These Are the Absolute Worst Online Profiles of All Time | 22 Words

Online profiles can say a lot about a person. After all, that's what they exist to do! When you check out a profile, you're trying to get a basic impression of the person you chat with. So it's a good idea when crafting a profile to make that impression a positive one!

But not everybody gets that message. And some online profiles are truly cringe-worthy. You may think you've seen some obnoxious or useless profiles, but these fails will blow you away! If that sounds like fun, then keep scrolling. It's incredible how clueless (and entitled) people can be. Check out the absolute best of the worst online profiles in existence. To our chagrin (and amusement), people like this actually exist!

It's the...bare necessities?

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Huh. I didn't know you were supposed to come right out there with the affinity for crystal meth! It's a bold move, for sure.

Maybe don't insult the people you chat with.

“Sorry I don’t have time to talk since I'm on the grind trying to make it big, unlike you guys who keep on sleeping on me #underdog #110% #quitsleeping"

The heck? Why are you on social media then?

-Analheim_Dicks

"Buy me things, OR ELSE." How charming!

I once saw a profile that said all the countries this girl had visited. Denmark, Sweden, Australia, Cameroon, Thailand, Japan, and many more. Then it said her exes brought her to France and China, which she did not enjoy. She said if you wanted to date her you better bring her to nice places or else. -BrianChoi6969

It's pretty normal to post hobbies on your profile.

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But, I mean...this guy wants people to know that these are his main "hobbies"? That adds up to so many red flags in so few words.

This guy is pretty sure he's RIPPED.

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Please tell me that the winky face means he's in on the joke and knows that there are no abs to speak of.

You must be this tall to go on the date.

The profiles that say "you have to be this height, this weight, or make this income." -VonMeatstein

Some people apparently just want to be sent money.

Their PayPal, ApplePay, link to their Amazon wish list, and "lol its cause I'm a (star sign)" -Coop-is-Crowned

But then... why even go on Tinder?!

“Probably won’t swipe right on you." -thestorefront

Some people put too much emphasis on outward appearances.

Same with “No [insert visually identifiable group here]"

Like, the only purpose those comments serve is to insult people. And I guess throw out some red flags right away to turn off some of the people who would have matched with you otherwise.

-aPurpleLiger

It's the really deep questions that keep you up at night.

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I'd say the whole "swathed in a towel" thing doesn't show off the actual person enough, but...actually, I think the towel tells us everything we need to know.

Here's a fun little self-fulfilling prophecy.

I had an ex-friend put her FB IQ test results...I suggested that she take it down since her score was 87. -mizmaddy

Well, I guess someone's Spidey-senses are tingling.

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Really? A resemblance to Jerry Seinfeld is the first thing people notice? Not, maybe, a creepy Spiderman cosplayer holding a long-lensed digital camera for some reason?!

Uh, YIKES.

"I don’t speak broke. Sorry." -legit_henryt

Well, most people DON'T say that on a first date (or any date).

I asked her previously what she did for a living and she said she had a job influencing fashion on Instagram and she wanted me to follow her. Also found out she still lived at home with her parents. After that night I checked out her IG and she had less than 100 followers, but she drove a Lexus to our date with decals that would imply it belonged to a woman of her age if you know what I mean. I figured she was spending her folks' money after that; never did see her again. -Gigsmodo

Here's the "dealie":

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At the end of the day, aren't we all just wandering this crazy blue marble searching for the coolest cat of all to spend our lives with? Well, that's just speculation on my part.

Is this code for "don't bother me with your problems"?

"No drama!!!" usually means they are just full of it. -deedlesdoodles

In a healthy relationship, partners aren't afraid to open up to each other.

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And this is the most personal thing he's willing to share? Yeah, that's gonna be a hard pass from us (and hopefully most other people too).

There's no gender restriction for being a jerk.

This is true 100% of the time for all genders. -SouthernYankeeWitch

When a person wants you to do all the work.

Putting that they won’t message you first. Like are you too good to message someone first? Or “If you’re reading this, odds are I probably hate you." -walkingonameme7

Some people just couldn't believe that would be on a profile.

That can't be real -GabeNewellExperience It is. I see it all the time. I have a feeling it might be to give the person they actually decide to message an ego boost, but I don't know.  To me it just makes them look really unapproachable. -thisesmeaningless

...Good for you?

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You know, I think the OkCupid profile was actually looking for some personality details, but sure. Let's talk about this instead.

Another moneymaking scheme...

When their 'About Me' section is just their Venmo account. -The_Vampire_Barlow

But this is a hilarious response to the ol' Venmo "About Me."

Every time this happens I request $20 from them. Never gotten paid but it gives me a chuckle. -Jbreezy19

"Cat Stuff"?

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Oy, you might not want to broadcast that you've taken a serial killer test over your online dating profile. Just a tip.

Does this sound familiar?

"Boss Babe Entrepreneur Mommy #Younique PM for details *winky emoji lipstick emoji*" -lamiller0622

If not, here's a more...in-depth description.

Hey queens ??? did you know ?✏️ that you can make 5 BILLION DOLLARS ???? from HOME ? every MONTH ? by simply joining my team ??‍♀️??‍♂️?‍?‍?‍??‍?‍?‍? and selling this AMAZING ❤️????? product??????? All you have to do ?♥️? is ADD lots of people on facebook that you have ONE☝? or TWO✌?mutual friends with ?????or message people you haven’t talked to in AT LEAST five✋?years, saying ?" hey fatty!! You’re looking ugly as f**k since high school!! How you been girl?!???? Do you want to buy my wraps or my pills ?????? Message me for more info ????? gross b**ch!!! Xoxoxoxoxo"

I LOVEEE my (3) pink Mercedes and I took my FAMILY of 38 PEOPLE to CANCUN not once, not twice, but THIRTEEN TIMES this past week ALONE!!!!! I also literally cured myself of EIGHT different kinds of CANCER. THIS COULD BE YOU!!!!!! BUY A STARTER KIT AT NO COST TO YOU EXCEPT $500

-napkln

This guy just REALLY wants a dragon, okay?

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Or, wait, is he implying that he already has a dragon? Because, uh, somebody is gonna have some really disappointing news for him in the near future.

Just because you speak the language, doesn't mean you should brag about it.

"Fluent in sarcasm."

Just so cheesy and overused.

-HoneyMinx

Here's an interesting theory on the "sarcasm" thing.

Here's my pet theory about "fluent in sarcasm." People want to think of themselves as belonging to "team" something-or-other, some above-average quality.

Sarcasm almost never means "dry sense of humor" in this context. Rather, it's aspiring to some kind of worldly sophistication.

Being "fluent in sarcasm" means they're not a rube, not a fool, not a sucker. Sarcastic people are smarter than that, or so the underlying assumption goes.

-neutrinoprism

It's a claim without evidence.

So this why you get dating profiles that proclaim the writer is "fluent in sarcasm" with no actual sarcasm in evidence. Easier to say you're on "team sarcasm" than to actually be sarcastic about anything.

-neutrinoprism

Not the most believable brag...

"Always the smartest person in the room."

Then you're in some pretty dense rooms aren't you, you numpty.

-amildman

Also, isn't that just saying, "We've never met but I'm smarter than you, now please flirt with me?"

“If you think you’re the smartest person in the room, you are either mistaken, or you’re in the wrong room." -balddudesrock Only idiots say they're the smartest person in a room. Smart people get told it by the other occupants of the room. -Baron-of-bad-news

Check out this guy's tragic backstory.

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Why does it always seem to be the "personal" parts that these men are having trouble with?

Some people think popularity equals likeability.

The number of friends/followers they have on social media. -horatsu

And others try to make "unlikeable" a type.

"I probably don’t like you." -quadtesticlesyndrome This one makes me want to die every time I see it. You probably don’t like me? Wow, how quirky you are! I will never understand why people want to be viewed as an unapproachable and “perpetually irritated by the world and all people in it" kind of person. -blonderthanbefore

Get off my profile, Mom!!!

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Also, can we just talk about that 95% match rating they have? Because YIKES.

Oof, this is so much cringe.

When people say “Only God can judge me." Every time I see that line, I cringe because I know only foolishness will follow. -udub86

Well, at least she KNOWS she's difficult.

"Outspoken, opinionated and I make no apologies for it! Not for the faint of heart!"

Colleague's unemployed wife has this on her FB.

-GT3Touring

Then again, maybe some things should remain private.

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What's with that proud little smile? Congrats, you ate raw roadkill! Also, unrelated, are you a serial killer of some kind?

Don't try to be edgy.

'Studied at: School of Hard Knocks.'

Get over yourself, Dale. You grew up in a suburb

-TurdFerguson495

This guy wants you to look upon his chest and rejoice.

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But just in case you're not sure where to look, he's pointed it out for you. How nice. (See how I used that sarcasm without putting a disclaimer that it's my second language also?)

Some people have been places and they want you to KNOW IT.

I saw one where a guy, whose pictures were all "vacationy," just had "Been to more places and am more cultured than you." Unironically, as best as I could tell.  -lol_im_back3

This guy wants to you know that he is definitely positively 100% STRAIGHT.

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So for goodness' sake, boys and men, take a hint! He's not interested.

You know the type...

When I was online dating, I saw a lot of guys just list that they had a job and paid their own bills in their description. Sometimes with the line "I guess women don't want that any more..." added after it for a little salt. That was it. The fact that they were functional adults paying bills was their whole spiel. They weren't even working high paying jobs so it's not like they were trying to go after the gold digger market, nope they had a middle of the road entry level job and paid their bills, that is it. 50% chance there was a picture of them holding a fish. -AlarmingBird

SORRY, LADIES.

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Who doesn't wanna flirt with their neighborhood conspiracy theorist? With those criteria, I'm sure he got plenty of messages.

If you need to answer the question without being asked...

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You know, the best way to let people know you're not a molester probably isn't by calling attention to the possibility that you could be one.

Looks like we've got the king of humor over here.

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  1. That's not a private thing.
  2. Uh...I hate to break it to this guy, but unfunny objectification is not the way to a lady's heart.

And finally, this nightmare person:

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Um, hunted cats? Yeah, that's another glaring red flag if I've ever seen one. I don't doubt that "87% Enemy" rating.

There's this master-speller...

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...Who is totally not wearing a racist Halloween "costume" or anything.

"What are you doing with your life?" is such a loaded question.

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Well, it's not if you're this guy. You heard him, ladies, it's time to PREPARE FOR DEATH. Bet you've never done that on a first date!