Proof That Florida Should Be Cut from the U.S. and Send out Into the Ocean

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Florida is a strange place. Home of alligators and old people, it is also like the party capital of the world with Miami. Donald Trump’s Mar-a-Lago is there. So is the opposite of that– Disney World. And you most likely know by now that the southern state is notorious for its absolutely crazy news headlines. I don’t know what it is about Florida, but there seems to be a higher concentration of totally unbelievable stories there than anywhere else.

Luckily, there is a Twitter account that shares all these stories with us. “Florida Man” has become a general term that indicates that things are about to get crazy. But I assure you, every Florida Man headline you are about to see is real and not just strings of words I concocted by throwing magnetic poetry at the fridge and seeing what stuck. I do not think you will want to take a trip to Florida anytime soon after seeing these headlines.

According to Tracy Jordan in 30 Rock:

And we can’t really argue with him there. I mean, it does protrude from the bottom of the country.

Crocodile Pit

Yeah, I mean, you don’t jump into a crocodile pit and not expect to get bitten. This pretty much sums up Florida completely.

Oh, well.

Spoiler alert: He couldn’t climb back out of the well. Hopefully, he won’t try this again.

Spaghetti sauce arson

There is so much going on in this headline and I don’t have time to cover all of it. I  want to know how they thought they would burn a house down with spaghetti sauce.

Naked man

I am surprised that there aren’t more naked men being chased around parking lots in this list. It seems like a thing that would happen a lot in Florida.

Drake and Lil’ Wayne

To be fair, they are really hard to find unless you like, know them personally. I hope they helped him out.

The mayor

And this guy was allowed to continue to be mayor? What the heck is happening in Florida?

“Practicing karate”

I bet he got a lot of good practice in, though. Swans are vicious animals. To be clear, I am not advocating for animal cruelty. But swans suck.

“Cool”

This is an absolutely hilarious excuse. “Oh, I knew it was illegal. I just wanted to see what getting arrested looked like.”

The wind

Honestly, I believe her. Do you know how much cocaine is in Florida? And how windy it gets? You do the math.

No recollection

I don’t know how many drugs you have to be on to not remember terrorizing people in a store with a live alligator, but I know that it’s a lot.

Penis cloud

Of course, this cloud floated over Florida. Florida cannot get a break.

Bring-your-own-monkey

How many people in Florida have pet monkeys?! I cannot believe this was a thing at all.

Pants on fire

This is incredible. A metaphor come to life. I wonder if the lawyer was lying when his pants burst into flames.

Demands for eggs

This is a lot. I don’t want to live in Florida because even if you are normal, there’s a good chance your neighbor is not.

False teeth

— Florida Man (@_FloridaMan) 1538361708.0

This is amazing. That grandma deserves a medal. False teeth are terrifying and I would also be scared off by them.

Street pancakes

When I first saw the headline, I was like, “Why isn’t that allowed?” but then I saw the picture and realized he set up a whole table!

Trapped in arcade game

I didn’t realize this happened in real life! How does a kid that size get in a claw machine? How?!

Kurt Cobain

This is so perfect to me. That is a Kurt Cobain quote next to what is clearly a mural portrait of David Spade.

Drive-Thru Drug Window

I will say, this is sort of clever, but not clever enough to get past the cops. They tend to notice when drug deals are happening out in the open.

Scary Santa

If I was a kid and I was playing and this man came up to me and started explaining how babies were born, I would be traumatized for life in five different ways.

Lies

Why would you lie about this? Why would you claim a Hooters sign fell on your in the first place?

Test my meth

This is just sad. You have to be so far gone to call the police because you’re paranoid that your meth is bad.

Naked man #2

OK, this is all horrifying, but the worst part is that he went to a restaurant and ate noodles he brought from home. You’re in a restaurant, dude!

Cow cornered

Even the cows in Florida know how to detain a suspect! That should tell you something about this state.

Warm urine

Why! Was! This! A! Problem! You know what? I don’t want to know.

Crystal Metheny

“This isn’t real. It cannot be real. Oh wait, it’s Florida, so it’s definitely real.” -my thought process while looking at this photo

Not a tumor

Um, was this Florida man a doctor? If so, that’s a bad doctor. If not, what was he doing performing surgery?

Ruining childhoods

This is so mean! You can’t even take your kids to a nice Christmas festival in Florida without it being ruined.

Car thief

I guess he didn’t learn his lesson, huh? Share this with your favorite Floridian!