Eels. Why are they a thing? No one knows.
Like mosquitoes, they seem to exist solely to upset us all.
Especially this one.
If you’ve never seen the movie Anaconda…that’s good.
Even though you may never fully be able to appreciate the breadth of J.Lo’s career, you don’t have any extra images in your head to flesh out this one.
Seriously, give us a shark fin. We know sharks.
And we know how to fight them. Theoretically.
Which means sharks are at least driven by a logic we can all understand.
Who among us would not stop attacking someone who punched us right in the face?
And their faces are small…maybe even too small to punch.
So that option is completely out.
To eat you? Electrocute you? Cover you in goop? Steal your identity and rack up a bunch of credit card debt?
They’re here and they’re slithering. Slithering is never good. Nothing good happens at the end of a slither. Things only ever slither when they’re about to harm or trick you in some way.
A sea witch bent on manipulating you into giving you her voice in exchange for legs. If you already have legs, maybe she’ll give you, like, some wings or something.
Some people eat eels.
Maybe that helps them feel in charge when they see an eel out on the street.
If you look in his face, you can see he knows you’d eat him.
You see, this is how eels think. Trust us on this. We’ve looked at a lot of pictures of eels today. We get them now.
There is one good thing about eels…
Seriously, screw spiders.
Spiders are the worst.