke up to 20something missed calls and to several, gradually becoming more hateful, text from my boss. The Jacket contained car-keys, ID, money, cellphone.. everything. It was pure, dumb luck that the guy was living close by and had flatmates to let him in and didn't have to work the next day.

What don't don't know can't hurt you...probably?

This one is very gross. Kingcoosh wrote:
Watched a guy at work accidentally throw away a steak previous guests had eaten. A few minutes go by... He then realized that he needed to box that steak. As it sat on top of the trash he picked it up, and put it in the to-go box. Rapidly ran out of the back and delivered the half-eaten, garbage-covered steak to the guest.
No.

Why do so many of these have to do with pooping?!?

via: Getty Images

People need to start pooping at home only. grimrox writes:
Working on a building site during the initial strip out phase I needed to use the toilet. Went for a crap, hit the flush and returned to the site office only to hear yelling from downstairs. The plumber we'd contracted was standing in a puddle holding the soil pipe he was disconnecting and had poop on him and the floor. No one had thought to put up a sign not to use the mains toilets. So basically, crapped on the plumber at work.

What every new mom needs: the fear that her baby is the spawn of Satan.

This person writes:
In 2004, I worked at a Blockbuster for the summer. I was working late one Friday night and the rush had essentially died down. A woman in her late 20s entered the store; she was at least eight months pregnant. She approached me, wondering if I could suggest a horror movie to her, as she was "in the mood to be scared." Rosemary's Baby. God forgive me, I successfully recommended and rented Rosemary's Baby to a pregnant woman.

Apparently the customer is not always right.

via: Getty Images

According to leliik:
In summers during college I worked at a lawn & garden store. There was one customer who came in every week and would spend hundreds - if not thousands - on plants, pond products, garden ornaments, etc. That was great for business, but she was also incredibly mean. She had this idea that she was better than any other customer and should be waited on hand and foot. She'd also berate employees for the smallest things... not loading topsoil in her car fast enough, checking out other people (who had been in line first) before her, etc. So when she came in to buy grass seed for the giant lawn in front of her impeccably landscaped house, I switched the labels when she wasn't looking and sold her hay seed instead of grass seed. The next spring she had a hay field for a yard.
But maybe she sold that hay for a profit, so it may not have been all bad.

This is actually pretty clever.

Somatosensory writes:
Not me but a guy I used to work with used to come to the shop in the morning, get the work truck, go home and park it in his garage and chill all day. He would come back at the end of the day like nothing. Got away with it for almost a year.

They got a to-go cup! That's bold.

cyncantspell admitted to being pretty bad at their job:
I went to a bar during my lunch hour and got pretty drunk, bringing a daiquiri back with me in a to go cup. (Yay Louisiana and your lax drinking laws!) Got even drunker at work, though somehow no one noticed (I'm not a loud drunk) and fell asleep for an hour at my desk and woke up in time to get off work at 1am.