Listen, you can read all the books you want as you prepare to begin your life with a newborn baby. You can prep and collect advice and buy all the latest baby devices. But no one knows what it is actually like to live with an infant better than parents of infants themselves. Luckily, many of them have Twitter, and they are not afraid to use it!
These parents are at their wits' end because having a newborn is no picnic (seriously, get all your picnicking in now because once you have a baby, you will not be able to go have a peaceful picnic in the park ever again). What better platform to air your grievances and get super real and honest about what it is like to have a newborn baby than Twitter? So get ready to cry and laugh and poop your pants (only if you are the baby of the family) when you read these tweets.
Parents these days have it tough.Having a small human being in your possession who cannot take care of themselves is quite a challenge. Let's see what these parents have to say about living with a newborn.
The word "newborn."
In some languages, the word "newborn" roughly translates to: tiny sleep succubus.— 👻Mommy Cusses🦇 (@👻Mommy Cusses🦇)1504725978.0
Desmond from LOST
Always wondered how Desmond from LOST slept in the Hatch when he had to hit the button every 108 minutes...have now… https://t.co/vYA8plrMlA— Joe Caporoso (@Joe Caporoso)1537469228.0
For those wondering what having a newborn baby is like, I just wrote "take a shower" on a list of things I'm hoping to accomplish today.— Stephanie McMaster (@Stephanie McMaster)1463332597.0
Every newborn baby should come with a one-year Costco membership— Robert Knop (@Robert Knop)1531356072.0
Googling Literally Everything: A New Mom's Story— Lori Fradkin (@Lori Fradkin)1449846301.0
"You got this?"
Nurse: *handing me a newborn* You got this? Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac 'n' cheese— 👻Mommy Cusses🦇 (@👻Mommy Cusses🦇)1493693710.0
Life with a newborn: 33% nursing someone who wants to burp 33% burping someone who wants to nurse 34% poop— Unfiltered Mama (@Unfiltered Mama)1522559874.0
Nothing better than spending an entire morning staring into my baby daughter's eyes, whispering, "I can't do this".— Ryan Reynolds (@Ryan Reynolds)1440599049.0
The Sistine Chapel
Some people have painted the Sistine Chapel. Others built pyramids. I once moved a baby from the car to a crib without the baby waking up.— The ParentNormal (@The ParentNormal)1430755925.0
Asked to switch seats on the plane because I was sitting next to a crying baby. Apparently, that's not allowed if the baby is yours.— Ilana Wiles (@Ilana Wiles)1392242853.0
No more screaming
According to his sleeping face, my three-week-old has finally stopped screaming. But I can still hear him. I feel like Clarice.— Dad and Buried (@Dad and Buried)1454380639.0
Is it me or does burping a baby feel like russian roulette with vomit?— HowToBeADad (@HowToBeADad)1391031840.0
Secret talentWhat a coincidence! That's my secret talent, too! Just kidding guys.
Parenting a newborn: 30% feeding 50% changing diapers 20% worrying 80% becoming so sleep deprived that you forget how to do basic math— Lurkin' Mom (@Lurkin' Mom)1435154630.0
The quickest way to find the weak spot of any baby-proofed room is to put a baby in it for 30 seconds.— mark (@mark)1460378631.0
It takes a village
People are like "it takes a village to raise a child" and I'm like "can u give me the address for that village?" cause I could use the help— Brandon (@Brandon)1504478257.0
Me: *gets baby down for a nap* Neighbor: *revving leaf blower* oh hell yeah, let's do this!— Lurkin' Mom (@Lurkin' Mom)1449696211.0
Lifestyle blogger: In preparation for my first born, today I'm sharing tips on how I plan to stay on top of all the… https://t.co/Mfd1o4WHIY— MyMomologue (@MyMomologue)1531774674.0
The baby lick
I accidentally dripped some mustard on my newborn daughter’s forehead and long story short a nurse just walked in and saw me lick the baby.— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn)1447177429.0
I hate when people ask if my newborn is a "good baby" and I have to tell them that he cries a lot and about how he keeps robbing banks— Ashes to ashes (an spooky female) ⚪️ (@Ashes to ashes (an spooky female) ⚪️)1494590541.0
Eye of the hurricane
Naptime is better described as the eye of the hurricane.— The ParentNormal (@The ParentNormal)1506460560.0
Nothing in my wedding vows prepared me for how much of our lives we would spend talking about the size and shape of our kids' poop.— Jennifer S. White (@Jennifer S. White)1483486417.0
Another surprise benefit of having a baby is using my new swaddling skills to roll a tight, tight burrito.— mark (@mark)1435154808.0
My 7-week-old was so excited about Father's Day that she couldn't stay asleep last night! She's been excited about Father's Day for 7 weeks.— La Guardia Cross (@La Guardia Cross)1497791425.0
If I could sum up breastfeeding a newborn in one tweet, I'd probably actually hold that thought, she's hungry again.— Lurkin' Mom (@Lurkin' Mom)1449939100.0
You can't really get mad at your newborn baby for screaming for an hour straight when he's basically just voicing your inner monologue.— Dad and Buried (@Dad and Buried)1453949109.0
You got $15 to build the perfect newborn: Sleeps through the night = $500 Doesn’t cry = $1000 Solid poops, no mess… https://t.co/Xicu4HfFJT— The Dad (@The Dad)1524844675.0
[wife breastfeeding newborn] Wife: they're not Me: u dont know, try Wife: fine [switches to other breast] but they're not different flavours— David Hughes (@David Hughes)1462871252.0
Definition of "baby"
science defines a baby as "a small smooth poopy man, no taller than a lamp"— Fred Delicious (@Fred Delicious)1350474072.0