The White House Is Apparently Infested With ACTUAL Vermin

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In any horror movie, the first sign of a demonic possession is when the vermin start coming out the cracks. Random spiders run across the table, roaches pour out your burger –a rat gets into the canary cage and almost massacres poor Tweety.

When the toilets start making weird demonic noises and ants make themselves comfortable in the top drawer of your desk (just underneath your favorite copies of Breitbart and the Daily Stormer), oh, that’s the point you know you need to call an exorcist to clear out the entire goddamned cesspool.


After months and months of battling leaks, nuclear threats, and even stray dinosaurs, the poor beleaguered staffers now find themselves faced with an infestation of demonic proportions. And by demonic proportions, we mean actual vermin of the animal kind.

Many have claimed that the venerable address of 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue is a bastion – nay, a stronghold, a veritable fortress – of white supremacy, Nazi apologists and *gasp* Russian sympathizers.

Mike Flynn pled guilty to lying to the FBI – proof! Trump retweeted videos from an actual hate group and now the British people (our closest allies) are calling for their government to cancel his upcoming trip and ban him – proof! Trump is supporting Roy Moore – an actual pedophile – in his bid for the Senate – proof! Trump keeps attacking black people and women – proof!

The seat of American democracy has never, in its entire history, been as plagued with plutocrats, oligarchs, and nepotism as it has in this very hour. Ethical watchdogs have wept bitter liberal tears as the unqualified children of privilege have taken position in the highest offices, and plutocrats run amok in the cabinet.

And by vermin, we mean cockroaches – lots and lots of them. Also, mice, and spiders, and ants, cause they’re definitely there too.  

As it turns out, the White House has (several) infestation problems. There were at least four reports of cockroach infestations on the grounds and let’s not even talk about the Navy Mess Hall.

No, really. There are mice in the Navy Mess food service area. Freaking mice. But then again, at least they aren’t rats, so… silver lining?

And no, we’re not talking about the way she spins lies so complicated even a spider would lose track. No, it seems that Conway has actual bugs in her office, for which she has requested bug lights.

The creepy crawlers must be getting everywhere because the White House put out an extermination request. It seems all very The Exorcist up in the White House right now, and things seem very dire.

It is a very old building, after all. As former U.S. General Services Administration (GSA) Inspector General Brian Miller told NBC Washington. “They are old buildings. Any of us who have old houses know old houses need a lot of work.”