Could this be your next dream home? If you’re the creepy clown man from all my nightmares, why yes, yes it could.
Hello, and welcome to your future dream home, an estate thirty miles outside Houston, Texas with all the fixings. It even comes with a gate for extra security.
What’s that you say? Who is that man by the gate, you ask? Oh, why that isn’t a man at all. That is a doll. Or, as I choose to think of him, a scarecrow. He keeps the birds away, and the mailman, and the paper boy, and everyone else who might visit. But he has a hat. Isn’t that fun? Now come inside…
The foyer is the most important part of a home. It’s the warm, open space that invites visitors to relax...
Now, the first thing you probably notice is the wicker basket at the bottom of the stairs for mail. How convenient, right?But make sure to also take in the beautiful portrait of a skull family that sits right above it, or the three different clown paintings that apparently need to exist.And, oh look, a little dog by the bench is welcoming you!
But at the top of the stairs you will notice another doll. Now, I realize this might seem creepy at first, but let’s take a closer look….
See? It’s not as bad as you thought, it’s even worse.What is the doll looking at, you’re probably wondering. Well, it unfortunately is not the other skull painting. It’s just gazing into the distance, waiting for you to come out of your bedroom at night for a drink of water.
Oh good, a Christmas room. Every house needs a Christmas room. What could possibly go wrong with this?
And no Christmas room is complete without a Christmas tree. No, not the giant palm tree that we normally associate with Christmas. The one that’s in front of the little mannequin girl you should never, ever look directly in the eyes.
But let’s check out the breakfast nook. Nothing creepy ever existed inside a breakfast nook.
See? This nook even has a butler to guard you from anything creepy or weird you might experience during breakfast.There’s even a tiny chef to prepare your meal, a small library, and an aquarium. All the things a breakfast nook needs.And look, below the table, that dog is back! Is he real? Who can say. Does it matter at this point?
But maybe you don’t need breakfast, maybe what you need is a good stiff drink.
At this delightful bar. With this delightful cowboy. Who is definitely not going to whisper anything to you. In the night. In your ear. This isn’t The Shining or anything. It’s far worse than that.But if you’re scared, just fix your eyes on the comforting painting of the silly, laughing clown below the arrow.
Maybe it’s time for a bathroom break?
Isn’t this nice? A friendly cloth bathroom maid. Remember, “Be Nice or Leave," which is doll code for “Don’t dry your hands on the cloth maid, or she’ll come for you at night."Let’s move on, quickly.
To the library, we’ll be safe in the library!
Nope.No.Whatever you do, don’t look at what’s outside the door.Keep moving…
Ah! The living room. A place that’s built for relaxation. Surely this will be fine.
Ok. The weirdest thing about this room should be that there’s a bear rug underneath the pool table with a hat on it. But at this point, I think we should run for our lives.Like, I don’t know what that kid is riding but it’s definitely not a bike.
Or maybe I just need to lie down? Let's check out the bedroom.
Whoa! Sorry! This room is apparently very taken.Wait, why are those smaller dolls in that cage by the window? What did they do!? Everything else in this room is... fine. Though choosing to mix two different patterns of quilt is a very bold choice.Now let's back out of here very slowly.
And just when I thought it couldn’t get any more upsetting, we walk into the most disturbing room of all.
This must be the torture chamber. It’s so much worse than I could have imagined. This is the room where they make you run on a treadmill in between running the dishwasher. The humanity.I’d call for help but that’s clearly a blackboard and not a telephone. Let’s flee.
At least the yard is relaxing.
Oh. Another doll. Of course another doll. But hey, this lawn looks nice, so at least this doll gets the mowing done. When he comes alive at night while no one is looking.Can I go home now?