I have some startling and disappointing news to share with you. Unfortunately, some people lie on the Internet.
I know. I was shocked when I found out, too. I don't think I'll ever truly understand the motivation behind spreading false stories online. In most cases, the only thing this deception earns others is a bunch of completely worthless Internet points from a bunch of strangers. I guess some people just want validation, even if it is from people they'll never meet in real life.
Plenty of people stretch the truth when it comes to social media posts. We all know by now that someone's Instagram feed isn't truly reflective of their everyday life, right? But that kind of truth-stretching is not what I'm talking about today. I'm talking about people who, for whatever reason, decide to share stories of themselves (or their kids) behaving remarkably. So remarkably, that you start to doubt the veracity of their stories. And then they inevitably take their story too far and you know it's totally false.
Here are some of the funniest Internet stories that DEFINITELY happened. *wink, wink.*
"You've raised him well."Anti-vaxxers are a special breed of Internet liars. Not only are their stories and other claims entirely false; they also actively endanger the lives of people around them!
"And that's it."
"Add another 0."
"I received an applause."
"All new music is dumb nowadays."
"The whole cruise ship clapped."
Who's gonna call them out on that?
via: RedditUnless this is someone who is literally only friends with people online, someone is going to notice they didn't move to Antarctica when they, you know, run into them not in Antarctica.
Clearly someone who's never broken their hand before.
via: RedditWhen you break your hand — or any bone, really — the pain is so overwhelming that you can't do much of anything, let alone comment on a YouTube video with a glib remark about how hard it is to type with your left hand.
Far from practical.
via: RedditThis poor attention-seeking would-be badass didn't realize that it would actually be a lot of work collecting that many email addresses. Plus, who's giving out their email address to the kids they're bullying? All bullies now that nothing good can come of that.
Ah yes, how innocent.
via: RedditAs we all know, grandparents miss the days when movies would say "previously on..." ever hour and then recap what they just watched. Also, can grandparents even stay up that long?
Oops, I'm accidentally a genius.
via: RedditSometimes, you just get so bored it's almost harder not to write one of the seminal texts of this or any age, you know?
He swears! It must be true!
via: RedditListen, I spend a lot of time at Starbucks, but I'm not so careless as to leave myself open to random Airdrop attacks. You gotta lock that phone up when you're sharing wifi, y'all!
Correlation does not equal correlation.
via: RedditOkay, of course this is a lie. But even if it wasn't? You can still luck into 350 dollars from taking a survey regardless of whether or not you liked the banana of luck post. (That said, I did google the banana of luck post and liked it just to be sure.)
I scream also.
via: RedditAs an overly anxious person, I consider myself a bit of an expert on terror. And I hate to tell you, but you don't scream because of a comic. You scream when Jason bursts through a window in a Friday the 13th movie.
Jumped the gun a bit.
via: RedditThis poor internet liar was a little early with the internet lie. Wait a year, and the envious likes would've come pouring in.
Every moment is a marketing opportunity.
via: RedditThis one bothers me the most. Not only is it a blatant marketing push for this lady's weird skinny coffee, but this is not how people talk! Every sentence we say that hasn't been meticulously planned out has at least an "um."
A lot had to come together for this all to happen.
via: RedditI suppose I do kind of believe that the same guy who would randomly tell his ex they've gained weight is the same kind of guy who would get banned from Target.
"Dude, nice" - Lady Cops
via: RedditListen, I've watched The Shield, and if there's one thing I know about cops, it's that they're pretty lax about protecting their own.
Fish generally prefer oatmeal raisin.
via: RedditThis poor guy's incredible talent for fiction is being wasted — simply wasted — lying on the internet. I mean, the fish spit on the villain! That's an early-2000s Disney CGI movie animal sidekick-level move.
Everybody act like they forgot about Dre.
via: RedditAnyone who's listened to rap, oh, I dunno,
I am aghast.
via: RedditThe idea of thinking you know more about a medical issue than someone who went to eight years of medical school is bananas. I went to art school and I still assume doctors know more about three-point perspective than I do.
Netflix talkin' a big game.
via: RedditI saw it, and it's not that scary. And after it was over, I got an email from Netflix that linked me to a livestream of everyone at Netflix HQ and they all clapped.
"My three-year-old is a geeeeenius."
via: RedditI wish parents would understand that it is okay for your child to be dumb, especially at three. At that age, they're not supposed to be waxing philosophical about the nature of mortality vis a vis humanity and ideology. They're supposed to be putting Tonka trucks in their nose and crying until they get chicken nuggets.
This literally happened?
via: RedditOne time, when I was in high school, someone went into a teacher's room after school and scribbled horrible words about her weight on all the desks. And she didn't quit. Imagine even being able to make it to your second semester as a teacher if you're so mentally weak you quit over camouflage pants jokes.
Get ready to have your mind blown.
via: RedditThey knew? The pilots, the stewards, the random guys traveling to Munich... they all knew?! Whew, after a revelation that big, I'm going to need to lie down. And thank god I have a flatbed to lie down on, otherwise I'd have to dip my nose at regular intervals.
He didn't want to play Zelda anyways.
via: RedditI'm only going to say this once: the Switch is better than the PS4 and this internet liar is a monster.
Now this is dumb.
via: RedditOf course, I don't mean it's dumb to forget to take your dog on a walk. I mean it's dumb to make up a lie about forgetting to take your dog on a walk. So technically, this guy is still kind of answering the question. It's a real "show don't tell"-sort of answer.
You want to get the combo meal? It comes with lies and a drink.
via: RedditFor this story to be true, McDonald's would have to be some sort of well-established and highly cultured culinary institution. In fact, it is the kind of place that slaps a rubber meat patty on a styrofoam bun and dumps it out the drive-thru window to whomever is standing there. They don't care how good your burger is. They just want to go home.
Now here's a real barn-burner.
via: RedditWhy do anti-vaxx people love multivitamins and hate vaccines? They don't understand either of them. I just feel like I need to hire whatever marketing agency is handling multivitamin's brand.
A hero walks amongst us.
via: RedditI like to think of myself as someone with a vivid imagination. But I cannot, no matter how hard I try, imagine myself caring even one little bit about straws at Disneyland.
A disappearing act!
via: RedditMost employers don't make their employees write down their addresses or anything. That's just not a very common practice. Although, if this story were true, it is funny to think that this guy threw his entire career away for 23,000 dollars. You can't live off that. The guy's gonna have to emerge sometime.
via: RedditThis mystery old man hated the idea of a girl putting in her headphones to listen to music. Old men hate music. Except hymns. Hymns melt their old men hearts (I guess?).
via: RedditThis is so convoluted! Everything has to go exactly this way for this kid to pull It 2 out of his bag and have it even make sense. It's a Rube Goldberg machine of a conversation.
Ahh, a real interaction that really happened.
via: RedditIf he already knew she was vegan because she's soo gorgeous, why did he ask if she wanted milk? Sometimes these internet liars don't think their internet lies all the way through.
How did they remember to write?
via: RedditThis would have been a funny, potentially feasible story if he'd gone "we became pen pals and then realized we lived super close together!" But you can see the poor guy trying to backpedal as he gets called out, and it just gets worse and worse. When he was typing those responses, this guy must've felt like I did while watching Uncut Gems.
Justice is served.
via: RedditDoesn't this cop have more important crimes to solve than arresting a lady because she uses an aphorism like "I'll kill you"? Also, I feel like it's probably a worse crime to deprive your child of food than to think murder is funny.